YIPPEEKAYAY MURRAY WALKER!

SquareOne Opinion

by Dave Hynes

Oh dear! Bruce Willis has allegedly been chosen to play the Formula One legend Murray Walker in a biopic about Michael Schumacher. It seems bad casting decisions “Die Hard” (oh dear! ED) as perhaps the worst A list actor working in Hollywood today looks set to spoil an otherwise potentially decent flick.

Alright, he might be okay when he’s in a vest fighting German terrorists, and he was okay in Pulp Fiction - but when have you ever watched a film and said: “wow that Bruce Willis is a versatile thespian.” Yeah, about as versatile as Sylvester Stallone! Put him in a boxing ring or a jungle, fair enough. But ask him to portray a deeply rich and complex character which captivates the audience at every whim? I’m sorry I just don’t reckon this thing can work.

Let’s see which actor/film mismatches would work the best . . .

What about Joe Pesci in a biopic of Tony Blair? I think I’d like a Mafioso vendetta between him and Gordon Brown, played of course by Gerard Depardieu. “Who da f_k you lookin at Gordon, what you think I’m funny how, like I’m a clown, like I f_king amuse you you fat f_k, I’ll demote you to Home Secretary you f_k, you fat f_k”. Reckon there’s an Oscar there somewhere.

Talking of Oscars; okay Stephen Fry, in the role nature intended him to play, did Mr Wilde some justice. But better than Vinnie Jones or John Wayne could do? Think of how the razor sharp wit would sound with that cockney gloss or the Duke’s cowboy temperament. Oscar would look good in his spurs, hand on his gun holster, trademark limp “I can resist anything but temptation”.

Arnie doesn’t seem to do much nowadays, even as the Governator of a state the size of western Europe, he could do good service to a film about Alex Salmond, “Hasta la vista Labour”- he could bench press his way through the political bits.

Okay maybe they’d make terrible films but Hollywood can throw up its own nightmarish mismatches. There have been times where certain actors and actresses simply do a stinking job! You have to ask what’s going on behind-the-scenes when they do the casting? Anyone who’s ever watched Jon Voight’s performance in Anaconda will know exactly what I mean. He made Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube positively shine. Christ, he made the anaconda look competent!