DIDN’T SEE THIS ONE COMING

SquareOne News

by Chris Hammond

New consumer protection regulations look set to force a change in the way psychics and spiritualists conduct their business.

The British Government is seeking to bring the multi million pound fortune telling industry into line with other commercial enterprises by regulating its advertising practices and trading standards.

Under the proposed legislation it will be easier for members of the public to pursue legal action against mediums who are judged not to have delivered the service advertised.

In the previous twenty years there have been less than ten convictions for psychics practicing their trade fraudulently and dishonestly.

Last week SquareOne sent me to a well respected tarot reader for a little bit of fortune telling. Starting this coming Monday we’ll be running a regular ‘Fortune Feature’ detailing just how accurate or otherwise the predictions have been.

Excited? You would be if you were told to expect a job offer very soon . . . we’ll see.

EDINBURGH DEMONSTRATIONS

Pere Fornes

SquareOne News

Today Edinburgh saw over 1000 protesters participate in three separate demonstrations held across the city.

In the morning, about 50 people demonstrated against the Church of Scientology in Hunter Square. At the same time a pro-Beijing rally took place in which over 1,000 people demonstrated in favour of the Olympics and against the recent violence involving the Olympic torch.

But the most unusual demonstration took place in the afternoon. A rally in favour of US Presidential candidate Barack Obama was supposed to start outside the Scottish Parliament. However the number of people taking part was much lower than the organisers had expected, with around 40 turning up. A demonstrator said: “I don’t have anything personal against Hilary Clinton but Clinton means past and Obama means change.”

What was intended to be a rally ended up being a small demonstration outside the Scottish Parliament. Still Obama will receive a symbol of support from Scotland for his campaign. Kez Degeale, rally organizer, said: “We have a big banner which people are signing in support for Obama. We will send him the banner with all those signatures.”

TAXI FOR STUPID PLEASE

SquareOne News Feature

Dave Hynes

Following this week’s conclusion to the prolonged Diana inquest, the Royals really haven’t had much luck with drivers lately. One of them was so drunk he helped kill a Princess and the other, in astonishing sobriety, took one of Diana’s neices; Lady Kitty, on a wild goose chase across the country. Somehow in a feat even Travis Bickle could not have manufactured, a taxi driver from Northampton based Mayfair Cabs picked up the Earl of Spencer’s daughter from the prestigious Althorp Estate, with orders to take his esteemed passengers to Chelsea's Stamford Bridge football ground for the big match against Arsenal. Somehow, quite how no one knows but somehow, they embarked upon a 292-mile six-hour pilgrimage to the sleepy village of Stamford Bridge in York. Although the vehicle’s SatNav was used to find directions to Stamford Bridge, neither driver nor passengers noticed the mistake.

At SquareOne we pride ourselves on being a fair jury to the news we hear, so we have put all those involved on trial to find who is the most guilty.So where does the blame lie?

SquareOne Suspect Number One: Lady Kitty
Was Lady Kitty so immersed in texting that she failed to notice the Bradford Junction turn off on the M1? Did she not realise that Chelsea play in London being …..erm…. a London club? Does she even know where London is or what it might look like? Perhaps, say, not slap bang in the middle of the Yorkshire Dales; Eeh ba gum, that Chelsea, best team in Yorkshire I tell thee. To be frank I’d be surprised if any of the Earl’s daughters knew whether Chelsea was in London or even whether York was in Yorkshire, I’d be surprised if they even knew what a taxi was. Why is that black horse on wheels daddy? Another thing, given the SatNav’s complete domination over the common senses of its passengers, weren’t they lucky there was a Stamford Bridge in York? Would they have stopped had they passed north of the border if there was a Stamford Bridge in Scotland. "Aye ye need directions d’ye pal? Chelsea ya say? Ya ken John O Groats? Thone Chelsea boys hiv been beatin a'body in the Heilin League this year, that Didier Drogba’s hoorna gid".

SquareOne Suspect Number Two: The Driver
Considering the likely tip from such a long trip with such esteemed passengers, he’s (I’m presuming it’s a he but a female driver could explain a lot in this debacle) had something of a nightmare journey. Couple this with the lost petrol money, the compensation and the lost business of some rather rich clientele he’s about as likely to be used again as second hand toilet roll. What was he thinking? Did he go to school? What does he attribute as the major cause of the problem, his lack of geography, his lack of football knowledge, his complete trust in the SatNav or his GNVQ in David Beckham studies he just finished this year as a distance learning objective? Perhaps he is just an Arsenal fan who knows that Drogba has hit a fine run of form?

SquareOne Suspect Number Three: The SatNav
Was it human error or was there something sinister going on here? Did it ask the driver which Stamford Bridge he meant or did it presume even a numpty like him couldn’t screw this journey up? Maybe SatNav’s are gonna need extra gadgets to streamline operations; like passenger sensitivity cognition, "if you’ve got a Royal in the back make sure you stop and ask the next person where the hell you are" for example. At SquareOne we’ve been trying to conjure up ways to blame the SatNav but we’re clutching at very thin straws indeed, it was probably the only thing that came out of this with any dignity.


SquareOne Verdict

Innocent: We think the SatNav just about escapes indictment and that the Earl’s daughter could always get off on an insanity plea.

Guilty: The Driver, with a hefty fine, two years driving a Renault Reliant and put in charge of getting Prince Philip around Nairobi in a push chair.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE POND

Despite risking being thrown out of Leith for being a traitor, the man we call Dave (principally because that's his name), continues to drink in unfashionable pubs, so you don't have to. This week, a hidden gem bucks the trend.

by David Hynes

SquareOne Booze

My tour of Leith pubs continues with a dip in the Pond, and I have to say that I found myself submerged in quite an agreeable little boozer. Its splendid isolation at the end of Salamander Street seems to have protected the Pond from the tsunami of cack upstream on Leith walk.

The selection of beers is fairly outstanding considering where it is and what other pubs near it serve. The Pond truly has everything you could want; German, Czech, Chinese beers, the lot and all at good prices. I got a decent amount of change from a fiver for two Krusovice on tap.

Sometimes you have to regress to progress. Surprisingly it ain’t up Leith walk that you find a pearl in the ocean because all the clever little fishes are biting the bait down at the Pond. If your looking for a quality pub at the foot of the walk please don’t go to the actual pub Foot of the Walk, swim downstream and cast your attention to this little gem. The only problem is its isolation downstream from Leith Walk. Still geography isn’t everything and considering its surroundings it’s something of an Atlantis for Leith.

HOCKEY HUNGRY FOR SUCCESS

by Pere Fornes

SquareOne Sports

Scottish Hockey plans to make all senior players full-time by 2011, SquareOne News can reveal.

It is a key point of Scottish Hockey’s corporate strategy in a long term plan between 2008 and 2014, which also includes raising coaching standards and a development programme for umpires. The main aim is to focus Scottish Hockey’s resources to build a team capable of winning a medal in the 2014 Commonwealth Games.

Callum McLeod, Scottish Hockey’s Performance Manager, said: “The world’s best countries, such as Germany, have full time players so our aim is to be at their level of performance.”

If the strategy is successful, Scotland would have full-time hockey players three years before the Glasgow Commonwealth Games and one year before the London 2012 Olympics. In the Olympics, however, Scottish players will play in the Great Britain team and Scottish Hockey is working to ensure that there is integration with Great Britain Olympic programming.

The down side of the London Olympics is the reduction of lottery funding that sports will directly receive, funding that has already declined over the past years. McLeod added: “Now we receive less money from the government and we need more money to improve players' performance as well as to have better qualified coaches and umpires. What we are trying to do to achieve our goals is to get more sponsorship.”

If successful, the strategy could put Scottish hockey at the same level as other leading countries, therefore boosting participation and interest.

Find out more about scottish hockey at www.scottish-hockey.org.uk

CANNONBALL FUN

The Breeders, Glasgow ABC 8/4/08

by Kate Smail

SquareOne Entertainment

Girls with guitars get a bad press. Unfairly shunned by men who think they don't rock hard enough, and often side-lined by women who prefer a lead singer worth throwing their underwear at.

However, judging by the packed audience at the ABC in Glasgow last night, The Breeders are band that transcend stereotypes. Men and women in equal numbers crowded in to see the legendary rock outfit fronted by the inimitable Kim Deal, of Pixies fame, and her merry cast of oddballs.

Deal took to the stage wearing a man's jumper and no make-up, looking a lot like a wholesome mother earth type. That is, until she opened her mouth and a gravelly stream of expletives rolled out followed by a raucous, infectious laugh.

The set consisted mainly of tracks from their first new album in six years, Mountain Battles and keen not to disappoint, a few tracks from their most famous offering, Last Splash, were thrown in for good measure.

The crowd were a little restrained for the first few songs, especially by Glasgow standards, until the first few chords of No Aloha rang out. The mood changed, and a healthy exchange of banter between Deal and the audience ensued. It's not easy to win over a Glasgow crowd with wit, but Kim and her sister Kelly had the audience lapping it up with their dry humour and sharp one liners.

By the time Cannonball arrived their work was done. The venue was rocking, despite the fact that it was full of professionals in their thirties and forties, clearly reliving their misspent youth.

My only bugbear with an otherwise flawless set? Their new material is so much softer than The Breeders of yesteryear. Why is it as bands age that they feel the need to experiment with folk and country influences? Some of us still want to rock out. Even if we are old enough to know better.

THEATRE REVIEW: VANITY FAIR

By Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment


Every day the news seems to herald one financial catastrophe after another. It has become ever more difficult to flick through the channels without hearing the FTSE closed today down by however many points, something or other was hedged while the Bank of England plans to free up however much liquidity to aid such and such. For those of us not well versed in the jargon of finance the overall effect is too often one of frustration, confusion or, worst of all, apathy. To stave off business information saturation some may run for the theatre, where for two hours at least we can surely forget the impending doom, no? Not according to Steve McNicoll, currently starring on stage at Edinburgh’s Lyceum. To him the present credit crunch has reached its theatrical incarnation in Vanity Fair. Here McNicoll and his co-star Sophia Linden tell SquareOne why they believe this nineteenth century masterpiece is enjoying continued social relevance.

To many people the works of William Makepeace Thackeray are entities firmly rooted in the past and as such any dramatic adaptation can be blithely consigned to the wasteland of the Sunday night period drama slot. Something to curl up in front of for two hours as corsets, breaches and starched petticoats wash over us in a haze of taffeta and lace. Such is the common misconception of those entering the Lyceum’s auditorium according to Sophia Linden, the 24 year old actress presently bewitching all in the central role of Becky Sharp. She explains this adaptation presents Thackeray’s sprawling novel in a much more stylised form.

For those unfamiliar, Vanity Fair examines the petty intrigues of “Society” against the backdrop of Waterloo. The action follows the lives of Amelia Sedley and Becky Sharp. While Amelia commits herself to a life of misery marrying the worthless cad George Osborne, the penniless Becky sets out using her feminine charms to entrap Captain Crawley and together the pair carve out a place in society, living on “nothing a year.”

Edinburgh seems to have caught the Vanity Fair bug so what accounts for the apparent continued cultural relevance of such an historical play? While McNicoll and Linden both heartily laud its success they experience an artistic clash of opinion in explaining it. For him Vanity Fair works so well in today’s society because it addresses the issues of financial strife. For her it’s all about the cult of celebrity.

The practice of living on borrowed money is nothing new, a fact Thackeray knew only too well. The author writes with full authority on the plights of his characters, warning the reader that to emulate the man who lives on nothing a year, “will cost you something considerable.”

The contemporanity of the various characters’ precarious financial positions is not lost on McNicoll. He claims, “Vanity Fair deals with issues that are still very much with us, especially the credit crunch.” The play took to the stage the same week as the Bear Stearns crisis and McNicoll draws comparisons between that situation and the one his character’s father, Old Mr Sedley, finds himself in. McNicoll claims that just like modern investors Sedley too has bought into an insecure market so that when the various battles of the Napoleonic Wars strike his capital is shaken and eventually collapses. McNicoll claims, “With people today living on borrowed money how could Vanity Fair fail to be of relevance?”

At this point however McNicoll and Linden cross swords. Playing one of literature’s most infamous anti-heroines it comes as no surprise that Linden accounts for Vanity Fair’s continued relevance in the universal appeal of Becky Sharp: “Young women love Becky. She represents characters we see in the media today. Look at Jordan, Chantelle etc. These are women who know where they want to go with no real talent or trade in mind.” For Linden then Vanity Fair holds a mirror up to modern day life where meek women such as Amelia flounder while the ballsy, coquettish Becky-types trade on their pretty faces and sex appeal to woo society. Just as Becky carves out her niche in the Mayfair set Victoria Beckham has grappled her way to Hollywood on a pout and a marketable husband.

Whatever the secret to the play’s continued charm and appeal there is no denying its ability to captivate. Playing to sell-out audiences every night it is the combination of calculating protagonist and contemporary relevance that makes it a hit. Just don’t go if you’re seeking solace from the Stock Exchange.

Vanity Fair is playing at the Lyceum, Edinburgh until 12th April

WOMBAT GETS NAUGHTY WITH DRONGO'S FRECKLE?!

Kate Smail

SquareOne News

Last week a New Zealand man was charged with wasting police time after he called emergency services, claiming he had been raped by a wombat. Not surprisingly, the operator was not convinced. Everyone knows you don't get wombats in New Zealand.

The man claimed he was unharmed after the incident, except for "now only being able to talk Australian." A deeply distressing affliction for any self-respecting Kiwi. He received 75 hours of community service after the defence lawyer explained that alcohol played a major part in the man's life.

This is not the first time animals have found themselves under the scrutiny of the courts; Square One brings you our favourite examples from the twisted world of animal justice.

In the United States last year, a convicted paedophile claimed his actions were the result of a deeply traumatic childhood experience, and was therefore not responsible for the crime committed. Gene Morrill told the court in Virgina that he was raped by Bigfoot as a teenager, and had suffered flashbacks ever since. The judge remained unconvinced and sentenced Morrill to twenty years.

A Florida man got more than he bargained for when he decided to shoot his unwanted puppies. Having shot and killed three of his four targets, Jerry Bradford picked up the remaining pup, which then jumped on the trigger, shooting Bradford in the wrist. Bradford survived and was promptly charged with animal cruelty. Puppy power indeed.

A woman sued her best friend after she slipped in his pet dog's urine in his kitchen and twisted her ankle. Her reasoning? If he was really her friend, he would have cleaned it up when he knew she was coming over. Unbelievably, the pair are no longer friends.

The parents of a man found naked and dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World, Orlando, have dropped a lawsuit alleging Sea World caused his death by portraying the dangerous orca as safe and cuddly. It transpired the man was under the influence of alcohol, had broken into Sea World at night, and voluntarily jumped into the tank to play with the whale.

Two animal handlers who say they were fired for refusing to expose their breasts to a 300-pound gorilla have settled their lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation charity. Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller claimed that Gorilla Foundation president Francine Patterson pressured them to indulge Koko the gorilla's 'nipple fetish,' as a way of bonding with the 33-year-old female. The charity denies the claims.

FILM OF THE WEEK: THERE WILL BE BLOOD

by Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment

Sensing I’m the only person left in the UK who had not until this week seen There Will Be Blood, I may be preaching to the converted but if, like me, you too have resisted this hyped-up gem of a film, go and see it while you still have a chance.

Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day Lewis) a self-professed, self-made oil man drags his son and heir HW around every craggy crack and pit in California on the look out for black gold, a quick buck and an unsuspecting community to rip off. An unscrupulous reptile, Plainview oozes charisma promising the God-fearing people of Little Boston corn, schooling and a new church, all the while planning on pumping their oil to the sea. However this time he may have met his match in the fanatical, sometimes possessed preacher Eli and a long lost brother keen to jump on the bandwagon.

Day Lewis captivates right from the start, sucking in viewers and villagers alike with his combination of fatherly tenderness, rhetoric and sheer gall. Unlike many other Academy Award darlings There Will Be Blood lives up to the hype. Brilliant.