FOOD FIT FOR A FELON

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Edinburgh Sheriff Court Rooftop Restaurant

Edinburgh Sheriff Court’s innards resemble a throw away polystyrene set from the original Star Wars films, whilst its loitering denizens wouldn’t look out of place as extras. Everywhere you glance, bug eyed belligerents, swarm in packs around their beastly brethren, how much fun George Lucas would have had casting them is anyone’s guess.

Court reporting is depressingly odious, sitting there constantly having to hear that the likes of Jimmy McBuckfast can’t come in because he’s taken some drugs or Kelly McTeenpregnancy has slept in must be soul destroying for the victims, and more importantly idle journalists. One case follows another and before you know it you have to exit, if only to be able to breathe the air of civilised human beings. Then you clock it, a wall mounted placard suggested that you “dine at our brilliant Rooftop Restaurant.”

Rooftop it might be, restaurant perhaps but brilliant it was not. You have to jostle your way towards the self service area and enter the fray in a vain attempt to secure yourself some nourishment. Today’s most popular dish seems to be a square slab of meat in a bun, yum. After having the aforementioned lumped onto a stone cold plate you have to then battle with jaded solicitors to make use of a glorious metal shoebox which dispenses half cups of fake coffee.

Tables are few and far between in this eatery so sharing isn’t so much an option as a given. Opposite sits a skin headed fellow in army fatigues eating an egg roll whilst wearing leather gloves. Was this to be his last meal before sentencing? Was this the last civilised feed he’d have before a life of cigarette smuggling, lights off at eight and slopping out took over? You could barely hazard a guess.

Anyway down to the food. The square sausage is gristly, salty and has a texture not dissimilar to a brillo pad. You can’t bite into it for fear of losing a tooth so the consumption exercise is one of gnawing. Ketchup with the consistency of blood can’t even mask the fact that this isn’t suitable food for a human being. Worse yet is the roll which has been half toasted for what appears to be no other reason than to hide the fact it’s stale.

They are promoting Australian themed cuisine throughout the month. What this entails you can’t even begin to imagine. Does Australia have cuisine worthy of mention? The only explanation for this culinary promotion that seems feasible is that the kitchen staff are trying to get those yet to be condemned familiar with the sort of foodstuffs they’ll have to endure after their deportation to the colonies.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE VOLUNTEER ARMS

SquareOne Booze

by Dave Hynes

So, still near the bottom(ish) of Leith Walk I volunteered to twist my arm for a pint at a new abode. The smoker’s outside seemed content enough to brave the cold and I always reckon you can tell a lot about a pub by looking at the smoker’s outside. These ones were old, cold and big Hibs men - I was later told. Better than Jambo’s I guess!

I felt more secure in a Scots accent, which I’m beginning to get good at, to order my drinks and say ‘areyt pal’ to the outside smokers; ‘hello chaps’ might have aroused suspicions of the auld enemy.

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There were a few rough looking blighters propping up the bar, especially a man with the strangest nose I’ve ever seen; sort of like a pinnochio with a terrible cold. He was jovial but completely s_t-faced and I was terrified he might sneeze at one point.

The pub itself looks okay inside, with a real delight of a bar. A huge glass panel reflects the great variety of spirits available and three huge TV’s seemed happy enough to show the horse races. The punters seemed a betting lot, with most conversation directed towards the big screens. It felt quite cosy at first but the charm wore off after all of ten minutes.

The Volunteer Arms might be a decent pub if the punters ever seemed to win anything on the races; but non-stop news about betting odds and increasingly frantic old men screaming in your ears almost drives you into the unforgiving arms of The Central.

The best thing, though, about this pub was the rather gorgeous little angel behind the bar who seemed strangely unreceptive to my charms. She is very sexy, and if you volunteer to go to this pub and she’s not there, I’m sorry, because there ain’t too much else to see.

Would I volunteer to go in again? Would a certain alcoholic philanthropy drive me towards the bosom of this s_t-hole? Would an altruistic love of Leith and its insatiable desire to sustain s_t pubs let me recommend this one to you? Noooooooo, it’s s_t, and more than that, it’s typical Leith Walk old man crap where the pub is the same as the one they’d celebrated victories at Bannockburn in.

Not a great one this I’m afraid. Still, if that barmaid had liked me . . . might let them know in the next pub I’m a cheeky reviewer, get them to water down my drink a bit less.

GOING IT ALONE

SquareOne Sport

by Pere Fornes

In the run up to the Olympic games, arguments about whether to have a GB football team are being called into question by Scotland's SNP leadership who want a separate national team competing at the events.

But if Scotland participated as a independent sporting nation in the next Olympic games would it be the first time this has happened? The answer is no. 100 years ago a Scottish hockey squad played as a separate entry in the London Olympic Games and won a bronze medal.

Scottish hockey historian Ernie Wall said: “Scotland gained the honour of playing in the first-ever men’s hockey Olympic match on October 29 1908, and also recording the first Olympic goals and victory in defeating Germany by 4-0.”

The reason for the split was that if Britain had participated as one country, there would have been only two rivals - France and Germany, Wall added: “The British Olympic Committee suggested that, to make a proper tournament, the other three Home Countries should be asked to participate.”

Scotland lost the semi-finals against England 6-1 with Ireland getting to the final after beating Wales by 3-1. The Scottish squad refused to stay another night to play Wales for the third place and both teams shared the bronze medals at the official dinner. The gold was won by England who thrashed the Irish by 8-1 in the final.

Wall concluded: “To finish the story of Scotland’s one and only appearance in the Olympics as a separate nation, the S.H.A. Council, which met in late November 1908, made no mention at all of the event! In the report to the 1909 A.G.M., the event is curtly dismissed in one sentence. Such was the tenor of the times.”

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TARTENED UP

SquareOne News Feature

by Atholl Simpson

What do the FBI, a famous Russian family and Chinese dignitaries all have in common? No, this is not the beginning of a rather questionable joke nor is it another conspiracy theory. The answer is a kilt, or to be more precise, tartan.

These distinctive organisations and groups all have their own registered tartan, which has been recognised and approved by the Scottish Tartan Authority.

There is no requirement that stops groups from having their own tartan according to the authority’s Director, Brian Wilton. Neither Scottish blood nor Scottish connections are necessary, although it must be a unique design which is used.

“Quite a few people come with their own ideas, but a lot of them ask us to design them,” Wilton told SquareOne. “Tartan is the only design in existence into which you can include personal significance. A lot can be incorporated into it.”

One example is a tartan Wilton designed for a famous Russian family called the Lermontov’s. After discovering they had Scottish descendants they wanted their own tartan to be made. Wilton used the colours from their Coat of Arms to create the design, incorporating into it the blue and white from the Scottish flag. Many people from all over the world are very keen to have their own tartan.

“There is a huge interest. The Scots have a tremendous reputation worldwide for being hard working, creative and having strong family ties. Although these might be a bit outdated, by choosing a tartan they are aligning themselves with the strengths that Scots are known for.”

Recently he created tartan designs for the O2 company but has also developed many for the US military including the American Navy submarine hunters, who when asked by Wilton why they wanted their own tartan, told him that although they have no Scottish connections, they feel like a big family.

From November of this year the government will finally participate in the registration process after years of campaigning by the Scottish Tartan Authority. Before this decision, the authority had been ‘de facto’ the official register. The change will mean that all the past, present and future tartan designs will be kept in an official government database in the National Archives of Scotland, which is something that did not exist before. The authority will still be heavily consulted according to Wilton, and will still be in charge of the registering for some time to come.

“It’s only in recent years that the economic and cultural value of the tartan has come to be recognised and protected. It’s good news for us!”

MARCHMONT BROTHEL REVEALED

SquareOne News

by Katie Smyth

Residents of Edinburgh's Southside have reacted with mixed feeling to the confirmation that a local sauna is a front for brothel.

The New Gentle Touch of Argyle Place, Marchmont poses as a massage parlour but its main trade is in prostitution. "We have the sauna and of course we do sex, £50 for a half hour, £70 for an hour," the proprietor, who wished to remain anonymous, told SquareOne.

Her statement ends years of conjecture which have surrounded The New Gentle Touch since it’s arrival in middle-class Marchmont. Eileen Dickson, spokeswoman for the Marchmont St Giles branch of the Church of Scotland Ladies' Guild said: "When it opened there was great trepidation. Everyone knew it was a brothel." However another Guild member who lives on Warrender Park Terrace, was shocked to discover this establishment exists in the neighbourhood.

Their concern coincides with that of Lothian and Borders Police who launched a new team in September 2005 to tackle exploitation and prostitution. In a press release at the time, Assistant Chief Constable Tom Halpin said, "We will be looking at people who are being lured over to this country on false pretences … Prostitution … is an area that we will be particularly focussing on."

David Anderson, barman at the Argyle pub, accepts the presence of a brothel in Argyle Place: "When it first came there was a lot of nose-turning, but now it is just one of those things. The most concerning thing is having Sick Kids and Sciennes Primary school down the road. The mothers are passing it with their kids all the time."However, he claimed The Gentle Touch does bother the people who live in the houses opposite it and one woman left the area after her public protest proved futile.

Despite certain practices surrounding prostitution's continued illegality in Britain other traders in Argyle Place were unconcerned by the confirmation of The Gentle Touch's status. Florist Monica Higgins said, "I don't have a problem with it. It's very discreet. I'm sure if there was a real problem the local bobbies would be on to it because we're a very close-knit community."

A year on from the Ipswich murders the general consensus in Marchmont is that it is safer if prostitutes operate from brothels. David Anderson said, "it takes it off the streets so it's not downgrading the area. Once you get prostitutes on the streets you then get drug-dealers. This way is better because it's regulated."

FILM OF THE WEEK: POLTERGAY

SquareOne Entertainment

by Lou Hardless

When love struck Marc (Clovis Cornillac) and Emma (Julie Depardieu) move into their dream house, they find it occupied by disco-queen poltergeists in what is an ambitious but dismal attempt at interlinking different aspects of people's lives with the
past and present.

The subject matter comes across as being extremely naive and dated, and a combination of flares, crappy dancing and 70s tunes only add to the headache that's forming. Though starting off with a fair bit of potential, the film loses its way before long with the storyline ending up all over the place. Worse still, some plot aspects have already been done to death, pardon the pun. Poor editing may also leave viewers wondering what it was all about as badly positioned subtitles only add to the agony.

I was however a little intrigued as to which audience group this film is pitched at, but on reflection it's hard to say - perhaps its humour was lost in translation?

INTERVIEW: BARRINGTON STOKES PUBLISHERS

SquareOne News Feature

by Karen Combe

Part One

Reading is fun! Not many people would start up a company just to share this particular secret, but founders of Barrington Stoke, specialist publishers for struggling readers did exactly that in 1996. "Teachers, Patience Thomson and her daughter-in-law publisher Lucy Juckes, started the company in Lucy's front room," says Fiona Brown, marketing manager for trade at the company. "Patience's son Ben, married to Lucy, has severe dyslexia and because of their background and experience, they noticed there were few exciting books available for struggling readers, and were inspired to do something about it."

Thomson and Juckes have definitely surpassed their goal to provide, age appropriate, stylishly written books for reluctant readers. One and a half million of their books have been read by readers who may otherwise have had nothing to read, other than some very basic books aimed at younger children.

Nearly ten years later the Edinburgh company is no longer in Juckes' front room, but in the basement of a grand New Town terrace. The small open plan office is jam packed full of books and busy publishers working in close proximity, accentuating the company's family atmosphere. Brown share's the office with assistant editor Lisa Murray and editorial assistant Vicky Rutherford and marketing assistant for schools, Katherine Nish. All of whom are almost obscured from view by vast piles of books on their desks. They are part of an industrious team behind the books and behind the desks, not usually in the limelight.

Murray's enthusiasm and passion in her role is apparent as she explains their publishing process. "We approach writers through their agents and they write the book as they would do any other, then our language editors set to work making the language accessible for our readers and arrange the text to encourage a smooth and easy read. The books are printed on high quality off-white paper which is restful on the eye."

Attention to detail is apparent throughout the process and in a scheme unique to Barrington Stoke, the first people to get their hands on the manuscripts are the readers. Brown explains how writers must run the gauntlet of their reader's careful analysis: "We send them the manuscripts and they mark passages that they particularly like and underline words they have difficulty with. All the reviews are sent to language editors along with the collated marked up sheets. So far we have had pretty much positive feedback. We do this with every single book including adult books."

Brown produces a review, of The Vampire Grange by Terry Deary, from a schoolgirl in Fife. A gentle critique perhaps, but she is only eight: "It was bit scary. I thought Tom and Alice were quite funny when Alice pretended to be bleeding."

Sixteen year olds might find the books in the new adult list, launched in August, too raw. Murray wrinkles her nose in mock horror as she imagines what would happen if crime writer Alan Guthrie's latest novella, Kill Clock, was placed in the children's section in bookshops by mistake:

"She was maybe in her early 30s. Tiny, slim, delicate, pale, dyed blond hair. She wasn't bad looking if you are into the crack whore look," writes Guthrie cheerfully. "We print Barrington Stoke below the title on the spine of the books to ensure that a novel such as Kill Clock is placed in the Scottish fiction section just in case there are any mistakes," says Murray.

BOOZY BRIT SEEKS BELGIAN BLONDE

SquareOne Booze

by Chris Hammond











Come May and June, even with the typically random nature of British weather, you can guarantee at least one or two days of reasonable sunshine. And with sunshine comes a stampede for barbecue friendly foods and icy cold beer. That’s what summer is all about, isn’t it?


As jet setting holiday goers are becoming increasingly adventurous, sales figures are suggesting that the days of warm English bitter of a balmy sun soaked eve are long gone. These days boozy Brits are hitting the stronger continental head splitters with aplomb. Recent reports indicate that after 40 years of lager being the undisputed tipple of choice, sales of Belgian specialty beers have risen by 30% in the past year, six times the rate of traditional bestsellers, including lagers and real ales.


One of the new favourites for those of us partial to a wee tipple is a blonde Belgian beast called Leffe, a strong straw coloured number with a not too shabby 6.6% ABV. For the British drinker who is used to a more neutered volume, beers like Leffe inevitably represent a faster path towards destination inebriation.


However tempting a few cold beers on those scant sunny days may be, health groups are warning sun worshippers they are at serious risk from dehydration if they ditch the H20 in favour of some hop laden, high volume, headache in a glass. If you aren’t painting the streets with sick due to over consumption, it could be down to dehydration. Signs of dehydration include light-headedness and dizzy spells, so are often masked, as the same symptoms are synonymous with feeling drunk.


So enjoy the finest imports from our EU buddies, indulge in a bit of sun worshipping, but be careful not to take things too far. Drink plenty of water, stay in the shade and watch what you imbibe, there can be too much of a good thing. Drunkenness and dehydration won’t just make you unwell, the worst case scenario will see you bed bound whilst your friends enjoy the last few days of cloud free skies till May 2009.

PLAYING YOUR WAY OUT OF WEDLOCK

SquareOne News

by Atholl Simpson

Online gambling and networking sites are causing more and more marriages to break up due to spouses amassing major debts or reuniting with long lost loved ones, according to top divorce lawyers.

“If the husband or partner is into gambling online, then it can suck them into a world where they don’t engage anymore,” said Peter Thomas, a divorce solicitor from The Law Practise. “And it can have a devastating effect.”

One recent case involved a city worker that had built up a debt of more than £100,000 over many years, using different online gambling sites to spread his debt. Once his partner found out, she filed for divorce using his dire financial circumstances as grounds to prove unreasonable behaviour on his behalf.

“Some people would rather spend time on the internet than spend time with their partner,” said Conrad Adams, divorce solicitor for Cumberland Ellis, told SquareOne. According to Mr Adams internet accessibility and the promise of instant gratification is what draws people to it. Most people can use it at home but also during their normal working day since most workplaces and companies are completely computerised. There is almost instant access to the web, allowing people to escape the real world for a virtual one in which they forget that normal rules apply.“Internet gives them an instant buzz that they don’t get in real life,” he said.

The number of divorce cases involving the internet has also been growing with the increasing popularity of online networking sites such as Friends Reunited or Facebook. Adams said they have helped partners get back in touch, either intentionally or by accident, with ex-girlfriends or old teenage flames. In many cases internet flirtation has led to an extra-marital affair and the subsequent break up of a marriage.

Thomas, from The Law Practise, told SquareOne he had even come across a case where a married man was engaged in a online relationship with another woman. His wife used the evidence on his hard drive to prove adultery and win her divorce plea.

“The internet can bring inclusion in social networking and in provision of knowledge,” said Hazel Wright, from The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in London, “but if misused by addictive personalities, it has a potential for huge damage to personal relationships.”

Despite these findings, both the solicitors and the help centre agreed that these are just new and modern ways to justify a divorce.They only highlight a problem that probably already existed within the relationship.

LIFE AFTER GENOCIDE

SquareOne News Feature

by Kate Smail

Mary Blewitt lost over 50 members of her family in the Rwandan genocide. Her brother John had his leg hacked off and bled to death in front of his wife and children. Only her young niece survived. She clambered her way out of the mass grave she and her family had been dumped in, and ran to her Hutu friends for help. They returned to the grave, slaughtered any remaining survivors and raped her. One year on, Mary sifted through the 200 decaying bodies in that mass grave to look for her relatives, and reburied them one by one.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about Mary's story, is that in the context of Rwanda, it isn't that remarkable.1 million people were murdered over 100 days during the Rwandan genocide of 1994. Men, women and children, mostly Tutsi's, were slaughtered by their Hutu friends and neighbours. Over 25,000 women were raped and deliberately infected with HIV and AIDS.

Horror on such an unimaginable scale is almost impossible to comprehend. It is hard to see how anyone could rebuild their life after such inconceivable tragedy. Mary has managed to not only rebuild hers, but that of countless others through her work as the founder and director of SURF Survivors Fund. SURF has helped those left behind, the orphans and widows, with everything from healthcare and education, right through to giving people an outlet for their grief and allowing their stories to be heard.

However, Mary explained to us why she is stepping back from her role at SURF this October, and why her new project, a Ugandan Spa, is to be her biggest challenge yet.

Speaking exclusively to Square One News, Mary said: "I've lived and breathed genocide for the last 14 years. Whatever I do with SURF is a reminder of losing my family. SURF has been great in dealing with practical day to day things, housing, education and healthcare. However, what the survivors need now is a space where they can escape the genocide, even if only for an afternoon."

"I've bought some land in Uganda and am going to open a spa. It will provide for paying customers, but also as a retreat for survivors of the genocide, who will be able to come and use the facility for free on designated days. I want to offer people a different way of dealing with their pain."

"Nobody is telling these survivors that life can move on, that it's ok to be happy. I want to create somewhere that gives people the space to deal with the trauma they have experienced. The spa will offer survivors the chance to do something that is just for them, a massage or a facial, something that lets them know it's ok to love yourself."

Mary hopes that by training locals in techniques such as massage and alternative therapies, they in turn will be able to teach other survivors, who will then be able to set up businesses and therefore help more people.

When asked what she wants the spa to achieve, Mary replies simply: "I want people to know there is life after genocide."

For more information on SURF visit www.survivors-fund.org.uk

MEAT MONARCH?

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Gaudy, miserable and architecturally grotesque the initial aesthetics of Burger King leave a lot to be desired - and this is just the outside. Inside it’s busy, fully booked if you will and there’s a queue for service stretching right back to the door. And it’s whilst waiting that it grimly dawns on you that everyone round about has a very visible problem. Obese, scruffy, delinquent, psychotic even; it’s the advert for the human race mankind’s marketing department pulled. Someone has also trundled in an impressive amount of dog pooh. It snakes along the floor like a disgusting snail trail, whilst gormless minions of the corporate culinary colossus look at it with expressions of bemusement.


As the queue slowly dissipates and ordering is but moments away gag reflexes are tested further when you move uncomfortably close to the bald acne riddled cranium of the customer straight in front of you. Though horrified, curiosity takes over and shuffling closer to him you listen in as he orders: “Can I have a double whopper, no lettuce, no sauce, no nothing”. One can only assume he would later dispose of the buns and lather his visage in the grease of the congealing monstrosity handed over to him in an effort to cultivate his not unimpressive collection of swelling pussy plukes.


Whist the act of ordering might be traumatic, the eating process could bring a grown man to tears. The dining area looks like an open plan airport canteen. Huddled bodies sit in silence picking over their meals whilst a rather proper looking older lady prowls the ghastly linoleum floor with a clip board and hint of menace. The food is lukewarm, almost certainly cooked an hour ago and visibly as stimulating as Vanessa Feltz in a thong. It does contain meat however and it appears to have been flame grilled as advertised – but what type of meat? Racoon? Worse still is the cheese, lathered on like some sort of florescent paint it clings to the burger in a cloying sickly embrace.


Trying to wash away the stagnant taste with your drink is pointless, because the cup you receive at the counter is no more than a container for ice cubes. As you watch the flaccid asbo-collecting clientèle gorge on the plastic masquerading as food misanthropy descends. If hell were a restaurant it wouldn’t look too dissimilar to this; though something tells me anything flame grilled there would be a damn site more appetising.

THEATRE REVIEW: TRUMPETS AND RASPBERRIES

SquareOne Entertainment

by Katie Smyth

Rosa Brodie is having a bad time of it. It has been months since her husband Tony left her to take up jogging and wheatgerm with twenty years younger Lucy, “The Bitch,” and a relentless course of voodoo and book collecting have so far failed to return her beloved. Then one day Rosa is called on to identify the charred body of her rogue hubbie, so badly disfigured in a terrorist skirmish which led to his boss’ abduction, that only his “wee ears” are recognisable. But hope remains. A team of talented surgeons led by an eccentric German with a penchant for sedatives, sepositories and socialist women set about rebuilding Tony’s mangled face using the tissue from his buttocks.

All starts swimmingly and on the long road to recovery the former Fiat worker and union rep even extends his vocabulary to include “astronaut” and “concupiscence,” much to the frustration of his sloganeering spouse. The problem is he simply cannot recognise the woman he now calls madam as his wife. Matters are further complicated when a stranger with an identical face turns up and the investigation into Sir John Lamb’s abduction draws uncomfortably close.

In this intriguing, skillfully characterised McAvoy adaptation, The Lyceum masterfully transposes Dario Fo’s Italian farce to an Edinburgh sometime in the near future. Here David Cameron is Prime Minister, Paris Hilton a US senator and vibrating trams lend furniture a life of their own. Infidelity, mistaken identity and the ramblings of rehabilitation leave the audience gasping for breath in this rumbustious romp. Never has a meat grinder caused so many shoulders to shake, as the hapless Rosa force feeds Tony sausage through his nose. An inspired climax to the Lyceum’s impressive season.

Trumpets and Raspberries is showing at Edinburgh's Royal Lyceum until Sat 10 May