HAUTE CUISINE (HOT FOOD)

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Food

McDonald's, the world's most famous non-Michelin starred restaurant would be my dinner destination for tonight.

Decorated like a tasteless hospital canteen with barely functional tables and chairs, McDonald's first impressions suggested little to warrant its international reputation. This was of course the dining choice of many a Hollywood celebrity, including empty headed mime sensation Britney Spears. Unperturbed by my initial disappointment I moved towards the reception.

The restaurant has done away with traditional waiting practices, and operate a newfangled queue system where one has to stand in line before picking from a gaudy wall mounted menu. On reaching the front and confirming my reservation (which they had misplaced), the drone in attendance then asked to take my order which was then cooked right in front of my very eyes in a fully functional open view kitchen. Surprisingly, despite the fact two thirds of the restaurant's clientele were heavily inebriated I was curtly informed alcohol was not on the menu, nor was there a lounge bar I could retire to after my dinner. Not to worry after thirty seconds my order was ready.

Tucking into a Big Mac meal served on a cardboard plate, I sat back to enjoy the experience. The burger hinted at meat product, the cola was well iced and the salt content of the fries was reassuringly high. A feast fit for a king, despite leaving a vaguely nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Meal over what then struck me about McDonald's, other than the smell of nappies and sweat, was the very exclusive dress code. In fact sitting here decked out in a fine Italian blazer, Loakes and crisply ironed shirt I stood out like a sore thumb. Most of the hungry masses had adopted a very casual interpretation of sports casual which included training shoes, jogging bottoms and hooded top. The music too was more P Diddy than philharmonic orchestra lending an edgy uncertain atmosphere to proceedings.

Later, when moving onto dessert (something called a McFlurry), the ambiance was greatly enhanced by a dishevelled collection of England rugby fans whose busy hands, receding hairlines and notable paunches, complemented the near skeletal collection of Adidas clad proletariat who had overtaken much of the eating space. With the violent undertones escalating as the Sassenach’s rued their surprise butchering at the hands of ‘Ex Edinburgh Public Schools Egg Chasing Select’ I decided to retire to the washroom to freshen up. Here I met a young Leither called Chas who was frantically trying to find his veins under the UV light, whatever for exactly I’m unsure. Unable to freshen up sufficiently, mostly due to the fact the scent emanating from the sink suggested it was also functioning as an auxiliary toilet, I scrambled back to my dining table only to find a nervy pack of Japanese tourists huddled there. Rather than join them for a friendly chat I disappeared to The Oxford where there were a half dozen pints of IPA with my name written all over them.

SQUAREONE ALBUM OF THE WEEK

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

Bumtech - Beware of D-G
(CD Baby Records)

Yet another slice of bizarre tuneage from the crazy musical carnival that is Portland, Oregon. Bumtech are a mixed sex electro-pop duo, who like to sing about mixed up sex.

How well a song about condoms, the pill, grandmothers, abortion and IUD's would do in the charts I couldn't possibly say, but you get the feeling that gargantuan commercial success is not what Bumtech are about.

Sounding a little like 90's synth pop pioneers The Pulsars with Russell Brand writing the lyrics might not read well on paper, but this little something just about makes the 40 minute experience pleasurable.

Anyway, how can you possibly ignore an album which is a perennial favourite of the late night slot on Herne Bay Radio Station, Kent?

SQUAREONE GIG OF THE WEEK

by Atholl Simpson

SquareOne Entertainment

Omid Djalili

10th March 2008, The Playhouse, Edinburgh

The self professed ‘Fat One’ is back with a new stand-up show following his recent outing on prime time BBC, and I was keen to see whether or not the Celebrated Iranian comic would live up to expectations. Proceedings kicked off ‘2001 Space Odyssey’ style; with total darkness and classical music setting the tone for what promised to be an epic show.

There were few ethnic groups that didn’t get the p__s ripped out of them, or at least receive a sly little comment. Whether it was a Korean footballer's dog eating skills, the Poles taking over Scotland or Nigerian traffic wardens, most stereotypes were there. His ‘Al Qaeda Christmas party’ was priceless: ‘No drinking, no dancing. But the fastest game of pass the parcel you have ever seen!’ Entertaining it was, fresh and inventive it wasn’t.

He might like to play with race, but the repetitive nature and volume of clichés he used slowed the show down. Djalili’s energy and loud-mouthed spurts seemed to cover up the lack of a fresh approach to already jaded views of the Middle East and show business world.

The festival of humour on display from this energetic, boisterous, little man did however reach a killer peak. He really does know how to end a show. The finale was a myriad of belly-dancing, painfully funny gymnastic attempts and fireworks that sent the audience off with a smile.

STADIUM FUTURE DECIDED

by Karen Combe

SquareOne News

After a year of bitter wrangling, the future of Meadowbank Stadium in Edinburgh is to be decided today.

Campaigners who have battled to save the landmark sports facility fear that councillors will push for a sell off of a large chunk of the site at a full City of Edinburgh Council meeting today.

Aaron Lowe, spokesman for the 'Savemeadowbank Campaign', said: "Our understanding from our meetings on the latest working group is that the council will recommend that perhaps 50% of the site be sold off. Many people who thought their vote would save Meadowbank last May are disappointed that the new council administration seems equally determined to use Meadowbank as a council cash line."

In a final push to rally public support, campaigners, local residents, athletes and coaches gathered at a meeting on Monday evening at Holyrood Abbey Church.

The Edinburgh Cycling Club representatives said the loss of the velodrome at Meadowbank used for training by Olympic medallist champion Chris Hoy would jeopardise Scotland's medal chances in the future.

Local MSP and Justice Minister Kenny McAskill responded to criticisms from the hundreds of people at the meeting about the administration's decision to consider selling public land at Meadowbank. "There are some hard decisions to make", he said, and blamed the previous administration's £500 million pound tram project for a cash shortfall which has hindered projects such as the refurbishment of Meadowbank.

Senior Athletics coach Bill Walker said, "All we can hope for is that all councillors see sense on Meadowbank. If a wrong decision is taken, they will be denying future generations a fair chance."

ECA WEAVES MAGIC

by Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment

Tickets for Edinburgh College of Art's 2008 fashion show went on sale on Monday.

This year's eagerly awaited event will showcase the latest tailoring by graduating students and will take place on Wednesday 7 and Friday 9 May.

The annual show, which has been running for over 50 years will feature the work of 14 graduating fashion students. The designers have each created a garment from woven fabrics provided by Borders-based Lochcarron which they will send down the runway with bespoke headpieces.

Robert Gillan, associate head of the School of Design said: "This year's fashion show promises to be one of the best ever with a particularly strong final year group whose hard work has resulted in an eclectic range of collections … we fully anticipate audiences to be impressed by the level of creativity, skill and the vision of our students."

The show will also included collections by graduates, second and third year students as well as work by textile designers and theatrical pieces from the Performance Costume class. This year's show will take place in the college's sculpture court at 6.30pm and 9pm on Wednesday 7 May, and 7pm and 9pm on Friday 9 May. Tickets, priced £15, are available from Tickets Scotland at http://www.ticket-scotland.com/, 0131 220 3234, or in person from their Rose Street branch.

DIENY ITOE INTERVIEW

by Caitlin Rattray

SquareOne Fashion

Strutting into a coffee shop in Edinburgh, glamorous young fashion designer Dieny Itoe looks as well suited to modelling her clothes as she does creating them. Kitted out in a cropped fur jacket, thick black tights and with a luscious black afro, she has liquorice legs to die for.

Dieny was born and brought up in Cameroon and at the age of 10 moved to Tain in the North of Scotland. Desperate to escape the small town, she moved to Glasgow as a student and took up a course in Community Arts at North College.

There, she was scouted by a modelling agency, and despite being encouraged to move to the states to make a career out of it, she wasn’t keen: “It’s never something that I wanted to pursue” she says, “although I do still model occasionally. It’s easy money!”

In November, her collections appeared as part of a 10-strong shortlist for the 2007 Glasgow 1999 Medal. It was the fourth to be awarded and the shortlist included a range of projects created as a legacy to Glasgow 1999, ‘Year of Architecture and Design’. Dieny’s contribution was a medley of beautifully handcrafted dresses and blouses.

Despite the acclaim, Dieny did not consider the possibility that she might win: “Honestly, have you seen what some of the other nominees have designed?", she asks as she starts flicking through the programme, “I mean look at this one… this girl designed a device that helps to re-grow jaw bones after cancer surgery. How do you compete with that? I don’t think anyone has ever won for making pretty things!” This comment would come back to haunt her as she went on to win the award.

Dieny’s work is inspired by the works of turn of the century illustrators Arthur Rackham and Edmund Dulac, both of whom drew for a collection of fairytales.

She explains their influence: “For me, this collection was all about playing with proportions. In Rackham and Dulac’s illustrations, you see a lot of tiny fairies standing beside huge mushrooms and it is images like this that inspired the oversized skirts and collars in the collection.”
These fairytales also inspired the colour palate that Dieny chose for her collection: “If you look at the illustrations in many fairytales, you will see that they are often surprisingly dark and the most prominent colour is often grey. So the pieces in the collection are mostly grey with pale peaches and pinks appearing too.”

When asked about working in such a notoriously tough industry, Dieny effortlessly shrugs it off: “Working as a model means that I have had some experience of the fashion industry already. I sort of knew what to expect and I suppose it sparked my initial interest in fashion so it couldn’t have been all bad!”

She is not embarrassed to admit how important it is to have an address book full of contacts: “I guess part of it is about knowing the right people. If I hadn’t modelled for The Herald, I wouldn’t have met certain people that in turn, lead to some of my clothes appearing in the paper. Similarly, if I hadn‘t been involved with Glasgow Fashion Week, I wouldn’t have met the head buyer at Fifi and Ally who decided to stock my clothes.”

Currently at Edinburgh School of Art, Dieny was offered a chance to fast track straight into third year, but modestly turned it down as she wanted the full term experience. It seems that her education is something that she is very passionate about: “My clothes are sold in Fifi and Ally in Glasgow, and I have been offered a couple of other places, but unfortunately I just don’t have the time to make the clothes.”

This is something that can be overlooked about young designers; every item that appears in the shops has been painstakingly produced by them alone, from the first drawings to the final stitch.

Edinburgh College of Art will hold their annual fashion show for graduating student on Wednesday 7th May and Friday 5th May, see Arts news for details.

DOWN BUT NOT OUT

by Kate Smail

SquareOne Sports

We may have trounced England at the rugby, but let’s face it, Scotland is more famous for its deep fried food than its sporting prowess.
But there is one sport where we’re starting to gain recognition, and that’s the high octane world of downhill mountain biking. Last September, Scotland’s Ruaridh Cunningham took the gold in the junior event at the World Championships, and what’s more he did it on home soil in Fort William. SquareOne made the 18 year old from Stow stay still just long enough to explain what it’s all about.

S1: For those people who don't know much about the sport, describe the basics of downhill.

RC: It’s basically downhill skiing on a bike, lots of jumps and other more technical obstacles litter a taped out track on a mountain and we race the clock. It involves every aspect of fitness; mental, physical and it involves a great skill range too.

S1: What do you think of the campaign to make downhill an Olympic sport?

RC: It should be in there for sure. I can’t see the Winter Olympics without the downhill skiing and what we do is basically the summer version. It’s also an exciting sport to watch, and to be honest that can’t be said for every Olympic sport. Who wants to watch bowling?! It’s definitely up to the Olympic standard.

S1: Describe your emotions when you crossed the line and realised you'd become the world champ?

RC: I'd say I was relieved more than anything! It was the one race I'd planned to win for years and for all the hard work to pay off was just amazing. I got pretty excited when I realised I'd done it, and the emotion of the Fort William crowd spurred me on a bit too! The UK has finally found a sport we're good at.

S1: Why does it get so little media attention?

RC: I think the fact it’s not an Olympic sport and lack of television coverage. Although it’s definitely becoming bigger and the media seem to be more interested every year. Also the fact that not many people know much about it outside the sport, but the World Champs at Fort William there was 40,000 spectators, so it’s not exactly unpopular.

S1: In terms of injuries, DH is now ranked one of the most dangerous sports in the world. Ever get the fear, and what's the worst injury you’ve ever sustained?

RC: I had a pretty bad crash and damaged my knee in October. I snapped my anterior cruciate ligament, tore my medial cruciate ligament and it was a bit of a mess. That’s the worst injury I've ever had, but you do hear about people crashing and breaking their backs and necks. It does make you think, but it’s a risk we have to take.

S1: Scotland has some of the best mountain bike trails in the world, how do you think the sport will develop in this country?

RC: I think as a leisure activity at weekends mountain biking is huge. I think this will give the sport a massive boost as so many people will then be able to relate and understand what we do, having tried it themselves.

Thanks Ruaridh.