THE WORST FOOTBALL GROUNDS IN BRITAIN

SquareOne Sport

by Dave Hynes

The SquareOne team have been racking their heads for some time now. In fact, tensions are running high as the announcement looms. We’ve all been to those torrid away games where it feels like you’re in the visiting end of hell, the slightly colder end where misery wreaks havoc and they have the pomposity to serve crap pies to you. Ah yes, it’s with some nostalgia that I picture them in all their glory, the stadias of shabbiness, cold seats, zero facilities, broken turnstiles, leaking roofs- and that was if you were lucky!

Let me make you privy to the scientific investigation that has gone behind this piece. To help Dave on his quest, the SquareOne News team has conducted its own survey, based on the traditional SquareOne practice of getting the right interviews and going straight to the heart of the story. Our extensive network of football fans, our own writers and editors, lots of people on internet chatrooms and, of course, folk down the pub have all been consulted.

The Top Ten worst grounds are there mostly on merit; they received either the most or the harshest mocking of people who’ve had the misfortune to visit them. The perspectives are basically from those at the Visiting End apart from a magnanimous exception in the gracious John McLean, the Chesterfield fan who nominated his own club.

We’ve taken into account the many factors that go towards making a crap ground and my God there are many – leaking or even non existent roofs, whether the seats were designed for jockeys or really small jockeys, ticket prices, lack of atmosphere, PA announcers with speech impediments, the barbed wire mesh, the charm of the natives, crumbling terracing, the portaloo’s and overall value for money.

A couple are based purely on my experiences and I’ve let our editor nominate a couple of others. All the rest are the fruits of democracy, drum roll please . . .

1) Bayview, East Fife FC: East Fife's home matches are played at Bayview Stadium, capacity 2,000 they hope. The ground has one stand and is open at the three remaining sides. The far side is overshadowed by the derelict Methil power station.Yes, this one wins it for me. See Below.

2) Central Park, Cowdenbeath: is situated just off the High Street in the centre of the town. Bang in the centre of town. It’s only 50 metres from the sea with a huge racetrack around it! Not sure if this one meets SPL standards! Not sure if it meets any standard really.


3) Recreation Park, Chesterfield: This one seems most unpopular with the English responses we got. Derek Shaw, chairman of Preston North End told SquareOne it was:

“By far the worst in England is that heap they call Recreation Park, I couldn’t think of a more inappropriate name for a football ground”

4) Priestfield, Gillingham: Never fails to live down to expectations.

5) Kenilworth Road, Luton: Football ground meets penitentiary. See for yourself.

6) Stair Park, Stranraer: A hut in a park would be far too kind. Needs a bomb.

7) Blundell Park, Grimsby: With many areas of seating without any view of the pitch, it is one of those prestigious grounds with no redeeming features.

8) Gayfield Park, Arbroath: You Fifers ain’t doing too well here. This ones a pure smoky mess.

9) Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen: The coldest ground in Europe. Who chooses to build a stadium slap bang next to the North Sea? If you sit in the South Stand and survive the dire football, you’ll die of exposure as you make a dash for one of the surrounding watering holes on 90 minutes. Sadistic. You can't feel the freeze in this picture, but the photographer did. R.I.P my friend . . .

10) Ochilview Park, Stenhousemuir: Another hell-hole from Scotland.

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: R.E.M

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

R.E.M – Accelerate (Warner Brothers)

Last century an R.E.M release would quite literally have signalled a collective orgasm for the music press and public. Smart, unique to the point of weird and sublimely listenable R.E.M were the intelligent mainstream band of choice. 'Were' being the key word here; because inevitably success bred expectation levels which could not easily be met.

Monster, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, Up, Reveal, Around The Sun. . . hardly essential listening. I suspect for the first time ever R.E.M knew they had to deliver in order to remain reasonably relevant.

So it's with as sort of resigned inevitability I can confirm that Accelerate is better than their previous three efforts combined but only half as good as Out of Time. Make of that what you will.

Song for song it sounds typically R.E.M. The wickedly addictive Mr Richards harks back to the halcyon days of the mid 1980's when the group evolved into a quirky, grungy, indie behemoth whilst Supernatural Superserious is as breezy a summer pop song as you'll likely hear this year.

More of the same only better next time, thanks lads.

EDINBURGH INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL LAUNCH

The Hub

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

The Launch of the Edinburgh International Festival at the Hub, was so I thought, going to be a fantastically frivolous jaunt. Here I expected to swagger in to find myself surrounded by whimsical nubile arty young women and ruddy faced homosexuals pontificating on War poets and the best way to eat an egg. A promiscuous net-workers dream, I envisioned an evening where even my most mildly debauched anecdote would seem hilariously avant garde. I was going to get numbers, I was going to meet people and I was going to consume an impressive amount of free alcohol.

Were things as expected? Not quite. As I sauntered into the guts of the Hub I was confronted by a collection of coves so crusty a couple could have been cadavers. Oh dear. Spider senses tingling (largely this manifests itself in a dull ache in my left testicle) it dawned on me that I was out of my depth. Even the fail safe mantra of “what would Richard Sharpe do?” couldn’t help me. Not to worry as long as nobody spoke to me I couldn’t cause any damage and as long as there were speeches going on nobody was going to speak to me. But as detailed in outlining events as festival director Jonathan Mills was in his speech, it did of course have to finish.

Afterwards polite applause ensued. Polite this is except for me, who caught up by the fact there actually seemed to be blood pumping in the audience after all, had embarked upon what can best be described as the kind of over zealous palm slapping witnessed only at football grounds. I was drawing glances, but then that could have been because of the urinal splashback which seemed to have deposited itself all over the toes of my badly polished shoes.

I was being sized up. A crumpled, jaded, 24 year old hack in crumpled jaded untucked shirt was fair game for this wizened selection of tweed clad society types. A younger sort (mid 60’s perhaps?), beefy, handsome but wearing a deranged smile came over: “what do you think of the bill?” Mind focusing I replied “I don’t think it’s been the same since they axed Reg.”

Frequent feckless festival themed faux pas aside, I began to hit some sort of stride and can confirm now, as I did that evening to many, that the Edinburgh International Festival 2008 will be ‘s_t hot’.

SquareOne’s International Festival Picks 2008

1 Roby Laktos and Ensemble

2 Alfred Brendel

3 Matthew Bourne New Dventures of Dorian Gray

4 Devils Ship

5 Class Enemy

Don't take my flippant word for it visit the International Festival website for more www.eif.co.uk

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE CENTRAL BAR

The story so far: We send Dave out and about in Leith to soak up the atmosphere in the less fashionable night-spots in the city. So far he's been offered knock-off goods in the Marksman and made friends with the locals in the Foot of The Walk. This week, barely staggering distance from his last port of call, Dave has a tipple in the Central Bar on Leith Walk.

by David Hynes

SquareOne Pubs

My goodness this is Leith at its grimmest, not quite enough to shake the Marksman from its top ranking in the pantheon of pub poorness (even at this early stage it looks like the clear front-runner to get the coveted ‘worst pub in Leith’ award) but shockingly bad all the same.

Going to terrible pubs is personality building, and because of this terrible pubs can become national institutions. Like boozy initiation tests for the truly British. But alas, the Central is not so much an initiation test as a test of will, mainly because the place is so sense-numbingly dull.

The décor looks like a drab Scottish nightmare but not nearly as interesting. Have you ever been near suicidal and wondered why you keep wasting your money at the bar? If you have and you liked that feeling then get on down to the Central, the very epicentre of the end of the world.

There were positives - the barman was undoubtedly cheery and he seemed to take no little pride in his abode. They have a widescreen TV too, but I think this is a sympathetic gesture to divert concentration away from the mucus-coloured and probably mucus-stained walls.

But the positives were few and far between and any lingering sympathy I may have had were wiped away when I was served, without doubt, the worst pint of Guinness in Edinburgh.

Know a terrible boozer? - challenge Dave to drink in it by e-mailing squareonenews@gmail.com

ZIMBABWE ELECTION UPDATE

by Kate Smail

SquareOne News

The Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party today lost patience with Zimbabwe’s delayed election results, and declared Morgan Tsvangirai the winner.

Basing their claims on polling station results already posted by the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission, the MDC assert they took 50.3 percent of the vote. There has been no comment from the ruling party Zanu-PF, or the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission to verify the statement.

However, state owned newspaper The Herald has predicted votes will be drawn between the MDC and Zanu-PF, resulting in a presidential ‘run-off,’ to take place within the next three weeks.

Reports emerging from the country suggest that the delay in announcing the results is to allow for an appropriate withdrawal of the President, not to rig votes in favour of the ruling Zanu-PF party, as was originally feared.

Sources within Harare have suggested the results have not yet been published so the ‘old man,’ as 84 year old Mugabe is known, can procure immunity from prosecution upon handing over power.

According to BBC reports, South African diplomats are with Mugabe now, urging him to relinquish power in order to preserve his reputation within Africa, where he enjoys greater respect than here in the West.

In his 28 year reign, Mugabe has ruled the country with an iron fist. Once considered the bread basket of Southern Africa, Zimbabwe now has the lowest life expectancy of any country worldwide, with an estimated four million people facing starvation and an unemployment rate of 90 percent.

If Mugabe goes, he will leave behind a country brought to its knees by crippling inflation and a catalogue of human rights abuses. Since 2005, the UN estimates that around 2.4m people have been displaced by the controversial re-settlement policy called ‘operation clear out the trash,’ whereby slum areas are flattened and its occupants forced to flee to rural areas.

Political uprisings are met with brutal military force, and the media is largely state owned and operated.

The country’s largest selling independent newspaper, The Daily News had its license revoked in 2005 after continuing criticism of the Mugabe Regime. One of its British Directors, who has asked not to be named, told Square One:

“There will be a collective sigh of relief if Mugabe goes. His departure is now being driven by regional leaders, a huge step forward in itself.”

News of the MDC’s alleged win has not yet been broadcast in Zimbabwe, where state operated television is instead showing re-runs of old cartoons.

ARE YOU GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP?

by David Hynes

SquareOne Sleep

Can counting sheep help you get to the land of nod? Does warm milk before bedtime let you catch some extra zees?

To find out the truth about getting a good night's kip, I met Dr Sleep himself, Dr Chris Idzikowski of the Edinburgh Sleep Centre. He busted the myths to give us some top tips on getting a truly refreshing slumber.

I wanted to ask Dr Sleep (as Chris has become known since becoming recognised as the leading authority on all matters snooze-related), about the link between lifestyle and sleeping patterns. Like most people, I don't think I get anything like enough sleep. I snore, I'm a napoholic and I'm always tired.

Sleeping is a serious business, poor quality sleep has been linked with high stress levels, depression, poor mental concentration and even physical damage. I asked Chris whether some people, like me, were just plain bad at it, and what hope there was of improving our nocturnal habits?

Dr Sleep explains: "although some people do seem to naturally get better sleep than others, we can all improve our sleeping habits by making a few simple changes to our lifestyle."

"The problem is, when people can't sleep they tend to smoke more, drink more alcohol or caffeine during the day just to stay awake. These decisions can affect the following night's sleep and often just postpones the fatigue to later in the day."

If that sounds depressingly familiar, what's the best way to change our sleeping patterns for the better?

"You should get up when it's light and sleep in a dark environment. Going to bed at about the same time each night will help; it's all about establishing a routine which tells the body what time sleep is needed. Irregular sleeping patterns and heavy nights out all distort this inner body chronology" says Dr Sleep.

Still, he insists that naps are our body's way of telling us we aren't getting enough sleep during night-time. But naps may not be the long-term solution to playing catch-up on our sleep levels during the day.

"Sleeping in a darkened, quiet room at a good temperature and relaxing into a sleeping routine all help tell the body it's time to recharge the batteries. Also getting a decent bed is important." And speaking of beds, March is National Bed Month. So how important is a good bed to getting a decent kip?

Dr Sleep: "it's more a case of finding a bed that's comfortable for you, there are no definite rules as to whether it should be extra hard or extra soft but you spend a lot of your life on a bed so investing in a good one is a must."

So there you have it, pearls of wisdom from the best expert in the field. Dr Sleep has a radio show and a newspaper column called 'pillow talk' in the Sunday Herald and has podcasts on the web via VideoJug.com.

Must dash, I'm starting to nod off…………..

VIVIR EN EDIMBURGO

por Pere Fornes

CuadradoUno Recorrido


Edimburgo es la ciudad de moda. Después de Londres es la que más número de españoles atrae, y atrae más que Londres en proporción. Llevo más de dos años viviendo aquí y he decidido escribir este artículo sobre la información que me hubiera gustado tener antes de venir.


Edimburgo es mas barata que Londres y el acento es de los más fáciles de entender en escocia. Es acento escocés, sin embargo, y por tanto difícil de entender. Si hablas con gente Universitaria, o que vive en zonas pijas, el acento es muy similar al inglés. Sin embargo, en cuanto te pongas a hablar con gente de clase trabajadora o de los suburbios, no vas a entender nada. Ahora bien, a menos que tu inglés sea muy bueno, eso no va a pasar, no vas a hacer muchos amigos escoceses.

Si vas a estudiar ingles, te recomiendo que visites la web de la compañía Studying and Working in Scotland http://www.edimburgo.fsbusiness.co.uk/. Cuando vine aquí en 2006, estuve estudiando inglés en el Telford College desde enero a junio. La SWS me cobro los mismos precios que hubiera pagado si me hubiera matriculado por mi mismo. Sin embargo, conocí a otros españoles que habían venido con otras empresas y habían pagado más del doble de las tasas que el Telford College cobraba. La misma compañía tiene un programa trabajo, por el cual si que cobra, como otras empresas.

Uno de los inconvenientes de venir aquí a vivir es que esta lleno de españoles, aunque con la Unión Europea y el atractivo que tiene el Reino Unido con el tema del inglés, parece que hay españoles por todas partes. No esta mal que al principio estés con gente que habla tu lengua nativa, pero si tu objetivo es mejorar el nivel de inglés, te recomiendo que te vayas a vivir a un piso donde no haya gente de habla hispana. Respecto al trabajo lo mismo.

Sin embargo, Edimburgo, como el resto de Escocia, tiene una ventaja fundamental para gente de la Unión Europea que quiera estudiar/terminar una carrera universitaria: no se pagan tasas de matricula. Te puedes estudiar una carrera gratis aunque hayas terminado otra.

Hay excepciones, como que si recibiste becas o ayudas del gobierno en tu país para estudiar en la Universidad, no puedes solicitar la gratuidad de tasas de matricula aquí. Sin embargo, conozco a multitud de hispanoamericanos estudiando aquí sin pagar tasas. Ahora bien, la gente de Latinoamérica que no paga tasas, tiene pasaporte de algún país de la unión europea, ya que tiene algún abuelo español, italiano o de algún otro país de la UE. Para masteres si que se pagan tasas excepto los ingenieros y algunas otras áreas. Para mas información sobre el tema de las tasas puedes visitar la agencia gubernamental encargada de ello http://www.saas.gov.uk/.

Respecto de buscar piso, te recomiendo que visites la web http://edinburgh.gumtree.com/. Puedes ir a agencias, si estas dispuesto/a a pagar solo para que te den una lista de pisos, pero en la web citada hay mucha variedad y no tienes que pagar nada.

En cuanto al tema del trabajo, va a depender esencialmente de si buscas trabajo a tiempo parcial porque vas a estar estudiando y de tu nivel de inglés. A mi me costó al principio, porque buscaba trabajo a tiempo parcial con horarios muy específicos. Cuando tuve más disponibilidad horaria, conseguí uno pronto pero solo me llamaron de un sitio. En la web de gumtree también hay trabajos pero lo mejor es que salgas a la calle y preguntes en sitios donde veas que se anuncian vacantes, o incluso en los que no se anuncian. Otra opción es ir a alguna de las oficinas de empleo (jobcentres) de Edimburgo. La mas céntrica esta en St. Andrew Square.

Los sueldos son más altos, pero la vida es más cara también. Aunque el poder adquisitivo sigue siendo mas alto que en España, pero la libra se ha devaluado recientemente. Respecto de las ayudas gubernamentales a las que puedes acceder, recomiendo visitar http://www.spaniards.es/wiki/prestaciones-y-ayudas-reino-unido.

Para finalizar, no te voy a recomendar ni que vengas ni que no. Diferente gente tiene diferentes experiencias aunque la mayoría de gente que conozco ha tenido una experiencia positiva. Conozco muchos que vinieron en principio para tres meses, como yo, y ya llevan años.

Edimburgo. Capitulo 1.

PE-ED OFF

by Alexa Brown

Square One News

The University of Edinburgh has been criticised by P.E. teachers after it admitted that over 250 postgraduate P.E. teaching applicants are turned away every year.

Over 100 undergraduate Physical Education students are enrolled at the University every year, but this large number means that there are only 20 places left each session for older and more experienced postgraduate students, according to Edinburgh University's head of postgraduate P.E., Dr John Sproule.

Lynsey Anderson, a full-time P.E. teacher at Earlston High School and an Edinburgh University graduate said: "I think these figures are shocking. It means that lots of older people, who may have a good degree and teaching experience, have less chance of becoming a teacher than a 17 year-old who may not be sure that they even want to be a teacher."

Dr Sproule stated that Scottish Universities may need to consider an admissions system similar to the one currently operating in England, where undergraduate P.E. applicants are offered half of the places available and the other half are offered to postgraduates: "We take on 100 undergraduate students each year, and this figure drops down to around 80 when they graduate. In the postgraduate programme, that simply doesn't happen. There is a need for a policy change."

Anna Potter, a Sports Science student who applied to study a postgraduate P.E. teaching degree at Edinburgh University last year was shocked by the limited number of places available. She said: "When I applied this year, there were hundreds of other applicants. Out of those only 60 got interviews, and only 20 were offered places. I've been coaching sport and working with children for four years and still can't get a place."

There were also calls from teachers and Universities for more money to be spent on physical education in schools. At present, private schools in Scotland can have as many as fifteen full-time P.E. teachers, whereas most state schools tend to only employ around six or seven.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF...ER...THE AUDIENCE

Sing-a-long-a Sound of Music

Playhouse Sat 22^nd 2008

by Karen Combe

SquareOne Entertainment

"Some of you have popped your poppers too early". Even at a night out with extreme double cheese credentials, there are rules to follow. The warm-up chap was imparting a few of the night's ground rules to the motley audience of hundreds of nuns (many of them bearded and pregnant), a couple of mountains and plenty of brown paper packages tied up with string. Naturally, all of them had gathered to worship at the altar of The Sound of Music, complete with karaoke style lyric subtitles.

The poppers were in the 'sing-a-long-a-production' fun bags (not suitable for children under 36 months according to the accompanying rule sheet, unlike the event itself.) A sing-a-long-a virgin has to abandon the usual social etiquette associated with being part of a theatre audience. Anything goes here. The audience can chat, get drunk, heckle (Baroness Schraeder), jeer (the Nazis) upstage Andrews and Plummer and generally participate, participate, participate.

So it's essential to know what to do with the stuff in the bag: the square of patterned fabric for instance, must be waved during the scene when Maria is thoughtfully contemplating running up the cute play clothes from the curtains, and the sprig of Edelweiss….you can imagine. Hard core sing-a-long-a fans bring their own whistles to accompany Captain Von Trappe's judicious whistle blowing habits and of course torches to shine treacherously at the screen, to help the Nazis winkle out the Von Trappe's, hidden in the darkness of the Abbey.

But before the 42 year old reel was cranked up, Toblerones were on offer for best costumes worn by the shy audience who paraded on stage. Most of My favourite Things were represented in the shape of whiskers on kittens, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes and even "when a bee stings and I'm feeling sad!" Sister Margaretta in a bright blue habit, (geddit) won the top prize of a bottle of bubbly, possibly robbing the McVon Trapp family boys in cute tartan play clothes taking the phrase 'put a kilt on it' to a whole new level!

It's the opening scene at last, cinematography at its best. Shot from a helicopter, the spectacular beauty of Austrian snow topped mountains, wild flowers, blue skies and the sound of …Julie, Julie, Julie followed by wild cheers from the excited audience with nuns jumping out of their seats as she appears, cantering joyously up the hill complete with iconic carpet bag and apron. And that marked the start of a top night: a raucous romp through the music of Rogers and Hammerstein only interrupted by the intermission and the bizarre sight of fifty nuns waiting in line for the loo.

THEATRE REVIEW: SINGLE SPIES

King's Theatre, Edinburgh

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

Nigel Havers is a name that inspires. I, in my formative years at least, quite literally yearned to be Nigel Havers when I was older. Not too tall, spindly and boyish, but boozy, hedonistically absorbed and caddish with a penchant for throwaway women, shoes and a damn good blazer. I am referring of course to Nigel’s performance in now redundant BBC midlife crisis drama/comedy Manchild.

Now in my mid twenties and counting down the years till I can truly replicate his amoral screen persona, I was quite frankly frenzied to learn that he was coming to Edinburgh to perform as (how suitably) a spy in an Alan Bennett play! Enlisting the aid of my best friend, I descended onto the Kings Theatre to partake in what I thought would be two hours of Havers bounding, blethering, boozing and bedding in the name of Her Majesty’s Secret Services.

Notebook in hand, more for taking down tips than forming notes, I grabbed my seat expectantly. What unfolded was two hours of esoteric art babble, Carry On-esque innuendo, rigidly unbelievable conversation, very little espionage and a jaded, sterile Havers decked out in suits so shiny they could have come from Burtons.

Alan Bennett wrote this in the late 80’s, and it shows. With many of the Cold War jokes redundant, the audience needed something to hold their flagging attention. Split into two entirely different short plays and with little to suggest either segment was worthy of extended development I could only console myself that someone somewhere had to be having a worse evening.

Oh how they japed about the national gallery and the Queen and communism! Oh how I receded further into my seat biting my fist in order to repress a roar of “Nigel do something manly!” Finally, mercifully, the 1980’s Are You Being Served style chit-chat ended and as I mutely applauded the team taking their bow all I could think about was alcohol, the attractive usher and why my plus one looked like he wanted to strangle me.