THEATRE REVIEW: SINGLE SPIES

King's Theatre, Edinburgh

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

Nigel Havers is a name that inspires. I, in my formative years at least, quite literally yearned to be Nigel Havers when I was older. Not too tall, spindly and boyish, but boozy, hedonistically absorbed and caddish with a penchant for throwaway women, shoes and a damn good blazer. I am referring of course to Nigel’s performance in now redundant BBC midlife crisis drama/comedy Manchild.

Now in my mid twenties and counting down the years till I can truly replicate his amoral screen persona, I was quite frankly frenzied to learn that he was coming to Edinburgh to perform as (how suitably) a spy in an Alan Bennett play! Enlisting the aid of my best friend, I descended onto the Kings Theatre to partake in what I thought would be two hours of Havers bounding, blethering, boozing and bedding in the name of Her Majesty’s Secret Services.

Notebook in hand, more for taking down tips than forming notes, I grabbed my seat expectantly. What unfolded was two hours of esoteric art babble, Carry On-esque innuendo, rigidly unbelievable conversation, very little espionage and a jaded, sterile Havers decked out in suits so shiny they could have come from Burtons.

Alan Bennett wrote this in the late 80’s, and it shows. With many of the Cold War jokes redundant, the audience needed something to hold their flagging attention. Split into two entirely different short plays and with little to suggest either segment was worthy of extended development I could only console myself that someone somewhere had to be having a worse evening.

Oh how they japed about the national gallery and the Queen and communism! Oh how I receded further into my seat biting my fist in order to repress a roar of “Nigel do something manly!” Finally, mercifully, the 1980’s Are You Being Served style chit-chat ended and as I mutely applauded the team taking their bow all I could think about was alcohol, the attractive usher and why my plus one looked like he wanted to strangle me.