Dave Hynes
Following this week’s conclusion to the prolonged Diana inquest, the Royals really haven’t had much luck with drivers lately. One of them was so drunk he helped kill a Princess and the other, in astonishing sobriety, took one of Diana’s neices; Lady Kitty, on a wild goose chase across the country. Somehow in a feat even Travis Bickle could not have manufactured, a taxi driver from Northampton based Mayfair Cabs picked up the Earl of Spencer’s daughter from the prestigious Althorp Estate, with orders to take his esteemed passengers to Chelsea's Stamford Bridge football ground for the big match against Arsenal. Somehow, quite how no one knows but somehow, they embarked upon a 292-mile six-hour pilgrimage to the sleepy village of Stamford Bridge in York. Although the vehicle’s SatNav was used to find directions to Stamford Bridge, neither driver nor passengers noticed the mistake.
At SquareOne we pride ourselves on being a fair jury to the news we hear, so we have put all those involved on trial to find who is the most guilty.So where does the blame lie?
SquareOne Suspect Number One: Lady Kitty
Was Lady Kitty so immersed in texting that she failed to notice the Bradford Junction turn off on the M1? Did she not realise that Chelsea play in London being …..erm…. a London club? Does she even know where London is or what it might look like? Perhaps, say, not slap bang in the middle of the Yorkshire Dales; Eeh ba gum, that Chelsea, best team in Yorkshire I tell thee. To be frank I’d be surprised if any of the Earl’s daughters knew whether Chelsea was in London or even whether York was in Yorkshire, I’d be surprised if they even knew what a taxi was. Why is that black horse on wheels daddy? Another thing, given the SatNav’s complete domination over the common senses of its passengers, weren’t they lucky there was a Stamford Bridge in York? Would they have stopped had they passed north of the border if there was a Stamford Bridge in Scotland. "Aye ye need directions d’ye pal? Chelsea ya say? Ya ken John O Groats? Thone Chelsea boys hiv been beatin a'body in the Heilin League this year, that Didier Drogba’s hoorna gid".
SquareOne Suspect Number Two: The Driver
Considering the likely tip from such a long trip with such esteemed passengers, he’s (I’m presuming it’s a he but a female driver could explain a lot in this debacle) had something of a nightmare journey. Couple this with the lost petrol money, the compensation and the lost business of some rather rich clientele he’s about as likely to be used again as second hand toilet roll. What was he thinking? Did he go to school? What does he attribute as the major cause of the problem, his lack of geography, his lack of football knowledge, his complete trust in the SatNav or his GNVQ in David Beckham studies he just finished this year as a distance learning objective? Perhaps he is just an Arsenal fan who knows that Drogba has hit a fine run of form?
SquareOne Suspect Number Three: The SatNav
Was it human error or was there something sinister going on here? Did it ask the driver which Stamford Bridge he meant or did it presume even a numpty like him couldn’t screw this journey up? Maybe SatNav’s are gonna need extra gadgets to streamline operations; like passenger sensitivity cognition, "if you’ve got a Royal in the back make sure you stop and ask the next person where the hell you are" for example. At SquareOne we’ve been trying to conjure up ways to blame the SatNav but we’re clutching at very thin straws indeed, it was probably the only thing that came out of this with any dignity.
SquareOne Verdict
Innocent: We think the SatNav just about escapes indictment and that the Earl’s daughter could always get off on an insanity plea.
Guilty: The Driver, with a hefty fine, two years driving a Renault Reliant and put in charge of getting Prince Philip around Nairobi in a push chair.
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