STAR WARS EPISODE SEVEN: ATTACK OF THE ALCOHOLICS

SquareOne Opinion

by Dave Hynes

SquareOne daft news instalment I feel your presence.

A "chronic alcoholic" Welshman has attacked two Star Wars fans whilst he was dressed as the dreaded Darth Vader. Yes dressed in bin bags and Vader mask Arwel Wynne Hughes decided to vent his fury on some unsuspecting sci-fi-phile wackos. They weren’t just any Star Wars fans either, but founding fathers of the Jedi Church. Sometimes they write themselves.

Well of course he’s excused from any SquareOne recrimination; we’ve seen and heard much worse in our own office, so let’s celebrate him instead. Get a vivid mental picture of Episode Seven; Attack of the Alcoholics. Inebriated Welshman are a fearsome bunch at the best of times but even more scary when dressed as an evil intergalactic warmonger weilding a crutch and yelling "I’ll get you Skywalker boyo".

Still, this is strange, even for that odd little part of the galaxy. The valleys have been home to some renowned wacko’s before, but this might just take the biscuit; Arwel Wynne Hughes, from Holyhead, can’t even remember the attack and only found out about it after reading the next morning’s paper! Now I’ve had some shocking flashbacks in my time and committed some truly grave faux pas, but this one still has to be beaten. Still, humiliation damns whereas humility sanctifies, and in his defence he was ….. wellied!

As for the church? Well it seems to be a breeding ground for some strange form of nerdish sci-fi terrorism. Regular sermons on the ‘force’, light sabre practicing and meditation techniques being just some of the more unusual practices. What is it about Star Wars which gets people so excited anyway? It hardly ranks with classics like Police Academy 1-9 but there are an outstanding 70,000 Australian subscribers to this same Jedi religion. Madness.

Photo by Pingüim na Janela