MONEY FOR NOTHING

SquareOne Features

by Karen Combe

"Here's £2.00, go and see how much you can make from it". said the ed, "and write me a story, I need it in five minutes!" Is it just me or has everyone around here started to wear Prada, a red soul patch and grown horns?

"I'll show him," I thought as my entrepreneurial competitive edge kicked in. By the time I've finished I could be the only person ever, to have all the members of Dragon's Den begging to join my company.

That was last week. This week I am the sad owner of The Proclaimer's 'This is the Story' LP from 1987. It cost £2.00 from Cancer Research but being a bit of a Scottish anthem fan I thought it could be worth millions. My mind went into fast forward; me an international vintage record dealer sunning myself in St Tropez. But when I checked the LP out on eBay, you guessed it, it was worth a measly £1.98 and it would cost £2.00 to post to any prospective customer.

All was not lost. I remembered a suitcase of singles from the 1980's in the attic belonging to my err, grandmother and just maybe it contained some fantastic rare 45's worth a fortune. What was required now was some extensive research on You Tube and eBay. So six cups of coffee and a pack of 20 Jaffa cakes later I discover, Adam and the Ants' Dog Eat Dog', is worth almost nothing. Hazel O'Connor's 'Will You' according to You Tube commentators is still a great love song but is worth a mere £1.50 and 'Bank Robber' by the Clash from the 1980 Rock Galore UK tour is, say You Tube afficianados still awesomely cool and so is worth a rocking £3.99. But my grandmother just won't part with it. She is still mad about Joe Strummer!

During the course of my research I made the mistake of listening to Care's 'Flaming Sword'. It's a little known fact that once you've heard it it you'll never be able to get "Whoooooooooollllll buy my flaming sword, cold as cold, that old friend of mine," out your head - but not in a good way. No wonder it's only worth £1.20.

But the surprise Cash in the Attic find was a single by Scottish 80's band Leisure Process' 'A Way You'll Never Be' from 1982. Eureka! People on You Tube are begging for a copy. "Has anybody got 'A Way You'll Never Be,'" they cried. "Yes yes me," I said, back on the beach in St. Tropez. So why is this particular single in such demand? According to one YT commentator Leisure Process are the definitive sound of the early 80's. Then I notice something a bit spooky; the single's cover shows a picture of the Twin Towers. It definitely has to be sold, it could bring bad luck.

Sure enough the rarity is worth £7.98 on eBay which represents over 1000% return on gran's original investment of 75p back in 1982. There's only one small problem, strictly speaking | didn't buy the record with the ed's cash. However it will cost me £2.00 to an eBay buyer and as I sweet talked gran into giving it to me for nothing, I've used the acceptable 'Sugar' practice of blagging to generate cash, so I think I'm in the clear. Who knows, by this time next week I could have made so much money from only £2.00 I could be sipping a 'Wimpy' coffee on Portobello beach!