SUBWAY SECT

by Chris Hammond


SquareOne Food

Ah Subway, I thought to myself, this was bound to be an interesting dining environment. I had notions of Film maker Luc Besson's dystopian French masterpiece of the same name swirling round my head as I took the short walk across the road from my flat to the restaurant.

What eclectic wonders would this most famous of establishments hold I wondered? Barely able to conceal my excitement I crossed the threshold only to have my entrance blocked by a phalanx of flab. Four fetid fatties were rooted to the door area, chunks of meatball and bread spilling forth from the gaping hole which seemed to have replaced their mouths. Nimbly, breath held, I squeezed past into the bowels of the eatery.

Half overcome by my near gymnastic entrance, half overcome by the fact my coat had collected a fistful of what I could only presume to be dog hair on the brush past, I was in sore need of a seat and a stiff drink. Much like McDonald's, Subway have done away with any traditional sense of the restaurant experience. No table service, no attractive staff, no alcohol, no dubious sort attending the washroom and most oddly no booking required. The latter of which was to prove more than annoying.

On receiving my meal of a spicy chicken sandwich and diet coke, I attempted to find a spot to rest my weary legs. With the doorway and window area about as accessible as an eggcup being lain on by a Blue Whale, I was forced to sit alongside three unruly truants. Here amongst the barrage of cigarette requests, I glumly surveyed my surroundings. Décor of a better than average public toilet, staff dressed like baseball players with aprons on and the scream of nicotine hungry delinquents put me clean off my food. Leaving the remnants to the savages masquerading as children I rode the gauntlet of gluttons guarding the exit and made my dash for freedom, fresh air and a very long shower.


SquareOne's Top Five Sandwiches

1. Cheese
2. Cheese and pickle
3. Cheese and tomato
4. Cheese and onion
5. Cheese salad