FASHION SKELETOR

SQUAREONE

WORLD EXCLUSIVE

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Fashion

Back in the 1980s, Eternia-based professional evil-doer Skeletor spent his time indulging in world domination plots and dastardly schemes. Generally, these ventures were foiled by Skeletor's arch enemy He-Man and his motley team of worthy, muscle-bound companions.

Defeat followed defeat, and after falling on hard times Skeletor was forced to find gainful employment as a fashion critic in the tough world of haute couture. Speaking from his office lair in Eternia, Skeletor explains more: “Back in the day I was the leader of the most cutting edge crew of malevolent dressers the universe has seen. Evil Lyn, for instance had an innovative head dress that compensated for her lack of realistic hair. Since the battle to master the universe has wound down a bit I have invaded the gloriously cruel, stylish and colourful world of fashion photography.”

Describing himself as a fashion icon, Skeletor believes his dress sense is on a par with any of the world’s top models: “My mastery of the medium of plastic, my nu-rave make up, my nu-grave gothic good looks, and my medieval and sci-fi detailing have combined to make the most influential fashion overlord ever. I'm not as skilled with being feminine but as long as 80s chic and hints of sexual perversion exist I shall wield great power.”

His years as an over-worked and underpaid lord of evil left Skeletor tired and world weary. Struggling to find purpose or direction he would spend his weekends reading the broadsheets hoping to find focus in an article or job advert.
It was here that Fashion Skeletor came into being: “News, culture, society....these are the trivial details that should be confined to a single flimsy supplement, whilst all other sections of the Sunday paper should be filled with glorious images of muscular skull faced style masters, statuesque androgynous models and exciting fashion imagery.”

It didn’t take long for Skeletor’s impressive bone structure and forceful nature to come to the attention of modelling agencies and style supplements, although the style successes of his Eternian acquaintances have been mixed: “I'm my own favourite model. Beast Man's 'look' occasionally becomes very fashionable, but I would not describe him as 'dressed'. Buzz-Off still looks awesome. Curse him!”

Not content with working in front of and behind the camera, Fashion Skeletor has moved into interior design. His own home is a brilliant example of delicate taste and flair: “I have Snake Mountain looking exquisite, even though a lot of the furniture and some of the doors are in fact stickers. The place is a swinging bachelor pad fit for a powerful style-master to entertain the greatest models, designers, artists and warriors. The gate is broke though, so you have to climb in through the bathroom window. But beware, Beast Man is frequently asleep in the bath.”

Wih the interview almost at a close, there is one question that cannot be avoided. Does Fashion Skeletor have any tips for aspiring young dictators and malevolent overlords? “Dressing all in black is a frequent, yet crucial error. Wear neon colours so as to blind feeble do-gooders into submission”.

Check out Fashion Skeletor’s gallery at www.sozboz.com/skeletor.htm

SquareOne Fashion Editor Caitlin Rattray gives her verdict on the couture sensation that is Fashion Skeletor

Behold Fashion Skeletor, the plastic fantastic superhero fashion icon. Skeletor's get-up can best be described as nu-rave meets superhero chic; clashing blasts of juicy neon clothing and make up with a serving of black, maybe PVC, probably hot pants on the side.

But while you admire his unique way with fashion, don't fail to overlook the dazzling model good looks of this pint sized idol. Skeletor has rock hard pecs and a washboard stomach most likely owing to his days fighting He-Man and friends. His chiselled bone structure rivals that of any waif-like catwalk model and pictured above he makes Kate Moss look like Matt Lucas on a bad day. Skeletor's influence on the coming season is undeniable; look out for a fully fledged eighties revival. Think Darth Vader in drag...in a good way.

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: LOWGOLD

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

Lowgold – Promise Lands (Cooking Vinyl)

Ah, the UK indie scene! There’s the monolithic mediocrity of Coldplay, the unbelievably past-it Oasis, the literally vile Razorlight and the walking get-out-of-jail-free card known as Peter Doherty. But wait, it seems that the perennially overlooked Lowgold could be set to mount a takeover.

Excited yet? Well you would be if you heard Promise Lands stand-out track Just Like A Sin because its gobsmackingly tasty. Principally, this is because Lowgold sound nothing like their yawnsome, skinny jeaned, anti-war, fruit-loving indie peers and elders.

Mixing forlorn anthems with low-fi slow burners might not be a musical eureka moment, but the band do it so well you’ll be hard pushed not to utilise the repeat button on your CD players remote for the best part of a week. Promise Land comes highly recommended.

PLANE NUISANCE

by Pere Fornes

SquareOne News

Lothian residents may be disturbed by aircraft noises at night for at least eight months as repairs are carried out to the main runway at Edinburgh airport.

BAA will begin resurfacing work on Sunday March 30th meaning that night-time flights will be forced to land on the alternate runway from Sunday to Thursday, and during the weekend on certain occasions.

This could cause problems to residents from the south and south-west of Edinburgh as well as in parts of Midlothian, West Lothian and in areas as far away as Bo'ness.

The work is scheduled to take place between the hours of 11pm and 5.45 am and although commercial flights do not operate at this time, cargo and mail flights do. The main runway
will still be used during the day.

BAA warn that the new flight routes may disturb light sleepers and people with sleeping problems.

For concerned residents, a freephone noise line has been set up on 0800 731 3397.

For more information see: Edinburgh Airport

A NIGHTMARE IN THE SUN

by Pere Fornes


SquareOne News


“Every morning an idiot gets up. He doesn’t know that his land is going to be grabbed.”


These are the words of the main accused in Spain’s most notorious corruption trial. Linked to the Urban Development Activity Act or so-called "land-grab" law, the problem is affecting hundreds of Scottish owners, and many others.


The act, enforced in the autonomous region of Valencia, allows authorities to take land from homeowners if a rural area is designated as being necessary for a building project. They can also charge owners to pay for the supposed benefit to the area that development brings. If the owners refuse, more land can be taken without recourse as there is no appeals process.


The law was originally designed to thwart speculators cashing in on cheap land prices by purchasing unwanted scrub-land and selling it for vast profits when the land was needed for public buildings. But now, the measures are being abused by developers who, in league with corrupt politicians routinely declare land surrounding holiday villas as being required for development.


Glenn and Jean Marshall, originally from Glasgow, live in a housing development called El Pinar in Alcossebre, on the east coast of Spain: “We bought this house at the end of August in 2003. We are retired and we decided to stay here all year” explains Glenn.


Soon after they arrived CIVISA, a Valencian construction company that owns some plots in the same area organised a meeting: “We became aware of what CIVISA calls a “re-urbanisation”. They were planning to build 800 apartments and we were supposed to pay for the cost of the redevelopment” said Glenn.


Glenn explained that CIVISA divided El Pinar into distinct development areas and although their plot was not in the undeveloped section, they were expected to contribute to the building project. He said: “Eight hundred apartments were going to be built. We were supposed to pay for that. They warned us that those who could not afford to pay would be expropriated.” For the moment, CIVISA´s project is on-hold, but Glenn Marshall believes their problems are not over: “I know that I’ll have to fight because CIVISA has invested a lot of money here.”


The Marshall’s case is only one of the thousands happening in Spain. The neighbours’ association to which they belong joined AUN, a group of small associations fighting against this problem. In 2003 AUN made a formal complaint to the European Parliament which resulted in three fact-finding missions and a series of recommendations to the Spanish government that they must change the law. This resulted in new measures being introduced that have not helped. In fact, the problem seems to be spreading with land-grab problems reported in other parts of Spain.


Labour MEP Michael Cashman, who has been deeply involved in trying to solve the problem, said: “The increase in petitions we are receiving from other parts of Spain - Madrid, Murcia, Andalucía, suggests that other regions are falling into the same traps encountered in Valencia."


Last year, the European Commission referred Spain to the European Court of Justice. That body is yet to act but it seems that if appropriate legal modifications are not made, a legal penalty will be enforced.


Find out more about the problem here: thisismoney.co.uk

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE MARKSMAN

In the first of a regular feature, we challenge our Dave to go undercover and soak up the ambiance of the worst pubs in Edinburgh. Tune in before he gets killed. This week: The Marksman.



by David Hynes

SquareOne Booze


On your marks....get set.....DO NOT GO! What aim the owners of this Leith-based pub had in mind when they opened the doors last year remains unclear. It certainly doesn’t try to compete with the fashionable bars in the city centre. The target audience seems to be real men (or women who look like real men). By far the least salubrious bar I have ever visited in Edinburgh, the Marksman is a no-nonsense drinking den for those who come to drink. Or fight. Or most likely both.

The entrance was almost completely hidden behind half a dozen chain-smoking octogenarians who guarded it earnestly. The walls seemed to echo with the arguments that the pub has surely witnessed over the last 15 months. The bar (if indeed you could call it a bar), is grossly inadequate and the pub, taken a as a whole is also absolute s___e.

The locals seemed friendly enough, but I didn’t advertise my Englishness for fear of angering the men or even worse; attracting any of the "hens" in need of a cosmopolitan lover.

I did talk to some of the regulars though and if the words of the builder I spoke with are to be believed it seems the regulars in The Marksman can deliver a birthday bonanza. Tired of the usual arduous process of shopping around for decent gifts? I have it on good authority that all of your presents can be delivered to your home, on time and for a fraction of the usual cost.

Despite its flaws, I can’t but recommend the Marksman. In a city full of trendy wine-bars and soulless tourist traps, it is a genuine watering hole and represents a dying breed of pubs. True, it’s tough, true the smoking ban might not be enforced stringently during the periodic lock-ins but at least it is honest.

Let's face it, every city needs its s__t-holes, and in this regard The Marksman absolutely hits the bullseye.

Visit The Marksman at 13 Duke Street, Leith. But if you don't fancy that, try these:

SquareOne's top five Edinburgh pubs

1. The Oxford, Young Street
2. The Canny Man's, Morningside Road
3. Boda, Leith Walk
4. The Blue Blazer, Spittal Street
5. Victoria's, Leith Walk

SUBWAY SECT

by Chris Hammond


SquareOne Food

Ah Subway, I thought to myself, this was bound to be an interesting dining environment. I had notions of Film maker Luc Besson's dystopian French masterpiece of the same name swirling round my head as I took the short walk across the road from my flat to the restaurant.

What eclectic wonders would this most famous of establishments hold I wondered? Barely able to conceal my excitement I crossed the threshold only to have my entrance blocked by a phalanx of flab. Four fetid fatties were rooted to the door area, chunks of meatball and bread spilling forth from the gaping hole which seemed to have replaced their mouths. Nimbly, breath held, I squeezed past into the bowels of the eatery.

Half overcome by my near gymnastic entrance, half overcome by the fact my coat had collected a fistful of what I could only presume to be dog hair on the brush past, I was in sore need of a seat and a stiff drink. Much like McDonald's, Subway have done away with any traditional sense of the restaurant experience. No table service, no attractive staff, no alcohol, no dubious sort attending the washroom and most oddly no booking required. The latter of which was to prove more than annoying.

On receiving my meal of a spicy chicken sandwich and diet coke, I attempted to find a spot to rest my weary legs. With the doorway and window area about as accessible as an eggcup being lain on by a Blue Whale, I was forced to sit alongside three unruly truants. Here amongst the barrage of cigarette requests, I glumly surveyed my surroundings. Décor of a better than average public toilet, staff dressed like baseball players with aprons on and the scream of nicotine hungry delinquents put me clean off my food. Leaving the remnants to the savages masquerading as children I rode the gauntlet of gluttons guarding the exit and made my dash for freedom, fresh air and a very long shower.


SquareOne's Top Five Sandwiches

1. Cheese
2. Cheese and pickle
3. Cheese and tomato
4. Cheese and onion
5. Cheese salad
   

REVIEW: THE UNCONQUERED

by Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment

The Unconquered

Stellar Quines Theatre Company

Clambering past fellow audience members and nearly falling into your neighbour's pint may not seem like the most comfortable theatre-going experience, but The Cave's cramped conditions suit the social claustrophobia of The Unconquered perfectly.

Trapped in the confines of bourgeois suburbia an unnamed girl spouts diatribes of rage at the mother who has stifled and smothered her in the name of a "good" upbringing. Yet far from being another commentary on teenage angst, Torben Betts' play plunges Britain into revolution, throws the Prime Minister into prison and puts anarchic junkies in charge of the mob. Social upheaval is watched with trepidation through the sitting room window by one middle-class family afraid to leave the security of their "nice" things.

Mutiny also seems probable within the family as a girl incites her mother to join the revolution and leave a data entering husband she describes as 'that dullard who shares my bed'. However, too afraid to throw off her duties, the monthly salary and casseroles flavoured with fresh dill, mother stands her ground, attempting to ignore the flaws in the family's "well-oiled machine."

As their plight worsens under a US air raid and hunger that leaves them contemplating eating next door's cat, salvation appears in the shape of an uncouth soldier sent to restore the peace. Steeped in middle-class sensibilities the couple initially object more to his foul language than his unsavoury attention to their daughter. Yet eventually, they abandon all scruples for a string of sausages.

Though comedy is never more than a quip away, the marionette-like performances and stark, monochrome set effectively expose the false and arbitrary nature of the "things" we build our lives on. The play's ever-present calls for change and warnings to avoid your parents' mistakes leaves the audience yearning to join in, "build a bonfire and burn the boybands."

The Unconquered, touring until 31st March

www.stellarquines.com