WOMBAT GETS NAUGHTY WITH DRONGO'S FRECKLE?!

Kate Smail

SquareOne News

Last week a New Zealand man was charged with wasting police time after he called emergency services, claiming he had been raped by a wombat. Not surprisingly, the operator was not convinced. Everyone knows you don't get wombats in New Zealand.

The man claimed he was unharmed after the incident, except for "now only being able to talk Australian." A deeply distressing affliction for any self-respecting Kiwi. He received 75 hours of community service after the defence lawyer explained that alcohol played a major part in the man's life.

This is not the first time animals have found themselves under the scrutiny of the courts; Square One brings you our favourite examples from the twisted world of animal justice.

In the United States last year, a convicted paedophile claimed his actions were the result of a deeply traumatic childhood experience, and was therefore not responsible for the crime committed. Gene Morrill told the court in Virgina that he was raped by Bigfoot as a teenager, and had suffered flashbacks ever since. The judge remained unconvinced and sentenced Morrill to twenty years.

A Florida man got more than he bargained for when he decided to shoot his unwanted puppies. Having shot and killed three of his four targets, Jerry Bradford picked up the remaining pup, which then jumped on the trigger, shooting Bradford in the wrist. Bradford survived and was promptly charged with animal cruelty. Puppy power indeed.

A woman sued her best friend after she slipped in his pet dog's urine in his kitchen and twisted her ankle. Her reasoning? If he was really her friend, he would have cleaned it up when he knew she was coming over. Unbelievably, the pair are no longer friends.

The parents of a man found naked and dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World, Orlando, have dropped a lawsuit alleging Sea World caused his death by portraying the dangerous orca as safe and cuddly. It transpired the man was under the influence of alcohol, had broken into Sea World at night, and voluntarily jumped into the tank to play with the whale.

Two animal handlers who say they were fired for refusing to expose their breasts to a 300-pound gorilla have settled their lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation charity. Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller claimed that Gorilla Foundation president Francine Patterson pressured them to indulge Koko the gorilla's 'nipple fetish,' as a way of bonding with the 33-year-old female. The charity denies the claims.

FASHION SKELETOR

SQUAREONE

WORLD EXCLUSIVE

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Fashion

Back in the 1980s, Eternia-based professional evil-doer Skeletor spent his time indulging in world domination plots and dastardly schemes. Generally, these ventures were foiled by Skeletor's arch enemy He-Man and his motley team of worthy, muscle-bound companions.

Defeat followed defeat, and after falling on hard times Skeletor was forced to find gainful employment as a fashion critic in the tough world of haute couture. Speaking from his office lair in Eternia, Skeletor explains more: “Back in the day I was the leader of the most cutting edge crew of malevolent dressers the universe has seen. Evil Lyn, for instance had an innovative head dress that compensated for her lack of realistic hair. Since the battle to master the universe has wound down a bit I have invaded the gloriously cruel, stylish and colourful world of fashion photography.”

Describing himself as a fashion icon, Skeletor believes his dress sense is on a par with any of the world’s top models: “My mastery of the medium of plastic, my nu-rave make up, my nu-grave gothic good looks, and my medieval and sci-fi detailing have combined to make the most influential fashion overlord ever. I'm not as skilled with being feminine but as long as 80s chic and hints of sexual perversion exist I shall wield great power.”

His years as an over-worked and underpaid lord of evil left Skeletor tired and world weary. Struggling to find purpose or direction he would spend his weekends reading the broadsheets hoping to find focus in an article or job advert.
It was here that Fashion Skeletor came into being: “News, culture, society....these are the trivial details that should be confined to a single flimsy supplement, whilst all other sections of the Sunday paper should be filled with glorious images of muscular skull faced style masters, statuesque androgynous models and exciting fashion imagery.”

It didn’t take long for Skeletor’s impressive bone structure and forceful nature to come to the attention of modelling agencies and style supplements, although the style successes of his Eternian acquaintances have been mixed: “I'm my own favourite model. Beast Man's 'look' occasionally becomes very fashionable, but I would not describe him as 'dressed'. Buzz-Off still looks awesome. Curse him!”

Not content with working in front of and behind the camera, Fashion Skeletor has moved into interior design. His own home is a brilliant example of delicate taste and flair: “I have Snake Mountain looking exquisite, even though a lot of the furniture and some of the doors are in fact stickers. The place is a swinging bachelor pad fit for a powerful style-master to entertain the greatest models, designers, artists and warriors. The gate is broke though, so you have to climb in through the bathroom window. But beware, Beast Man is frequently asleep in the bath.”

Wih the interview almost at a close, there is one question that cannot be avoided. Does Fashion Skeletor have any tips for aspiring young dictators and malevolent overlords? “Dressing all in black is a frequent, yet crucial error. Wear neon colours so as to blind feeble do-gooders into submission”.

Check out Fashion Skeletor’s gallery at www.sozboz.com/skeletor.htm

SquareOne Fashion Editor Caitlin Rattray gives her verdict on the couture sensation that is Fashion Skeletor

Behold Fashion Skeletor, the plastic fantastic superhero fashion icon. Skeletor's get-up can best be described as nu-rave meets superhero chic; clashing blasts of juicy neon clothing and make up with a serving of black, maybe PVC, probably hot pants on the side.

But while you admire his unique way with fashion, don't fail to overlook the dazzling model good looks of this pint sized idol. Skeletor has rock hard pecs and a washboard stomach most likely owing to his days fighting He-Man and friends. His chiselled bone structure rivals that of any waif-like catwalk model and pictured above he makes Kate Moss look like Matt Lucas on a bad day. Skeletor's influence on the coming season is undeniable; look out for a fully fledged eighties revival. Think Darth Vader in drag...in a good way.