MARCHMONT BROTHEL REVEALED

SquareOne News

by Katie Smyth

Residents of Edinburgh's Southside have reacted with mixed feeling to the confirmation that a local sauna is a front for brothel.

The New Gentle Touch of Argyle Place, Marchmont poses as a massage parlour but its main trade is in prostitution. "We have the sauna and of course we do sex, £50 for a half hour, £70 for an hour," the proprietor, who wished to remain anonymous, told SquareOne.

Her statement ends years of conjecture which have surrounded The New Gentle Touch since it’s arrival in middle-class Marchmont. Eileen Dickson, spokeswoman for the Marchmont St Giles branch of the Church of Scotland Ladies' Guild said: "When it opened there was great trepidation. Everyone knew it was a brothel." However another Guild member who lives on Warrender Park Terrace, was shocked to discover this establishment exists in the neighbourhood.

Their concern coincides with that of Lothian and Borders Police who launched a new team in September 2005 to tackle exploitation and prostitution. In a press release at the time, Assistant Chief Constable Tom Halpin said, "We will be looking at people who are being lured over to this country on false pretences … Prostitution … is an area that we will be particularly focussing on."

David Anderson, barman at the Argyle pub, accepts the presence of a brothel in Argyle Place: "When it first came there was a lot of nose-turning, but now it is just one of those things. The most concerning thing is having Sick Kids and Sciennes Primary school down the road. The mothers are passing it with their kids all the time."However, he claimed The Gentle Touch does bother the people who live in the houses opposite it and one woman left the area after her public protest proved futile.

Despite certain practices surrounding prostitution's continued illegality in Britain other traders in Argyle Place were unconcerned by the confirmation of The Gentle Touch's status. Florist Monica Higgins said, "I don't have a problem with it. It's very discreet. I'm sure if there was a real problem the local bobbies would be on to it because we're a very close-knit community."

A year on from the Ipswich murders the general consensus in Marchmont is that it is safer if prostitutes operate from brothels. David Anderson said, "it takes it off the streets so it's not downgrading the area. Once you get prostitutes on the streets you then get drug-dealers. This way is better because it's regulated."

WOMBAT GETS NAUGHTY WITH DRONGO'S FRECKLE?!

Kate Smail

SquareOne News

Last week a New Zealand man was charged with wasting police time after he called emergency services, claiming he had been raped by a wombat. Not surprisingly, the operator was not convinced. Everyone knows you don't get wombats in New Zealand.

The man claimed he was unharmed after the incident, except for "now only being able to talk Australian." A deeply distressing affliction for any self-respecting Kiwi. He received 75 hours of community service after the defence lawyer explained that alcohol played a major part in the man's life.

This is not the first time animals have found themselves under the scrutiny of the courts; Square One brings you our favourite examples from the twisted world of animal justice.

In the United States last year, a convicted paedophile claimed his actions were the result of a deeply traumatic childhood experience, and was therefore not responsible for the crime committed. Gene Morrill told the court in Virgina that he was raped by Bigfoot as a teenager, and had suffered flashbacks ever since. The judge remained unconvinced and sentenced Morrill to twenty years.

A Florida man got more than he bargained for when he decided to shoot his unwanted puppies. Having shot and killed three of his four targets, Jerry Bradford picked up the remaining pup, which then jumped on the trigger, shooting Bradford in the wrist. Bradford survived and was promptly charged with animal cruelty. Puppy power indeed.

A woman sued her best friend after she slipped in his pet dog's urine in his kitchen and twisted her ankle. Her reasoning? If he was really her friend, he would have cleaned it up when he knew she was coming over. Unbelievably, the pair are no longer friends.

The parents of a man found naked and dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World, Orlando, have dropped a lawsuit alleging Sea World caused his death by portraying the dangerous orca as safe and cuddly. It transpired the man was under the influence of alcohol, had broken into Sea World at night, and voluntarily jumped into the tank to play with the whale.

Two animal handlers who say they were fired for refusing to expose their breasts to a 300-pound gorilla have settled their lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation charity. Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller claimed that Gorilla Foundation president Francine Patterson pressured them to indulge Koko the gorilla's 'nipple fetish,' as a way of bonding with the 33-year-old female. The charity denies the claims.