BOOZY BRIT SEEKS BELGIAN BLONDE

SquareOne Booze

by Chris Hammond











Come May and June, even with the typically random nature of British weather, you can guarantee at least one or two days of reasonable sunshine. And with sunshine comes a stampede for barbecue friendly foods and icy cold beer. That’s what summer is all about, isn’t it?


As jet setting holiday goers are becoming increasingly adventurous, sales figures are suggesting that the days of warm English bitter of a balmy sun soaked eve are long gone. These days boozy Brits are hitting the stronger continental head splitters with aplomb. Recent reports indicate that after 40 years of lager being the undisputed tipple of choice, sales of Belgian specialty beers have risen by 30% in the past year, six times the rate of traditional bestsellers, including lagers and real ales.


One of the new favourites for those of us partial to a wee tipple is a blonde Belgian beast called Leffe, a strong straw coloured number with a not too shabby 6.6% ABV. For the British drinker who is used to a more neutered volume, beers like Leffe inevitably represent a faster path towards destination inebriation.


However tempting a few cold beers on those scant sunny days may be, health groups are warning sun worshippers they are at serious risk from dehydration if they ditch the H20 in favour of some hop laden, high volume, headache in a glass. If you aren’t painting the streets with sick due to over consumption, it could be down to dehydration. Signs of dehydration include light-headedness and dizzy spells, so are often masked, as the same symptoms are synonymous with feeling drunk.


So enjoy the finest imports from our EU buddies, indulge in a bit of sun worshipping, but be careful not to take things too far. Drink plenty of water, stay in the shade and watch what you imbibe, there can be too much of a good thing. Drunkenness and dehydration won’t just make you unwell, the worst case scenario will see you bed bound whilst your friends enjoy the last few days of cloud free skies till May 2009.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE POND

Despite risking being thrown out of Leith for being a traitor, the man we call Dave (principally because that's his name), continues to drink in unfashionable pubs, so you don't have to. This week, a hidden gem bucks the trend.

by David Hynes

SquareOne Booze

My tour of Leith pubs continues with a dip in the Pond, and I have to say that I found myself submerged in quite an agreeable little boozer. Its splendid isolation at the end of Salamander Street seems to have protected the Pond from the tsunami of cack upstream on Leith walk.

The selection of beers is fairly outstanding considering where it is and what other pubs near it serve. The Pond truly has everything you could want; German, Czech, Chinese beers, the lot and all at good prices. I got a decent amount of change from a fiver for two Krusovice on tap.

Sometimes you have to regress to progress. Surprisingly it ain’t up Leith walk that you find a pearl in the ocean because all the clever little fishes are biting the bait down at the Pond. If your looking for a quality pub at the foot of the walk please don’t go to the actual pub Foot of the Walk, swim downstream and cast your attention to this little gem. The only problem is its isolation downstream from Leith Walk. Still geography isn’t everything and considering its surroundings it’s something of an Atlantis for Leith.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE CENTRAL BAR

The story so far: We send Dave out and about in Leith to soak up the atmosphere in the less fashionable night-spots in the city. So far he's been offered knock-off goods in the Marksman and made friends with the locals in the Foot of The Walk. This week, barely staggering distance from his last port of call, Dave has a tipple in the Central Bar on Leith Walk.

by David Hynes

SquareOne Pubs

My goodness this is Leith at its grimmest, not quite enough to shake the Marksman from its top ranking in the pantheon of pub poorness (even at this early stage it looks like the clear front-runner to get the coveted ‘worst pub in Leith’ award) but shockingly bad all the same.

Going to terrible pubs is personality building, and because of this terrible pubs can become national institutions. Like boozy initiation tests for the truly British. But alas, the Central is not so much an initiation test as a test of will, mainly because the place is so sense-numbingly dull.

The décor looks like a drab Scottish nightmare but not nearly as interesting. Have you ever been near suicidal and wondered why you keep wasting your money at the bar? If you have and you liked that feeling then get on down to the Central, the very epicentre of the end of the world.

There were positives - the barman was undoubtedly cheery and he seemed to take no little pride in his abode. They have a widescreen TV too, but I think this is a sympathetic gesture to divert concentration away from the mucus-coloured and probably mucus-stained walls.

But the positives were few and far between and any lingering sympathy I may have had were wiped away when I was served, without doubt, the worst pint of Guinness in Edinburgh.

Know a terrible boozer? - challenge Dave to drink in it by e-mailing squareonenews@gmail.com

SMOKING SOLUTIONS

by Karen Combe

SquareOne Features

Today is the second anniversary of the smoking ban in Scotland and by now, the sight of what could be the cast of Still Game sitting outside even the most dubious of pubs on shiny aluminium chairs shouldn’t throw you out of kilter for the whole day. Temporary outdoor tables and chairs which give Scotland a continental look are a simple smoking solution, but a new market has emerged, offering increasingly sophisticated solutions to the needs of "smoking huddlers".

The smoking ban legislation requires all "enclosed" and "semi-enclosed" public spaces to be smoke free. Premises must avoid "substantially enclosed" smoking shelters and outside areas are only deemed smoke free if they have no roof or there are permanent openings in the walls.

Products are now on sale that address every aspect of the law in detail. "Patiolas" and "Terasols" may sound like the names of prehistoric creatures but are in fact semi-permanent outdoor shelters. Leeds based company Inn-Fresco describes them as wind resistant to class 3-Beaufort 6 (49km/hr) handy for hardier smokers.

Online, the aptly named smokingsolutions.com can supply environmentally friendly gas heaters and "Fast –Bar" parasols. But as the grudgingly accepted (among some in the licensing trade) smoking ban is no longer fledgling legislation, smoking solutions are becoming part of the fabric of buildings and not just an afterthought.

Dunbar based Belhaven Breweries owns over 100 pubs throughout Scotland and smoking solutions are individually tailored to suit each of their establishments. The brewery’s refurbished Twa Tams pub in Perth has a specially designed smoking area called The Outside-Inn where customers can watch live Setanta football, smoke and drink while being kept warm by outdoor heaters.

In Edinburgh, The Montpelier Group’s up-market flagship hotel Tiger Lily in George Street, offers discerning smokers a sumptuous smoking solution. There they don’t have to go outside for a puff; they are provided with a specially designed internal space within the grand Georgian interior which has the same high spec as the rest of the establishment. The room is walled on three sides with one glazed wall looking into the bar area, but look upwards and you can see the sky as the roof has been omitted to comply with planning laws. A second smoking area outside the hotel’s nightclub Lulu is a more conventional outdoor area discreetly tucked away at basement level.

Adam Gray, business consultant for the group, says: “The smoking solutions at Tiger Lily cost a five figure sum, but a lot of thought went in to the planning of the space with close consultation with council planners. The results are certainly well worth the cost involved.”

Independent landlady Betty Grieve owns the Melville Lounge Bar in Edinburgh. She says that any smoking solution she could employ was limited because the bar is part of a listed building. As a result she utilised a raised flat area within the property's boundary for tables and chairs without breaking any laws or causing obstruction. The pub is popular with rugby fans who stop in for a pint or two on their way home from Murrayfield and Betty says: “I have to stop them from taking their drinks past the boundary of the bar premises to stay within the law."

Betty sources products for smoking solutions from trade reps. A new product for smokers inside the bar is snuff and she is interested to see how it sells: “I used to sell cigars but I am not ordering them in anymore, I am down to the last few. I got a few fancy outdoor ashtrays but to be honest they were rubbish so I got rid of them.”

Following the ban, non-smokers may be tempted to join the smoking huddle outside the pub to get some fresh air. Betty says she has become aware of “deadly pongs” on a busy night and admits that she hadn’t realised that cigarette smoke, being a good deodorant, masks flatulence, sweat and beer-breath very well. No doubt a gap in the smoking solutions market now exists for a pub air freshener or maybe the continental aroma of strong coffee would do the trick.

SquareOne wants your nominations for the most novel smoking solution you have encountered. E-mail us at squareonenews@gmail.com.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE MARKSMAN

In the first of a regular feature, we challenge our Dave to go undercover and soak up the ambiance of the worst pubs in Edinburgh. Tune in before he gets killed. This week: The Marksman.



by David Hynes

SquareOne Booze


On your marks....get set.....DO NOT GO! What aim the owners of this Leith-based pub had in mind when they opened the doors last year remains unclear. It certainly doesn’t try to compete with the fashionable bars in the city centre. The target audience seems to be real men (or women who look like real men). By far the least salubrious bar I have ever visited in Edinburgh, the Marksman is a no-nonsense drinking den for those who come to drink. Or fight. Or most likely both.

The entrance was almost completely hidden behind half a dozen chain-smoking octogenarians who guarded it earnestly. The walls seemed to echo with the arguments that the pub has surely witnessed over the last 15 months. The bar (if indeed you could call it a bar), is grossly inadequate and the pub, taken a as a whole is also absolute s___e.

The locals seemed friendly enough, but I didn’t advertise my Englishness for fear of angering the men or even worse; attracting any of the "hens" in need of a cosmopolitan lover.

I did talk to some of the regulars though and if the words of the builder I spoke with are to be believed it seems the regulars in The Marksman can deliver a birthday bonanza. Tired of the usual arduous process of shopping around for decent gifts? I have it on good authority that all of your presents can be delivered to your home, on time and for a fraction of the usual cost.

Despite its flaws, I can’t but recommend the Marksman. In a city full of trendy wine-bars and soulless tourist traps, it is a genuine watering hole and represents a dying breed of pubs. True, it’s tough, true the smoking ban might not be enforced stringently during the periodic lock-ins but at least it is honest.

Let's face it, every city needs its s__t-holes, and in this regard The Marksman absolutely hits the bullseye.

Visit The Marksman at 13 Duke Street, Leith. But if you don't fancy that, try these:

SquareOne's top five Edinburgh pubs

1. The Oxford, Young Street
2. The Canny Man's, Morningside Road
3. Boda, Leith Walk
4. The Blue Blazer, Spittal Street
5. Victoria's, Leith Walk