BOOZY BRIT SEEKS BELGIAN BLONDE

SquareOne Booze

by Chris Hammond











Come May and June, even with the typically random nature of British weather, you can guarantee at least one or two days of reasonable sunshine. And with sunshine comes a stampede for barbecue friendly foods and icy cold beer. That’s what summer is all about, isn’t it?


As jet setting holiday goers are becoming increasingly adventurous, sales figures are suggesting that the days of warm English bitter of a balmy sun soaked eve are long gone. These days boozy Brits are hitting the stronger continental head splitters with aplomb. Recent reports indicate that after 40 years of lager being the undisputed tipple of choice, sales of Belgian specialty beers have risen by 30% in the past year, six times the rate of traditional bestsellers, including lagers and real ales.


One of the new favourites for those of us partial to a wee tipple is a blonde Belgian beast called Leffe, a strong straw coloured number with a not too shabby 6.6% ABV. For the British drinker who is used to a more neutered volume, beers like Leffe inevitably represent a faster path towards destination inebriation.


However tempting a few cold beers on those scant sunny days may be, health groups are warning sun worshippers they are at serious risk from dehydration if they ditch the H20 in favour of some hop laden, high volume, headache in a glass. If you aren’t painting the streets with sick due to over consumption, it could be down to dehydration. Signs of dehydration include light-headedness and dizzy spells, so are often masked, as the same symptoms are synonymous with feeling drunk.


So enjoy the finest imports from our EU buddies, indulge in a bit of sun worshipping, but be careful not to take things too far. Drink plenty of water, stay in the shade and watch what you imbibe, there can be too much of a good thing. Drunkenness and dehydration won’t just make you unwell, the worst case scenario will see you bed bound whilst your friends enjoy the last few days of cloud free skies till May 2009.

MEAT MONARCH?

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Gaudy, miserable and architecturally grotesque the initial aesthetics of Burger King leave a lot to be desired - and this is just the outside. Inside it’s busy, fully booked if you will and there’s a queue for service stretching right back to the door. And it’s whilst waiting that it grimly dawns on you that everyone round about has a very visible problem. Obese, scruffy, delinquent, psychotic even; it’s the advert for the human race mankind’s marketing department pulled. Someone has also trundled in an impressive amount of dog pooh. It snakes along the floor like a disgusting snail trail, whilst gormless minions of the corporate culinary colossus look at it with expressions of bemusement.


As the queue slowly dissipates and ordering is but moments away gag reflexes are tested further when you move uncomfortably close to the bald acne riddled cranium of the customer straight in front of you. Though horrified, curiosity takes over and shuffling closer to him you listen in as he orders: “Can I have a double whopper, no lettuce, no sauce, no nothing”. One can only assume he would later dispose of the buns and lather his visage in the grease of the congealing monstrosity handed over to him in an effort to cultivate his not unimpressive collection of swelling pussy plukes.


Whist the act of ordering might be traumatic, the eating process could bring a grown man to tears. The dining area looks like an open plan airport canteen. Huddled bodies sit in silence picking over their meals whilst a rather proper looking older lady prowls the ghastly linoleum floor with a clip board and hint of menace. The food is lukewarm, almost certainly cooked an hour ago and visibly as stimulating as Vanessa Feltz in a thong. It does contain meat however and it appears to have been flame grilled as advertised – but what type of meat? Racoon? Worse still is the cheese, lathered on like some sort of florescent paint it clings to the burger in a cloying sickly embrace.


Trying to wash away the stagnant taste with your drink is pointless, because the cup you receive at the counter is no more than a container for ice cubes. As you watch the flaccid asbo-collecting clientèle gorge on the plastic masquerading as food misanthropy descends. If hell were a restaurant it wouldn’t look too dissimilar to this; though something tells me anything flame grilled there would be a damn site more appetising.

CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH?

SquareOne News

by Pere Fornes

The new Public Health Scotland bill which will update health laws dating back to 1889 passed stage one of its ratification yesterday at Holyrood.

Health professionals have been working under rules that date back to the Public Health Act 1897 and the Infectious Diseases Notification Act 1889. The new bill is geared towards dealing with threats which have emerged in recent years.

The bill outlines the duties of health professionals to notify authorities when they suspect that a patient has a contagious disease. Infections cause a quarter of all illnesses in the world and they account for 10% of deaths in the UK. Old threats such as tuberculosis, that were thought to be eradicated, are re-emerging whilst there is a threat of infectious diseases and contamination being spread through terrorist attacks.

The legislation is mainly aimed at addressing individuals who refuse to take measures to avoid contaminating others. Minister Shona Robinson said: “Some contaminated people take measures to avoid contaminating others, but we need legislation on this. Although we recognise that there is to be a balance between our duty to protect the public and the right of people to their rights.” All but the Conservative party agreed on this point, Mary Scanlon Shadow Cabinet Secretary for Health and Wellbeing, said:

“I am not so sure about the balance between the rights of the individual against the rights of society. If there is a threat to public health, the rights of society have to prevail.”

The Law Society of Scotland had been consulted and have said that there are four sections which are not compliant with current Scottish Law. All parties agreed that there was a real need for the law to be updated and overhauled but that some amendments would need to be made before stage two.

Labour MSP Ken McIntosh also made a proposal regarding concerns over the safety and licensing of sun beds. The bill currently only focuses on contagious diseases, but the rest of the groups agreed that such amendment was needed. He recalled the recent case of a 13-year-old boy who, in his hometown, went to an unsupervised tanning shop. He put coins in the tan machine and stayed there for 20 minutes. As a result, he ended up in hospital with serious burns. It is not the first time this has happened, but more worrying is the long-term damage, skin cancer has trebled in the last 20 years as a result of the obsession with looking good and having a ‘healthy tan’.

McIntosh proposed three measures.

1- Outlaw unsupervised saloons.

2- Set a minimum age of 18 years old for tanning beds.

3- Provide information on the risks involved.

He said: “We need one clear message: “Sun beds can kill you.” Why don’t we treat sun beds in the same way that we treat alcohol or tobacco?”

Photo by Son of Groucho

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