DON AND OUT

SquareOne Sport

by Chris Hammond

You can’t sit, you’ve not been able to for over an hour. You feel tense, excited and physically drained. It’s cold, there’s rain and a wind which brings the lingering scent of alcohol with it. But for the huddled 22,000 enduring the elements on this December night in the North East the four goals Aberdeen would score against Danish heavyweights Copenhagen will be more than enough comfort from the elements.

Fast forward four months and a team largely consisting of the exact same players as that UEFA Cup glory night are strewn across a soggy Hampden pitch. Here they lie contemplating a 4-3 mauling at the hands of mid-table First Divison no marks Queen Of The South in a the Scottish Cup semi final.

Aberdeen manager Jimmy Calderwood, a mahogany skinned, rotund, gopher-like journalist's wet dream; stands on the touchline watching the players he jettisoned years ago scoring against and celebrating the defeat of a club once considered the best in the world. Red and white scarves rain down on the pitch as the north retreats from their battlefield rout at the hands of the south.

The week following sees Calderwood praise the ageing, decrepit Jackie McNamara, hailing him as the man to turn the club's fortunes round. This is despite the one time Scottish Player of the year being the poorest footballer on the park. Worse yet goal scoring pocket dynamo Barry Nicholson announces he won’t be staying at a club where he shines like a diamond in a morass of footballing faeces. Of course there were sacrificial lambs and noises made about new signings to appease the disgruntled fans. But largely those set for the chop didn’t play in the Cup debacle, and those seen as being the fast fix for the most rapidly declining force in football consist of two ex players who didn’t make a mark the first time round, a leaden footed former Rangers defender and a Dutch goalkeeper famous for a leaked video involving him enjoying bedroom deviance with a former girlfriend.

Before the season ends, Pittodrie an imposing fortress on the coast, prepares itself for three more scheduled raids. Willie Miller, a titanic, gladiatorial captain of former years looks on from his position as football director at a collection of troops which have shipped 8 goals in two semi finals this year, have no hope of a European Campaign come the autumn and are being managed by a man the fans accuse of picking a team through a “tactical tombola”.

Hewn from granite, the city of Aberdeen can merge with the sky on a dull day, leaving things an almost intolerably depressing shade of grey. Yet when the sun appears and the clouds depart, Aberdeen becomes a glistening beacon, a beautiful hub of elegance on a rugged landscape.

As this schizophrenic season of soccer shenanigans trundles to an end and a summer of rebuilding begins, the fans of Aberdeen FC have to ponder whether the next term will be silver or grey – Copenhagen or Queen Of The South. At the moment even the most optimistic would admit it’s grim up north.

THE WORST FOOTBALL GROUNDS IN BRITAIN

SquareOne Sport

by Dave Hynes

The SquareOne team have been racking their heads for some time now. In fact, tensions are running high as the announcement looms. We’ve all been to those torrid away games where it feels like you’re in the visiting end of hell, the slightly colder end where misery wreaks havoc and they have the pomposity to serve crap pies to you. Ah yes, it’s with some nostalgia that I picture them in all their glory, the stadias of shabbiness, cold seats, zero facilities, broken turnstiles, leaking roofs- and that was if you were lucky!

Let me make you privy to the scientific investigation that has gone behind this piece. To help Dave on his quest, the SquareOne News team has conducted its own survey, based on the traditional SquareOne practice of getting the right interviews and going straight to the heart of the story. Our extensive network of football fans, our own writers and editors, lots of people on internet chatrooms and, of course, folk down the pub have all been consulted.

The Top Ten worst grounds are there mostly on merit; they received either the most or the harshest mocking of people who’ve had the misfortune to visit them. The perspectives are basically from those at the Visiting End apart from a magnanimous exception in the gracious John McLean, the Chesterfield fan who nominated his own club.

We’ve taken into account the many factors that go towards making a crap ground and my God there are many – leaking or even non existent roofs, whether the seats were designed for jockeys or really small jockeys, ticket prices, lack of atmosphere, PA announcers with speech impediments, the barbed wire mesh, the charm of the natives, crumbling terracing, the portaloo’s and overall value for money.

A couple are based purely on my experiences and I’ve let our editor nominate a couple of others. All the rest are the fruits of democracy, drum roll please . . .

1) Bayview, East Fife FC: East Fife's home matches are played at Bayview Stadium, capacity 2,000 they hope. The ground has one stand and is open at the three remaining sides. The far side is overshadowed by the derelict Methil power station.Yes, this one wins it for me. See Below.

2) Central Park, Cowdenbeath: is situated just off the High Street in the centre of the town. Bang in the centre of town. It’s only 50 metres from the sea with a huge racetrack around it! Not sure if this one meets SPL standards! Not sure if it meets any standard really.


3) Recreation Park, Chesterfield: This one seems most unpopular with the English responses we got. Derek Shaw, chairman of Preston North End told SquareOne it was:

“By far the worst in England is that heap they call Recreation Park, I couldn’t think of a more inappropriate name for a football ground”

4) Priestfield, Gillingham: Never fails to live down to expectations.

5) Kenilworth Road, Luton: Football ground meets penitentiary. See for yourself.

6) Stair Park, Stranraer: A hut in a park would be far too kind. Needs a bomb.

7) Blundell Park, Grimsby: With many areas of seating without any view of the pitch, it is one of those prestigious grounds with no redeeming features.

8) Gayfield Park, Arbroath: You Fifers ain’t doing too well here. This ones a pure smoky mess.

9) Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen: The coldest ground in Europe. Who chooses to build a stadium slap bang next to the North Sea? If you sit in the South Stand and survive the dire football, you’ll die of exposure as you make a dash for one of the surrounding watering holes on 90 minutes. Sadistic. You can't feel the freeze in this picture, but the photographer did. R.I.P my friend . . .

10) Ochilview Park, Stenhousemuir: Another hell-hole from Scotland.

GORGIE HOUSING REPORT

by Atholl Simpson


SquareOne News


Locals in the Gorgie and Dalry neighbourhoods of Edinburgh are unable to afford properties in the area after numerous regeneration projects increased house prices, according to local community groups and estate agents.

Projects such as the new Sainsbury's store in Gorgie and modern housing developments have attracted investors to the area who snap up available properties. The interest has pushed prices up and out of reach of many of the local residents and first-time buyers.

Elaine Brand, Project Manager of Gorgie Dalry Partnership was involved with some of the regeneration schemes. She said: "The one bedroom flats in a block of sixteen used to be good for first time buyers to get their foot on the property ladder, but now that's not possible. There are also plans in Haymarket for a five star hotel, where the Morrison's street car park is, and that's going to give a different picture to Gorgie and Dalry."

Heart of Midlothian FC's recent stadium plans which include an upmarket hotel have also drawn the interest of investors. Other projects include demolishing the B&Q store next to Murrayfield to open up the area for future development.

Some locals have resorted to buying property further out in more affordable places such as Livingston. Local estate agent Gavin Smith from Century 21 said: "A lot of people who are indigenous to this area are finding it incredibly difficult. To even get property in the traditional tenements is hard enough but to get into the regenerated areas is almost impossible. You are looking at professional people or people from outside Edinburgh that can afford it. The average wage just cannot afford the average flat."

Local resident Alasdair Carmichael, 27 is amongst those struggling to afford a place. He said: '"I wanted to buy a property in Gorgie as I have been renting a flat for some time. Even though I work in a bank, I just couldn't get a mortgage that offered repayments I could afford. There is so much competition that I don't know if I will be able to afford it for another few years, and by that time prices will have doubled."

GRETNA'S MARRIAGE WITH DISASTER

by David Hynes

SquareOne Sport

Sometimes three clicks of the heel is all it ever needs. Sometimes the frog turns into Prince Charming and sometimes the ugly sisters are silenced into submission; but for Gretna FC all talk of fairytale endings is well and truly over. For the town most famous for its quick-fire wedding arrangements, their divorce from footballing success could not have been more pronounced.

The rise and fall of Gretna football club reads like a movie script. The tiny Dumfriesshire village, with a population of only 3,000 and famous only as the destination of choice for runaway lovers must now come to terms with its starring role in a tragic separation - that of fantasy and football.

Gretna won the hearts of so many football fans with their courageous efforts against Hearts in the 2006 Scottish Cup Final- cruelly losing in a tense penalty shoot-out. In doing so they became the smallest team ever to reach the final, in any cup in British football history. This was a truly staggering achievement which defied all expectations and flew in the face of conventional footballing wisdom. Gretna became the first team from the third tier of their domestic league to qualify for the UEFA Cup. Football’s minnows had done it, they’d competed with the big boys and the horizon looked rosy indeed.

Their rise from the Unibond League to the SPL was fuelled by cash injections from millionaire benefactor Brooks Mileson. With a sugar daddy seemingly hell-bent on making his footballing baby the pride of a nation, Gretna began to draw fans from around the country becoming everybody’s second favourite team.

But this season, things began to go wrong. Brooks Mileson fell seriously ill and a string of bad results on the field were matched by paltry attendances in their temporary Fir park home. In the midst of this chaos, the Mileson family withdrew all funding from the club.

On 12 March 2008, Gretna officially went into administration. The ten point deduction that this meant left them with just six points from 28 games and without hope of SPL survival.
The SPL will be relieved if the club can fulfil their obligations for the rest of the season. If Gretna goes into liquidation, which they still might, their results will be expunged from this season's record.

Such an outcome would have had a major impact on the SPL table, reducing leaders Rangers' advantage over Celtic from four points to just one. Fourth-placed Dundee United would leapfrog Motherwell and the make-up of the top six would also be affected.

Gretna lost 3-0 to Aberdeen in their last game, and they can only fulfil their SPL fixtures with financial support from the league. With only a handful of fixtures left, their fate has been sealed, though their future seems far from certain.

Can there be one last twist in the fairytale? I’d start kissing frogs if I was a Gretna fan and hope Mr Mileson can pull through and have a change of heart. A tragic ending to a tale which only last year seemed to promise so much.