GIRLS VS BOYS PART ONE

SquareOne Entertainment

by Chris Hammond

Hammond's Chick Flick Reviews

Chick flicks, the very thought of them brings back long suppressed memories of ex-girlfriends, Sunday night television before digital arrived and cinemas smelling like The Body Shop. Eager to see if my opinion had mellowed in my old age, I perhaps unwisely, challenged Katie to a lads vs ladies DVD duel. Selecting for her a historical war epic, gory sci-fi and depressingly crass comedy, I thought I had the upper had . . . till I saw what was in store for me!

Bridget Jones’s Diary

Starring: Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth

Zellweger plays a frumpy blonde who for some reason is romantically torn between uber-cad Grant and creepy, permanently morose Firth. Mishap follows mishap, occasionally raising a smile or chuckle. There’s a fight, not a very good one but a scrap nevertheless, some decent one liners and the occasional surprise cameo. And then it ends! Too soon? Not really .

For the record she should go for Hugh Grant every time . . .

The Devil Wears Prada

Starring: Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt and Meryl Streep

Ostensibly nothing more than an advert for impractical clothing and bad acting, The Devil Wears Prada is also duller than a week in the jail. For starters it’s pretty difficult to comprehend any film that requires sex on legs Anne Hathaway to say “I am not skinny or glamorous” in the first five minutes. The ‘story’ then revolves around Hathaways attempts to please her lukewarm employer Streep whilst trying to ‘keep it real’. If I’d been directing, the final scene would have involved a lorry ploughing into the tedious lot of them. But of course as a fish out of water feel good drama everything ends well for everyone. Utter s_t.

Footloose

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Lori singer and John Lithgow

Veering from camp to serious and back again this all dancing tale of religious repression, violence against women and bad hair is the ultimate in racy 80’s trash teen cinema. Kevin Bacon plays a brooding, hip, city hoodlum trying to boogie the night away with the local skirt. Things don’t go to plan though because first he must un-ban dancing. One thing that can be said in favour of Footloose is that it confirms to the world that if you wanna get the girl you’ve gotta be able to jive like a prat, kick the crap out of rival alpha males and generally act like a total prick. Profound.

FOOD FIT FOR A FELON

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Edinburgh Sheriff Court Rooftop Restaurant

Edinburgh Sheriff Court’s innards resemble a throw away polystyrene set from the original Star Wars films, whilst its loitering denizens wouldn’t look out of place as extras. Everywhere you glance, bug eyed belligerents, swarm in packs around their beastly brethren, how much fun George Lucas would have had casting them is anyone’s guess.

Court reporting is depressingly odious, sitting there constantly having to hear that the likes of Jimmy McBuckfast can’t come in because he’s taken some drugs or Kelly McTeenpregnancy has slept in must be soul destroying for the victims, and more importantly idle journalists. One case follows another and before you know it you have to exit, if only to be able to breathe the air of civilised human beings. Then you clock it, a wall mounted placard suggested that you “dine at our brilliant Rooftop Restaurant.”

Rooftop it might be, restaurant perhaps but brilliant it was not. You have to jostle your way towards the self service area and enter the fray in a vain attempt to secure yourself some nourishment. Today’s most popular dish seems to be a square slab of meat in a bun, yum. After having the aforementioned lumped onto a stone cold plate you have to then battle with jaded solicitors to make use of a glorious metal shoebox which dispenses half cups of fake coffee.

Tables are few and far between in this eatery so sharing isn’t so much an option as a given. Opposite sits a skin headed fellow in army fatigues eating an egg roll whilst wearing leather gloves. Was this to be his last meal before sentencing? Was this the last civilised feed he’d have before a life of cigarette smuggling, lights off at eight and slopping out took over? You could barely hazard a guess.

Anyway down to the food. The square sausage is gristly, salty and has a texture not dissimilar to a brillo pad. You can’t bite into it for fear of losing a tooth so the consumption exercise is one of gnawing. Ketchup with the consistency of blood can’t even mask the fact that this isn’t suitable food for a human being. Worse yet is the roll which has been half toasted for what appears to be no other reason than to hide the fact it’s stale.

They are promoting Australian themed cuisine throughout the month. What this entails you can’t even begin to imagine. Does Australia have cuisine worthy of mention? The only explanation for this culinary promotion that seems feasible is that the kitchen staff are trying to get those yet to be condemned familiar with the sort of foodstuffs they’ll have to endure after their deportation to the colonies.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE VOLUNTEER ARMS

SquareOne Booze

by Dave Hynes

So, still near the bottom(ish) of Leith Walk I volunteered to twist my arm for a pint at a new abode. The smoker’s outside seemed content enough to brave the cold and I always reckon you can tell a lot about a pub by looking at the smoker’s outside. These ones were old, cold and big Hibs men - I was later told. Better than Jambo’s I guess!

I felt more secure in a Scots accent, which I’m beginning to get good at, to order my drinks and say ‘areyt pal’ to the outside smokers; ‘hello chaps’ might have aroused suspicions of the auld enemy.

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There were a few rough looking blighters propping up the bar, especially a man with the strangest nose I’ve ever seen; sort of like a pinnochio with a terrible cold. He was jovial but completely s_t-faced and I was terrified he might sneeze at one point.

The pub itself looks okay inside, with a real delight of a bar. A huge glass panel reflects the great variety of spirits available and three huge TV’s seemed happy enough to show the horse races. The punters seemed a betting lot, with most conversation directed towards the big screens. It felt quite cosy at first but the charm wore off after all of ten minutes.

The Volunteer Arms might be a decent pub if the punters ever seemed to win anything on the races; but non-stop news about betting odds and increasingly frantic old men screaming in your ears almost drives you into the unforgiving arms of The Central.

The best thing, though, about this pub was the rather gorgeous little angel behind the bar who seemed strangely unreceptive to my charms. She is very sexy, and if you volunteer to go to this pub and she’s not there, I’m sorry, because there ain’t too much else to see.

Would I volunteer to go in again? Would a certain alcoholic philanthropy drive me towards the bosom of this s_t-hole? Would an altruistic love of Leith and its insatiable desire to sustain s_t pubs let me recommend this one to you? Noooooooo, it’s s_t, and more than that, it’s typical Leith Walk old man crap where the pub is the same as the one they’d celebrated victories at Bannockburn in.

Not a great one this I’m afraid. Still, if that barmaid had liked me . . . might let them know in the next pub I’m a cheeky reviewer, get them to water down my drink a bit less.

GOING IT ALONE

SquareOne Sport

by Pere Fornes

In the run up to the Olympic games, arguments about whether to have a GB football team are being called into question by Scotland's SNP leadership who want a separate national team competing at the events.

But if Scotland participated as a independent sporting nation in the next Olympic games would it be the first time this has happened? The answer is no. 100 years ago a Scottish hockey squad played as a separate entry in the London Olympic Games and won a bronze medal.

Scottish hockey historian Ernie Wall said: “Scotland gained the honour of playing in the first-ever men’s hockey Olympic match on October 29 1908, and also recording the first Olympic goals and victory in defeating Germany by 4-0.”

The reason for the split was that if Britain had participated as one country, there would have been only two rivals - France and Germany, Wall added: “The British Olympic Committee suggested that, to make a proper tournament, the other three Home Countries should be asked to participate.”

Scotland lost the semi-finals against England 6-1 with Ireland getting to the final after beating Wales by 3-1. The Scottish squad refused to stay another night to play Wales for the third place and both teams shared the bronze medals at the official dinner. The gold was won by England who thrashed the Irish by 8-1 in the final.

Wall concluded: “To finish the story of Scotland’s one and only appearance in the Olympics as a separate nation, the S.H.A. Council, which met in late November 1908, made no mention at all of the event! In the report to the 1909 A.G.M., the event is curtly dismissed in one sentence. Such was the tenor of the times.”

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TARTENED UP

SquareOne News Feature

by Atholl Simpson

What do the FBI, a famous Russian family and Chinese dignitaries all have in common? No, this is not the beginning of a rather questionable joke nor is it another conspiracy theory. The answer is a kilt, or to be more precise, tartan.

These distinctive organisations and groups all have their own registered tartan, which has been recognised and approved by the Scottish Tartan Authority.

There is no requirement that stops groups from having their own tartan according to the authority’s Director, Brian Wilton. Neither Scottish blood nor Scottish connections are necessary, although it must be a unique design which is used.

“Quite a few people come with their own ideas, but a lot of them ask us to design them,” Wilton told SquareOne. “Tartan is the only design in existence into which you can include personal significance. A lot can be incorporated into it.”

One example is a tartan Wilton designed for a famous Russian family called the Lermontov’s. After discovering they had Scottish descendants they wanted their own tartan to be made. Wilton used the colours from their Coat of Arms to create the design, incorporating into it the blue and white from the Scottish flag. Many people from all over the world are very keen to have their own tartan.

“There is a huge interest. The Scots have a tremendous reputation worldwide for being hard working, creative and having strong family ties. Although these might be a bit outdated, by choosing a tartan they are aligning themselves with the strengths that Scots are known for.”

Recently he created tartan designs for the O2 company but has also developed many for the US military including the American Navy submarine hunters, who when asked by Wilton why they wanted their own tartan, told him that although they have no Scottish connections, they feel like a big family.

From November of this year the government will finally participate in the registration process after years of campaigning by the Scottish Tartan Authority. Before this decision, the authority had been ‘de facto’ the official register. The change will mean that all the past, present and future tartan designs will be kept in an official government database in the National Archives of Scotland, which is something that did not exist before. The authority will still be heavily consulted according to Wilton, and will still be in charge of the registering for some time to come.

“It’s only in recent years that the economic and cultural value of the tartan has come to be recognised and protected. It’s good news for us!”

MARCHMONT BROTHEL REVEALED

SquareOne News

by Katie Smyth

Residents of Edinburgh's Southside have reacted with mixed feeling to the confirmation that a local sauna is a front for brothel.

The New Gentle Touch of Argyle Place, Marchmont poses as a massage parlour but its main trade is in prostitution. "We have the sauna and of course we do sex, £50 for a half hour, £70 for an hour," the proprietor, who wished to remain anonymous, told SquareOne.

Her statement ends years of conjecture which have surrounded The New Gentle Touch since it’s arrival in middle-class Marchmont. Eileen Dickson, spokeswoman for the Marchmont St Giles branch of the Church of Scotland Ladies' Guild said: "When it opened there was great trepidation. Everyone knew it was a brothel." However another Guild member who lives on Warrender Park Terrace, was shocked to discover this establishment exists in the neighbourhood.

Their concern coincides with that of Lothian and Borders Police who launched a new team in September 2005 to tackle exploitation and prostitution. In a press release at the time, Assistant Chief Constable Tom Halpin said, "We will be looking at people who are being lured over to this country on false pretences … Prostitution … is an area that we will be particularly focussing on."

David Anderson, barman at the Argyle pub, accepts the presence of a brothel in Argyle Place: "When it first came there was a lot of nose-turning, but now it is just one of those things. The most concerning thing is having Sick Kids and Sciennes Primary school down the road. The mothers are passing it with their kids all the time."However, he claimed The Gentle Touch does bother the people who live in the houses opposite it and one woman left the area after her public protest proved futile.

Despite certain practices surrounding prostitution's continued illegality in Britain other traders in Argyle Place were unconcerned by the confirmation of The Gentle Touch's status. Florist Monica Higgins said, "I don't have a problem with it. It's very discreet. I'm sure if there was a real problem the local bobbies would be on to it because we're a very close-knit community."

A year on from the Ipswich murders the general consensus in Marchmont is that it is safer if prostitutes operate from brothels. David Anderson said, "it takes it off the streets so it's not downgrading the area. Once you get prostitutes on the streets you then get drug-dealers. This way is better because it's regulated."

FILM OF THE WEEK: POLTERGAY

SquareOne Entertainment

by Lou Hardless

When love struck Marc (Clovis Cornillac) and Emma (Julie Depardieu) move into their dream house, they find it occupied by disco-queen poltergeists in what is an ambitious but dismal attempt at interlinking different aspects of people's lives with the
past and present.

The subject matter comes across as being extremely naive and dated, and a combination of flares, crappy dancing and 70s tunes only add to the headache that's forming. Though starting off with a fair bit of potential, the film loses its way before long with the storyline ending up all over the place. Worse still, some plot aspects have already been done to death, pardon the pun. Poor editing may also leave viewers wondering what it was all about as badly positioned subtitles only add to the agony.

I was however a little intrigued as to which audience group this film is pitched at, but on reflection it's hard to say - perhaps its humour was lost in translation?