SquareOne

British Health Tourism in Spain

2008-07-31T03:39:00.000-07:00

As I have created a new blog, I won't post here any more. For an article on British Health Tourism in Spain click either on the header or here.

Home Countries Olympic Squads?

2008-06-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

Pere Fornes

Squareonenews sport

The reason to ban separate squads in the Olympics seems to be that the home countries are not members of the International Olympic Committee. Only Great Britain is a member of the IOC.

There is an ongoing row about a GB football team reappearing, probably for the London 2012 Olympics. Scotland and Wales do not want to join a GB football team because they see this as a first step towards losing their independent status and towards having to compete in a GB football team in all international tournaments. Furthermore, this could imply that the four home countries could lose their voting rights within FIFA and would have to merge their separate associations into a GB one.

It would be unfair to have a GB football team in the 2012 Olympics represented only by English players because the Scottish and Welsh had refused to join it.

As squareonenews reported, there was one time in the Olympic history when the home countries hockey squads played separately and this year is the 100th anniversary of that event.

That sets a precedent. If there was one time when English, Scottish and Welsh squads played in the Olympics, there can be a second time.

o

2008-05-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

EDIMBURGO. CAPÍTULO 1.

2008-05-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Pere Fornes.

Squareone entertainment.

A manera de despedida después de dos años y medio de estancia en Edimburgo que terminará el próximo viernes 30, hoy publico el primer capítulo de una novela que escribí durante mi estancia. Es como un complemento al artículo “Vivir en Edimburgo” ya que puede ayudar a los lectores a familiarizarse con la vida Edimburguesa.

La novela, como todas, mezcla ficción y realidad. Todos los personajes y anécdotas que se cuentan tienen una base tan real como la vida misma, por muy chocante que pueda resultar.

CAPÍTULO 1.

ROBERTITO

El Robertito era famoso en el barrio de Campanar y en toda Valencia en general. La fama se la había ganado con el paso del tiempo. Medía 1’95 y tenia una cicatriz en la cara. Muchas leyendas circulaban sobre el origen de esa cicatriz, aunque nadie se atrevía a preguntarle. La leyenda que más circulaba contaba que, a la edad de 16 años, volvía por la noche del barrio del Carmen con un amigo por el viejo cauce del río Túria cuando dos gitanos les quisieron atracar y él se negó. Éstos sacaron sus navajas y el Robertito se las apaño para quitarle la navaja al primero. El segundo le rajó la cara pegando un salto. A partir de ahí diferentes personas contaban multitud de desenlaces diferentes con un denominador común: el Robertito tenía mogollón de huevos.

Esto le sirvió para ganarse fama, pero con el tiempo se hizo incluso más y más famoso. Empezó a traficar con droga y pronto subió a lo mas alto, pasando en grandes cantidades y manejando grandes sumas de dinero. Desde adolescente había llevado el pelo rapado aunque últimamente se lo afeitaba: se había apuntado a la moda de los ciclos de esteroides y como resultado tenia una masa muscular descomunal, aunque se estaba quedando calvo como efecto secundario de la testosterona. A primera vista, parecía un toro a dos patas. 1’95 de altura y 135 Kg. de músculo daban respeto. Solo sus amigos se atrevían a mirarle a los ojos.

El Robertito cogió a Boby, su pitt-bull y bajó al parque de la calle Castielfabib donde solía pasearlo.

José Ramírez, Suburbio para los amigos, era conocido en el barrio de Campanar por su afabilidad y simpatía. Tenia una tienda de animales en la Avenida Maestro Rodrigo y los clientes le apreciaban por su excelente servicio. Era amante de los animales y de la naturaleza y siempre estaba dispuesto a colaborar en causas benéficas. Esa tarde se levantó de la siesta más tarde de lo esperado. Tenía que abrir la tienda de animales a las 4 y ya eran las 4 y diez. No era una tragedia muy grande pues la tienda era suya, y vivía en la avenida General Avilés, a unos cinco minutos de la tienda. Pero Suburbio era muy metódico. Era puntual y odiaba llegar tarde. No podía soportar la idea de que algún cliente hubiera ido a la tienda a las 4 y cinco. Salió corriendo de casa sin tomar café ni nada.

Al cabo de un rato de abrir, el Robertito entró en la tienda del Suburbio, que aun no se había acabado de despertar del todo.

-Oye, que vengo a devolverte el perro este que te compre hace tres semanas, que está enfermo, y a que me devuelvas el dinero.

Siguiendo el protocolo de atención al cliente, Suburbio le explico a Robertito gentilmente como era el procedimiento en esos casos.

-No, hombre, yo te explico como va la cosa… Déjame el perro y yo lo llevo al veterinario para ver lo que tiene. Tú no te preocupes que la visita al veterinario corre de mi cuenta. Si es algo temporal se le cura y te devuelvo el perro, y si no tiene arreglo te devuelvo el dinero.

El Robertito soltó al perro, cogió a Suburbio del cuello y lo arrastro hasta la trastienda. Le pegó un puñetazo en el pómulo, luego un codazo en las costillas, le cogió del pelo por la parte de detrás de la cabeza y le pegó un cabezazo contra la pared. El Suburbio cayó al suelo y su nariz empezó a sangrar. El Robertito le levantó, le cogió del cuello y empezó a darle puñetazos por la cara y el cuerpo mientras gritaba:

-¿Me vas a pagar? ¿Me vas a pagar? ¿Me vas a pagar?

El Suburbio no tardo en responder:

-Si!Si!Si! Por favor, no me pegues mas!

...............

2 de Julio de 2005. 17’00h. Carlos iba conduciendo su Seat Ibiza por la Avenida Maestro Rodrigo. El móvil sonó. Era un mensaje:

TE ESPERO EN EL PARQUE NANO

Después de aparcar el coche en la Calle Castielfabib, Carlos se dirigió al parque. Tana, la perra de Ricardo vio a Carlos y se fue corriendo hacia él moviendo la cola. Después de unos minutos de festival de bienvenida con la perra, Carlos y Ricardo se chocaron las manos.

-Oye, acabo de pasar por delante de la tienda de animales del Suburbio y he visto que esta cerrada, ya no esta el rótulo ni nada.
-Ah, ¿tú no te enteraste de la movida que le paso con el Robertito, no?
-No, ¿quien es el Robertito?
-¿No te suena quien es el Robertito?
-No.
-Joder, pues debes de ser el único. Se nota que te has pasado tiempo fuera de Valencia, pero ya era famoso antes. Un ciclao que también trapichea y es bastante mafias. Fue a devolverle un perro que le había comprado al Suburbio y a aquel se le ocurrió decirle que primero tenia que llevarlo al veterinario. Sin mediar palabra, el Robertito lo cogió del cuello y empezó a arrearle mientras le preguntaba: ¿me vas a pagar? ¿me vas a pagar? Hasta que el Suburbio consiguió responder que si, que le iba a pagar. A la primera que le arreó ya le iba a decir que si, pero como el Robertito continuaba arreándole no le dejaba ni que abriera la boca..
-Joder! Que hijo de puta! ¿Le rompió la nariz o algo?
-No, pero yo le vi al cabo de dos días y tenia un ojo morado, la cara hinchada y le costaba respirar porque le había pegado en las costillas. El Robertito siempre ha tenido fama de chungo, pero se ve que en ese momento estaba en mitad de un ciclo de testosterona, que aun los pone más agresivos.
-¿Y ahora que hace el Suburbio?
-Se ha ido de camarero en un crucero por el mediterráneo.
-Eso es lo que tengo que hacer yo. Viajar, cambiar de aires.
-¿Como llevas lo de tu madre?
-Empecé a bajar la dosis de codeína a los 15 días y vino lo peor, el ver que me he quedado sin familia, el pensar: “¿y ahora qué?”
-El día del entierro se te veía de puta madre.
-Mira...el poder de Morfeo.

Hubo un silencio

-Pero ahora, dentro de lo que cabe estoy bien. He decido que me voy. Seguramente a Escocia en enero a estudiar inglés 6 meses.
-¿Y eso?
-Lo encontré por Internet, ya sabes que yo aquí he ido a academias de inglés, pero si quiero hablar fluidamente, la mejor opción es irme fuera.
-Si, y te sentará bien. ¿Donde está Escocia?
-En el norte de Inglaterra.
-¿Y a que parte de Escocia vas?
-Edimburgo.
-Escocia, Edimburgo, lo mirare en el mapa… o por Internet.
-¿Por qué en enero y no antes?
-Quería ir en septiembre pero todas las plazas están ocupadas. Podría ir a Inglaterra en septiembre pero es mucho más caro.
-Y que te vas… ¿Solo?
-Si.
-¿No te da un poco de rollo?
-Pues no, más solo que estoy ahora no voy a estar. Además, allí seguro que conoceré a gente. Van más españoles y gente de otros países a estudiar inglés.
-La verdad es que me estás dando envidia, suena bien.
-Bueno, me tengo que ir que he quedado con Ramsés. Si quieres mañana quedamos en serio y nos tomamos unas cervezas.
-Vale, ¿cuando te vas al pueblo?
-Pasado mañana.
-¿Te pasaras por Valencia antes de irte a Escocia, no?
-Si hombre, y si no, tu también puedes pasarte a verme.
-También.
-Au nano.
-Au.

Ana Luján Sánchez Interview

2008-05-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

Pere Fornes

Squareonenews entertainment

The Scottish company The Curve Foundation celebrated its 10th anniversary yesterday with a production by four choreographers. Ana Luján Sánchez was one of them, together with Merce Cunningham, William Forsythe and Ross Copper, artistic director of The Curve Foundation.

Ana, originally from Valencia, Spain, was awarded the Best Female Contemporary Artist award by the British Critic’s Circle in 2003 as well as the Artes Escénicas award by the Generalitat Valenciana (Spain) in 2006.

We met with Ana before the performance to learn what brought her to the UK and what her relationship with The Curve Foundation is. “I started dancing when I was six and I also did gymnastics and judo. I soon had to decide between the three of them and I chose ballet. When I was ten I started to realise that I really enjoyed going to ballet classes. By the age of 14 I had decided that I wanted to be a professional dancer and I had also realised that dancing wasn’t a professional career in Spain.”

There was only one professional company in Spain, the Compañía Nacional de Danza. She went to an audition there at the age of 15 but couldn’t get in because she was too young. “I then started talking to my parents and teachers about the possibility to go to England to get into a professional dance company because in Spain I couldn’t get a job. I applied for the Rambert School in London and they accepted the application so I came to England in September 1994.”

She stayed in the school for a year and a half, until the director of the Rambert Dance Company offered her a contract in 1995, when she was 19, and she stayed there until August 2006 working with international choreographers.

In 2005 she choreographed a solo called “Cervantes” for a workshop. Ross Copper, director of The Curve Foundation liked it and bought it for the company. Ana came to Edinburgh to re choreograph the solo with The Curve Foundation. “We held an audition and I had to choose two guys for the solo. After that, they have been performing the piece for the last three years.

“It was a solo danced while the audience was coming in the auditorium, before the show started. Normally the audience is down and watches the dancer. This solo is about the physical struggle that a dancer has to go through, and the mental concentration, to overcome the fact that she is looking at the audience as they walk through to get into the theatre. The dancer is a spectator, as well as a dancer.”

After dancing professionally for 14 years, Ana also likes directing. “I like dance because it is a way of expressing what I feel, because is very internal, and I share it with the audience and colleagues. Now I am in the stage where I want to share my knowledge and experience with younger dancers. But I also like to direct my ideas or projects with other artists.”

At present she works with the Leeds-based company Phoenix Dance Theatre.

http://www.analujansanchez.co.uk/.

o

Cannabis Grade Gets High

2008-05-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

Pere Fornes

Squareone Features

“Most marijuana smokers are Negroes, Hispanics, jazz musicians, and entertainers. Their satanic music is driven by marijuana, and marijuana smoking by white women makes them want to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and others. It is a drug that causes insanity, criminality, and death -- the most violence-causing drug in the history of mankind.”

When Harry Anslinger, the first marijuana drug czar, expressed these objective and unbiased thoughts on cannabis in the 1930’s, a war on cannabis, and on drugs in general, started. That policy, exported from the USA to several other countries, has been really successful: there are far more people who take cannabis or other illegal drugs nowadays than there were in the 1930’s.

The decision by Gordon Brown to upgrade cannabis to class B drug, in spite of his advisors’ recommendations, seems more a desperate attempt to regain some popularity than a rational decision based on compelling evidence. A recent report by the Advisory Committee on the Misuse of Drugs says that there is not need for reclassification. The main concerns about the new varieties of the drug (erroneously called “skunk”, as skunk is just one of the new varieties) is that it was supposed to cause mental illnesses on users. Surprisingly, the report has concluded that the prevalence of schizophrenia and psychoses has been reduced during recent years. This totally contradicts the theory that cannabis threatens mental health. Furthermore, cannabis use has decreased since it was downgraded in 2004.

There is a bit of naivety on this debate. It is true that, for people who suffer schizophrenia and psychoses, cannabis can make symptoms worse but that only means that it should not be taken by those people, the same way as people with liver problems should not drink alcohol and people with heart problems should not consume caffeine. Cannabis can make depressions worse as well.

The arguments used to keep cannabis illegal (supposed addiction, harm to mind and body) could be used to forbid both tobacco and alcohol. In July 2006, the UK Parliament Science Select Committee acknowledged that the drugs classification system was based on historical prejudice rather than medical evidence: cannabis is less harmful than tobacco and alcohol.

One of the harms cannabis causes, and nobody denies, lung damage, can be avoided using “steamers”, which are devices that warm up the weed without burning it. Therefore, users can get high by inhaling the steam without smoke and without harming their lungs.

Supposed harmful cannabis effects, like withdrawal symptoms, are quite similar to those of the drug of everyday use considered to be the most beneficial one (caffeine). According to a report published by the Scottish executive in 2002:

“There is no doubt that it is possible to become dependent on cannabis. Between 5% and 10% of drug users seeking treatment report that cannabis is their main problem drug. Studies among cannabis dependent users reveal that when they stop, they experience physical withdrawal symptoms, such as decreased appetite, weight loss, lethargy, irritability, mood changes and insomnia.”

According to the Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Centre, Caffeine withdrawal symptoms are headache, fatigue, sleepiness/drowsiness, difficulty concentrating, work difficulty, irritability, depression, anxiety, flu-like symptoms, and impairment in psychomotor, vigilance and cognitive performances. Significant caffeine withdrawal has been shown to occur after abstinence from a dose as low as 100 mg/day, which is the caffeine equivalent of one 6 oz. cup of brewed coffee or two to three 12 oz. servings of caffeinated soft-drink. Some caffeine users report becoming "addicted" to caffeine in the sense that they report an inability to quit or to cut down their caffeine use, they continue to use caffeine despite having medical or psychological problems made worse by caffeine.
A similar comparison can be established about the dangers of cannabis (and caffeine) regarding cardiovascular system and fertility.

It is sometimes pointed out that Sweden, which has a very tough policy on drugs, has a very low rate of drugs consumption. Nevertheless, it is not so often said that the rate consumption has been increasing like everywhere else. Problematic drug use has almost doubled since 1980 to a level hovering around the European average.

Brown seems to want to keep following Anslinger’s line: war on cannabis. The result of Anslinger’s policies during 80 years, however, is very clear: cannabis consumption goes up.

cannabis smell

COWGATE CENTRE CELEBRATES 30 YEARS COMBATTING HOMELESSNESS

2008-05-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Katie Smyth

Located underneath a block of student flats in a quiet corner of Holyrood Road the Cowgate Centre’s unobtrusive exterior belies the vital work that goes on behind its heavy blue door. Celebrating its 30^th anniversary this year, Scotland’s only drop in centre for homeless people is open day and night 365 days a year, offering a unique range of services. Manager Lorna Gunn chats to SquareOne about the efforts of her dedicated team.

“Basically at night we’re a crisis centre,” she explains. “If you find yourself on the street with nowhere else to go you can arrive here. Staff will try and find you accommodation whether it’s a hostel, B&B, or if you’re young we will contact the out of hours emergency social work department to try and find you a safe place to be.” However, aware of the limitations to what it can actually achieve the Cowgate Centre also has facilities for homeless to sleep in the centre, offering mats for 40 people to rest on.

Pressure for space and a desire to help people truly in need, and not just those who find themselves too wasted after a night on the booze, means that the centre implements a strict door policy. Gunn explains two staff man the CCTV guarded door at all times and all visitors must sign a register. She claims, “It’s mostly for the safety of the individuals who use our service. We like to know who’s in the building, what kind of state they’re in and what their general needs are.” Those felt to be too intoxicated will not make it over the threshold but will be asked to go for a walk and come back when they are sober.

It is said that you are only ever two pay cheques away from homelessness and Gunn cannot attribute it to a few specific factors: “People come here who have had marriage break-ups and they’ve had to sell their house, we have people who have alcohol or drugs problems, people who have arrived from the EU who were promised jobs and their jobs have fallen through.” The latter can also be counselled at the centre by a multi-lingual staff.

However, the centre does not just operate as another shelter. During the day it runs a variety of drop-in surgeries to help the homeless get back on their feet. “We’ve got English classes, employability classes, benefit agencies coming in. We’ve got an alcohol support group and a drugs support group,” Gunn explains, naming just a few of the services on offer. The Cowgate Centre forms just one part of FourSquare, an Edinburgh wide initiative whose various outlets cover every aspect of homelessness from basic shelter to improving an individual’s employability, (through Spectrum) to providing basic start-up furniture for tenancies.

MSP Sarah Boyack lauded the many achievements of the FourSquare organisation at its 30^th Anniversary Launch last November: “the organisation was the first to set up a Stopover for homeless young people, with Follow Up the first to provide tenancy support to ex-homeless people and the Cowgate day and overnight centre the first to achieve registration with the Care Commission.”

The Cowgate Centre sees itself as the first port of call for people without a roof over their heads. The highly trained staff can put them in touch with the relevant authorities and organisations, acting as an advocate. Gunn says, “We can link you with people who will help you budget, get you into employment, get you back on the straight and narrow. Normally within 28 days we will try and move you on from our service.”

The centre deals with a high turn over of people helping 8000 individuals last year, including over 500 who made use of the morning drop-in service. Gunn is keen to stress the close working relationship with the Edinburgh City Council who fund FourSquare. Over the past few years the Council has developed a new homeless strategy. The second phase, to be launched 25 May aims to eradicate homelessness by 2012 and is already looking at means of prevention such as helping people sustain their tenancies. “I think there will always be a turnover but I think Edinburgh Council is addressing these issues,” says Gunn.

Another aspect of the Cowgate Centre’s work the Council aids is the morning gym project. By issuing free leisure passes at the Commonwealth Pool the partnership have managed to get more people off the streets, promoting well-being instead of searching for drink.

However the centre also relies heavily on donations. While philanthropists such as a certain Mr X have provided the means to take people out of the homeless scene for a day and enjoy go-karting, Go Ape and fishing, the centre also welcomes clothing, towels and toiletries. Gunn claims, “People can arrive with only the clothes on their back and it’s quite degrading. At the minute we are a bit low on gent’s toiletries.” Even a half-empty bottle of shampoo would be a welcome addition to the sparse armoury at the centre. Donations are vital if the Cowgate Centre is to continue its hard work for the next 30 years and anyone wishing to help should view the “Just Giving and Fundraising” page of the FourSquare website at www.foursquare.org.uk. As the only Care Commission registered centre in the whole of Scotland the Cowgate Centre stands at the forefront of homelessness prevention and provides a crucial element of FourSquare’s fight against people sleeping rough.

GET FIT HAVE FUN

2008-04-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Feature

by Kate Smail

As the nights get longer and the days get warmer, so the layers must get fewer. If the thought of baring your dimply thighs and flabby wings is too much to contemplate ladies, (and metrosexual gents), let SquareOne guide you through the most enjoyable ways to get fit this summer.

This week sees the start of the third O'Neill Highland Open, Europe's premier surfing championship, taking place in the frigid waters around Thurso. It may lack the glamour of Hawaii's North Shore, but with around 70 surfable beaches around the Scottish coast, there's no excuse not to brave the waves.

Coldingham and Pease Bay are both mild breaks suitable for beginners, and both within 40 minutes drive of Edinburgh. Wetsuits and boards can be hired locally for about £20 all in, and both beaches benefit from life guards during the summer months. California it may not be, the water temperature peaks around a chilly 10 degrees, but at least you don't have to worry about Great White sharks or David Hassellhoff in a pair of red speedos . (See www.stvedas.com for details).

If icy seas aren't your thing, how about some snowy mountains? The Scottish ski resorts are enjoying their best season in many a year, and a few runs are expected to remain open into May. If you want to hone your skills, not to mention your thighs, over the summer, then head over to Xscape in Glasgow, the UK's largest indoor snow arena. They run a whole host of ski and snowboarding lessons, from taster sessions right through to park skill classes. There's an even after ski bar for when you're ready to switch pistes. (See www.xscape.co.uk and www.ski.visitscotland.com)

Or how about raising the temperature a little with some mountain biking? Less than an hour south of Edinburgh lies Glentress, the UK's largest trail centre. Whatever your level, trails are colour coded from green (easy peasy), to black (serious adrenaline junkies only), so it's easy to find your own pace. The climbs may be tough, but the views over the Tweed Valley are worth the sweat. Bikes can be hired from The Hub on site, and there is also a cafe serving hearty fare in the car park. Lycra is strictly optional, but after a few sessions you may find yourself warming to the idea, just to show off your perky new posterior... (see www.hubintheforest.com)

Statistically we may be a nation of fatties, but judging by the toned bodies gracing the afore mentioned activities, we're not all bad. And if the thought of seeing the beautiful people getting changed in the car park doesn't get you off the sofa, nothing will.

ECA SPENDING SCANDAL

2008-04-30T02:57:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Chris Hammond

Senior students and staff at Edinburgh College of Art have raised concerns over the institution's spending after learning thousands of pounds have been spent on what many believe to be unnecessary extravagances.

Foremost amongst student gripes are the purchases of a chair costing £1,800, along with four powerful projectors totalling £60,000. These projectors are housed in the reception of Evolution House and project both the ECA logo and student artwork onto the walls. Connor Dupre a 4th year student said “There are four of those projectors and I believe Wembley Stadium only needs two. It’s bad management considering the distance they actually project in the reception.” A member of the ECA staff who wishes to remain anonymous also told SquareOne that the projectors were so powerful only one was needed on Madonna’s last world tour.

£167,000 was also spent during the design consultancy for Evolution House and projects at the Lauriston Place campus. ECA includes interior design as one of its taught disciplines. Miss Hollie Reid, student at ECA is disappointed that the College management didn’t ask students to do the work instead of outside contractors: “For the work on The Wee Red Bar in college, the students were involved and it went well . . . surely it would’ve looked good for the college to have had the students do this? It looks like another real waste of money.”

Malcolm Gauldie another 4th year, is angry about the amount spent on the interior design consultation. “I think there has to be an investment in the students and interior design is pretty superficial when you come down to it, we need more space, better tools for technicians to help the students and improved facilities.”

The support staff have also been affected with students noticing a decline in their work space and resources. Not only that but under a new job evaluation scheme, some staff claimed they could have their wages reduced by as much as a third in three years time. Miss Reid said: “The technicians help us get our degree, they’re essential whereas the projectors and things like that aren’t. These guys are integral to everything and are always here to help us. They should be getting a pay rise!” SquareOne can reveal that at a time some staff look set to lose money Ian Howard the Edinburgh College of Art Head took a 15% pay increase between 2005/6 and 2006/7 bringing his salary up to £112,608 per annum.

According to the ECA’s own website “operating costs are primarily met through government educational grants and student fees.” Despite this they state that “costs of essential student exhibitions such as the annual Fashion and Degree Shows must be met from sponsorship, ticket income and the generous support of our alumni and the general public.”

Michael Wood the College Secretary said that he had not received any complaints from students or staff on the issues raised. And went on to say that: “the College is committed to cost-effectiveness – it has now reduced its estate from 11 buildings to 4 which provides students with some of the best art and design facilities in the world, not just in the UK. The furnishings for students in the new building are the same as for the administrative departments – it would be a false economy to buy cheap, inferior designed furniture. The new building's interior design has recently won a top merit award in the US, which again promotes the College and Scottish higher education to the wider world in a very positive light. Both the architect of Evolution House and the lead interior design consultant are College graduates, so the institution does invest in its own home-grown talent.”

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE BOWLERS REST

2008-04-30T02:36:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Booze

by Dave Hynes

This pub was built on dreams. I can tell; dreams and visions of el Diablo. It was a pub built on poo and wee. Leithers! Oh glorious Leithers, you are the most fantastic purveyors of s_t pubs I have ever known and I think you all deserve a long well deserved rest, though perhaps not here amongst the “Bowlers”.

No, perhaps a leisurely stroll to those pearly gates which signify the beginnings of Princes Street would be better advised than a trip to the top of Leith Walk. You see Princes Street acts as the demarcation zone between civilisation, Scottish renaissance, successful finance and civic glory and Leith, glorious Leith, home of those fine Lilliputions of magnanimous pride and cantankerous values, that sacred bunch of heathens and believers in pagan rituals we call Leithers. And Leithers are exactly the kind of people who go to the Bowlers Rest, it simply wouldn’t do for other clans.

But Leither’s, glorious, Leithers can I say something which could help close half the pubs down in a whim? You like s_t pubs, I know you like s_t pubs because I’ve seen you in your natural element; the s_t pub. But you are missing out, glorious Leithers, if you like s_t pubs (which you do), you are being conned.

Why? Well, you ain’t getting your money’s worth at a place like the Bowler’s Rest, which still pales into insignificance against the grotesque brilliance of the Marksman, a pub I love to hate.

So what’s wrong with The Bowlers Rest? I think that it’s about time you took the plunge and found out yourself, I’ve been your guide for too long. Let me know if you make it out alive . . . I’ll be finding a more suitable place to booze out my retirement. I hear Andersons on Lothian Road is a nice place maybe I’ll go there.

MONEY FOR NOTHING

2008-04-30T02:28:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Features

by Karen Combe

"Here's £2.00, go and see how much you can make from it". said the ed, "and write me a story, I need it in five minutes!" Is it just me or has everyone around here started to wear Prada, a red soul patch and grown horns?

"I'll show him," I thought as my entrepreneurial competitive edge kicked in. By the time I've finished I could be the only person ever, to have all the members of Dragon's Den begging to join my company.

That was last week. This week I am the sad owner of The Proclaimer's 'This is the Story' LP from 1987. It cost £2.00 from Cancer Research but being a bit of a Scottish anthem fan I thought it could be worth millions. My mind went into fast forward; me an international vintage record dealer sunning myself in St Tropez. But when I checked the LP out on eBay, you guessed it, it was worth a measly £1.98 and it would cost £2.00 to post to any prospective customer.

All was not lost. I remembered a suitcase of singles from the 1980's in the attic belonging to my err, grandmother and just maybe it contained some fantastic rare 45's worth a fortune. What was required now was some extensive research on You Tube and eBay. So six cups of coffee and a pack of 20 Jaffa cakes later I discover, Adam and the Ants' Dog Eat Dog', is worth almost nothing. Hazel O'Connor's 'Will You' according to You Tube commentators is still a great love song but is worth a mere £1.50 and 'Bank Robber' by the Clash from the 1980 Rock Galore UK tour is, say You Tube afficianados still awesomely cool and so is worth a rocking £3.99. But my grandmother just won't part with it. She is still mad about Joe Strummer!

During the course of my research I made the mistake of listening to Care's 'Flaming Sword'. It's a little known fact that once you've heard it it you'll never be able to get "Whoooooooooollllll buy my flaming sword, cold as cold, that old friend of mine," out your head - but not in a good way. No wonder it's only worth £1.20.

But the surprise Cash in the Attic find was a single by Scottish 80's band Leisure Process' 'A Way You'll Never Be' from 1982. Eureka! People on You Tube are begging for a copy. "Has anybody got 'A Way You'll Never Be,'" they cried. "Yes yes me," I said, back on the beach in St. Tropez. So why is this particular single in such demand? According to one YT commentator Leisure Process are the definitive sound of the early 80's. Then I notice something a bit spooky; the single's cover shows a picture of the Twin Towers. It definitely has to be sold, it could bring bad luck.

Sure enough the rarity is worth £7.98 on eBay which represents over 1000% return on gran's original investment of 75p back in 1982. There's only one small problem, strictly speaking | didn't buy the record with the ed's cash. However it will cost me £2.00 to an eBay buyer and as I sweet talked gran into giving it to me for nothing, I've used the acceptable 'Sugar' practice of blagging to generate cash, so I think I'm in the clear. Who knows, by this time next week I could have made so much money from only £2.00 I could be sipping a 'Wimpy' coffee on Portobello beach!

CHUBBY CHILDREN CLING TO COUCH

2008-04-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Lou Hardless

A recent study undertaken by Growing Up in Scotland has shown that 63 per cent of Scottish children under the age of two watched television every day. The study also revealed that 23 per cent of youngsters under the age of four are already overweight, which places Scotland second only to the United States in the worldwide obesity league.

It seems watching television has become a way of life for many young people across the globe. Research in America by the Kaiser Foundation has shown on average children and adolescents spend 22 to 28 hours per week viewing television, more than any other activity except sleeping. By the age of 70 they will have spent 7 to 10 years of their lives watching TV.

So why should we make those terrible teens turn off the box? Well, a recent study published in the journal Archives of Paediatrics and Adolescent Medicine shows that restricting hours used to TV viewing hours made for healthier and slimmer kids. The study found that children and young people with restricted viewing of the television ate on average 300 calories less per day than their telly obsessed counterparts. Surely the best excuse parents have had to reclaim the remote in years?

PROMENADE PUPS

2008-04-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Features

by Lou Hardless

Regular users of Portobello Promenade might well be familiar with the sight of obedient dogs under going training. These guide dogs, along with their handlers have been using the prom for the last seven years, since moving from Milton Road in Edinburgh to nearby coastal resort of Portobello.

Gavin Neate a Guide Dog mobility instructor, explains why Portobello was such a good base for Guide Dogs in Scotland, formerly known as Guide Dogs for the Blind:

"Originally the dog training centre was based in Forfar, which proved to be far from our main client group. In 2001, we relocated our services to Edinburgh and Hamilton, and expansion into the Borders and East & West Lothian is being planned for the future."

Portobello offers a wide variety of training areas for the dogs, with a number of key features they are likely to come across when they are eventually put to work. The busy High Street with it's pelican crossings, low and raised kerbs, along with the beach, buses and trains mean the animals will be well equipped to deal with whatever challenges they face when re-homed.

From young the dogs are socialised with families and other pets. At a year they begin eight months of basic training before moving onto more advanced levels. Once finished they are matched with suitable owners. Previous assessments and comprehensive training for both parties takes place, followed by yearly aftercare visits.

So when you see a guide dog out and about on their training exercises, do your best not to distract them.

LIGHTSPEED CHAMPION Q&A

2008-04-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Chris Hammond

Devonte Hynes is lead singer of Lightspeed Champion, one of the hottest indie acts in the UK. Adored by the NME and winning an ever growing legion of fans we managed to wangle half an hour with him whilst he hurtled through a 22 mile tunnel in Switzerland.

SquareOne: If you could pick one film as your favourite what would it be?

Devonte Hynes: “My favourite film would be the bowling comedy Kingpin with Woody Harrelson. I think it's one of the funniest films ever really. I can't even remember when I first saw it, I was probably thirteen or something but I've always thought it was really really good. I haven't seen it in a long time but I love the bits where Woody Harrelson is just shamed and down and out. I need to go re-buy it. I love that film”.

SQ1: What is the best performance you've ever been to?

DH: “When I was about fifteen I saw Every Time I Die play the Camden Underworld and it was one of the most mind-blowing things I've ever seen. Just these guys on stage giving it all they could, I've never seen anything like that and it took performance to a new level for me”.

SQ1: What’s your idea of a great book?

DH: “I've read Please Kill Me the punk history book a lot. But I'm more of a comic book man, I love David Boring by Daniel Clowes. I could probably recite it word for word. It's about a guy who likes perfect girls and it's just weird and completely amazing with lots of subplots”.

SQ1: What’s the best thing on TV?

DH: “Lost it's classic TV. It's the best thing on TV and it will probably be the best thing that ever is on TV. I'm holding my breath to see what's going to happen next. I need to stay up to date with it”.

SQ1: Your prediction for star of the future?

DH: “Martin Brignall of The Train Chronicles. He’s just recorded an EP, I’m not sure when it’s out but it’s going to be really good. The music is quite bluesy but in a good way not like a critics choice Brit Award way. He’s twenty five and I really hope he’ll be hitting the heights quite soon”.

SQ1: The entertainment gadget could you not cope without?

DH: “Probably my CD discman. I got on to iPods but I just find them annoying. I prefer the look of Cd's and I love being able to just look at the inlay. I've got a jog proof one now but I didn't in school. I had to invent a new way to walk so the tracks didn't skip”.

SQ1: What’s the best site on the web?

DH: “Superhero Hype. It's all about comics, movies and alternative TV. It's got news and gossip updates on it and it's my home browser, it’s pretty up to date every time I log on”.

PAIN BEFORE GAIN: THE EDINBURGH TRAMS

2008-04-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Chris Hammond

With the furore over the Edinburgh trams getting increasingly heated SquareOne caught up with a tram travelling expat Scot living in the Polish City of Wroclaw for his opinion.

Gregor Gowans is a part time music journalist and English teacher who has been living in Poland for nine months now. He knows Scotland like the back of his hand and is in a perfect position to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of the tram system in one of the biggest cities in central Europe. Does he, like so many people in Edinburgh agree that the trams are going to be detrimental in the long and short term?

“Well I know what Edinburgh is like, the traffic is hellish. It’s a really congested city and I can’t think anyone would really fancy driving around there. Thing is though Wroclaw is a much bigger city and just as busy but you just don’t get the same sort of problems over here and yeah that could well be down to the efficiency of the trams. They are cheap, clean and fast. I use them whenever I can.”

Gregor tells SquareOne the trams vary in age and are still dependant on the flow of traffic for making it to their stops on time. But he also thinks their status as environmentally friendly could work in their favour over here.

“There aren’t actually many routes the trams take but the ones they do use are much better than the buses. To be honest the other thing about them is that they are seen as environmentally friendly and as a real student city people seem to like this. I mean Edinburgh is pretty polluted right? You hardly see a bird in some parts of town. Wroclaw isn’t great either but trams are better than anything else in that respect”.

So without being in Edinburgh right now can Gregor appreciate the problems that are being caused by the introduction of the trams and does he think that the ends will justify the means?

“You know what it’s a little pain for a lot of gain. Petrol is going up in price and this is the time for other kinds of transportation. If a city can get away with it now then why not do it? Sure the commotion will cause problems and I don’t expect that the work will be quick but it’ll be worth it”.

Photo by Katie Lips

BREAKING NEWS: CYCLIST KILLED IN EDINBURGH

2008-04-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Pere Fornes

A cyclist was killed after he was hit by a lorry in Edinburgh city centre this morning according to police.

The 35 year-old man suffered serious injuries and died at the scene after the accident that happened on the corner of Nicolson and West Richmond Street at about 9.30am.

A police spokesman appealed for witnesses. He said: "An investigation is under way to establish the cause of the collision and the driver is assisting with inquiries."

Clerk Street was closed to traffic after the collision. This, combined with ongoing gas main works in the area brought traffic chaos to the surrounding streets. Police diverted traffic through Nicolson Square which caused problems for bus passengers around Surgeons' Hall.

SQUAREONE: SUMMER STYLE

2008-04-29T04:06:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Fashion

by Caitlin Rattray

The time has come to cast out our winter woollies, shed our layers and turn our attention to the trends that are emerging as this year's summer essentials; a selection of classic trends reworked for 2008:

Floral

Summer = flowers. Not exactly ground-breaking stuff you might think, but this year's offering is a little darker than the pale, flimsy floral of the past. Inspired by the Luella’s punky prints teamed with printed tees and laced up boots at London Fashion Week, the high street has firmly latched on, offering a selection of cute little numbers. Add black accessories; tights, belts, or better still, sling a skull and crossbones around our neck to put to rest any comparisons with Hyacinth Bucket.

Find it at: New Look

Nautical

Never really out of fashion, nautical is a god-send considering how easy it is to achieve. The key is not to go overboard (no pun intended) by dressing top to toe in a barrage of stripes and gold buttons thus running the risk of looking like Popeye. For a fresh take, mix it up with stars, to create an American influenced look courtesy of Chanel’s Paris shows. Go for navy as opposed to royal blue in striped tees, splashes of red. Any sort of naval headwear is strictly forbidden but blazers and straw bags are welcome additions.

Find it at: Topshop

Safari

A softly, softly take on the classic look has emerged as one of this season's favourite trends. This time around, the muted colour palette of the past - cream, beige, khaki and brown - has been mixed with floaty silks and chiffons to create a romantic take on safari. Go for belted khaki jackets and waistcoats, slouchy shorts, complete with a pair of well-bronzed pins. Accessorise with Gladiator sandals, lots of chunky wooden bangles, splashes of animal print and why not add a straw trilby in recognition of everybody’s favourite explorer.

Find it at: Gap

Photo by Camila Martins

OLYMPICS-A-HOY

2008-04-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

EXCLUSIVE

SquareOne Sports Feature

by Chris Mackie

The alpha male of the British track cycling team and in possession of (deep breath) nine world championship gold medals, two Commonwealth golds, an Olympic gold, Olympic silver and five World Championship silver medals, Chris Hoy recently led British cycling to unprecedented success at the World Championships held in Manchester. SquareOne caught up with him as he took a well deserved break after the competition.

Diplomatically fending off our gushing congratulations about the World Championship success, Hoy explains that his focus is now very much on the Olympics.

"I am just about to get back into training” he says. “I have done a few road rides and some light work but it is important to have a complete switch off, not just physically but mentally as well, because otherwise you will just plateau before the Olympics."
Having admitted to being something of a trainaholic in the past, Hoy has mixed feelings about resting.

"Initially the break is great but after three or four days you are itching to get back on the bike. And even though to an extent you can eat what you like, you begin to feel a bit lethargic and restless.”

Luckily, he doesn’t have to wait long to put that restlessness to use. The gruelling training schedule in the run up to the Olympics is imminent and he speaks surprisingly warmly of the often brutal sessions he faces in the coming weeks.

"The training we do is not so much about the volume, it is about the effort we expend in the session. We begin with strength work - a lot of work in the gym - then we move on to training that is more about power and speed, and then on to building up lactic tolerance, which is the worst."

Not for the faint hearted, this section of the schedule helps the athlete’s body form resistance to the pain caused by lactic acid. “The drills we do involve the static bikes in the lab” Hoy explains. We do a thirty second burst of effort followed by a one minute recovery. Basically you are creating a massive lactic acid build up followed by a short recovery time which means that when you start the next burst you still have lactic acid in your system.”

As the lazybones SquareOne winces, Hoy claims that the athletes don’t dread these sessions as much as you might think. "It is more that you know they (the sessions) are coming and it is always in the back of your mind. Every time you do that training it feels like the worst you have ever felt and in a funny way the fitter you are the harder that training is, because it is easier to get injured. For fifteen minutes afterwards the pain is really bad but then you come through it and, although you are still tired, you feel pretty good."

A relative veteran of two Olympics, Hoy says that the Olympic village is not all it is cracked up to be. “The village is a very pressurised and tense place before the games, so you don't want to spend too long there, but it is a great place to be when you are finished. Before the games there is huge tension and huge pressure on the athletes and coaches. Tempers can get frayed and the atmosphere can be not that pleasant."

Having been forced into a shift in events after the ludicrous decision to replace the 1km time trial with BMX on the Olympic roster, Hoy will be fighting on three fronts in Beijing. In a tight racing diary, he will compete in the team sprints, the keirin and the individual sprint in a five day period and is optimistic about his chances. "Realistically, the keirin is my best chance of wining" Hoy notes determinedly. "The team sprint will be the hardest because the French are so dominant. We have a very good chance of a medal but they are the favourites. We are in the ascendancy after our performance at the world championships and we are definitely improving. It will really shake up the French team if we beat them and it will give us a huge boost before the individual events."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnu9caTTgqc

Photo by johnthescone

YIPPEEKAYAY MURRAY WALKER!

2008-04-29T03:30:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Opinion

by Dave Hynes

Oh dear! Bruce Willis has allegedly been chosen to play the Formula One legend Murray Walker in a biopic about Michael Schumacher. It seems bad casting decisions “Die Hard” (oh dear! ED) as perhaps the worst A list actor working in Hollywood today looks set to spoil an otherwise potentially decent flick.

Alright, he might be okay when he’s in a vest fighting German terrorists, and he was okay in Pulp Fiction - but when have you ever watched a film and said: “wow that Bruce Willis is a versatile thespian.” Yeah, about as versatile as Sylvester Stallone! Put him in a boxing ring or a jungle, fair enough. But ask him to portray a deeply rich and complex character which captivates the audience at every whim? I’m sorry I just don’t reckon this thing can work.

Let’s see which actor/film mismatches would work the best . . .

What about Joe Pesci in a biopic of Tony Blair? I think I’d like a Mafioso vendetta between him and Gordon Brown, played of course by Gerard Depardieu. “Who da f_k you lookin at Gordon, what you think I’m funny how, like I’m a clown, like I f_king amuse you you fat f_k, I’ll demote you to Home Secretary you f_k, you fat f_k”. Reckon there’s an Oscar there somewhere.

Talking of Oscars; okay Stephen Fry, in the role nature intended him to play, did Mr Wilde some justice. But better than Vinnie Jones or John Wayne could do? Think of how the razor sharp wit would sound with that cockney gloss or the Duke’s cowboy temperament. Oscar would look good in his spurs, hand on his gun holster, trademark limp “I can resist anything but temptation”.

Arnie doesn’t seem to do much nowadays, even as the Governator of a state the size of western Europe, he could do good service to a film about Alex Salmond, “Hasta la vista Labour”- he could bench press his way through the political bits.

Okay maybe they’d make terrible films but Hollywood can throw up its own nightmarish mismatches. There have been times where certain actors and actresses simply do a stinking job! You have to ask what’s going on behind-the-scenes when they do the casting? Anyone who’s ever watched Jon Voight’s performance in Anaconda will know exactly what I mean. He made Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube positively shine. Christ, he made the anaconda look competent!

MAKING A NOISE

2008-04-29T02:24:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Features

by Lou Hardless

Edinburgh Music Studio and Rehearsal Suites

Verden Studio is situated on the site that once belonged to Scottish Power in the east side of the city. What initially looks like a collection of run down, semi derelict buildings from the front, takes on a whole new meaning when visited from the side entrance at Fishwives Causeway. The buildings walls are adorned with colourful graffiti artwork and the inside is equally as vibrant.

Since May 2004, this well established studio has built up its reputation in providing secure, reasonably priced and flexible premises with ready to use equipment. It has gone from offering one to six sound proofed practice rooms and opening times that suit a variety of schedules, from 12 midday through to 12 midnight, most week days and weekends.

This place seems to offers a host of options for budding music ‘stars’ . Its manager Fiona Raggatt, talked SquareOne through what was on offer; practice rooms, a multi track digital recording suit, gift vouchers for studio time – Verden Studio has everything for those ambitious enough to create and record their very own musical masterpiece.

The facility is used by both locals and those living further a field. It’s seen established and amateur musicians, theatre performers, and even hen parties - out to try something new and innovative in the form of producing their very own song. Verdan Studios say they are committed to providing Scottish musicians with a facility that genuinely seeks to offer what they want, and that is certainly what it appears to do.

www.verdenstudio.co.uk

RESTAURANT REVIEW: THE HERBE

2008-04-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Food

by Lou Hardless

Nestled between the back drop of traffic congestion, building development, the stream of workers and sleepy tourists, sits a charming little oasis tucked away from the chaos, noise and passers-by.

Herbe is a charming little restaurant that can be found on George IV Bridge. Its entrance suggests a small deli, but an elegant Rennie Macintosh style winding stair case takes you down into a snug, yet almost utilitarian, all-day diner come restaurant.

The friendly staff is efficient and helpful and more than happy to guide you through the various mouth watering options on the menu, catering for the most timid gastronomic right through to the connoisseur. Its ample wine list ranges from £10 to £80 per bottle, offering a fabulous range of choices.

Once ordered, a complimentary 'amuse-bouches' arrives in the form of marinated olives and crunchy falafels. The Gnocchi that followed had an interesting flare; it was not soggy or dry, but perfectly cooked with parmesan cheese toasted lightly on the top, giving it a slightly crunchy texture. Nestled beneath lay a bed of vegetables, a sweet and colourful addition.

Finally out came a heavenly and succulent chocolate dessert, covered in a thick dark sauce, that left my stomach groaning and a smile planted firmly on my face.

This wonderful place has the utterings of the Secret Garden; a restaurant that is part of the Witchery Group, hidden away, and only known to an exclusive few. But its edge must be the price, the food is truly unbelievable and remarkably, also very good value for money.

FILM OF THE WEEK: FLASHBACKS OF A FOOL

2008-04-28T01:06:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Alexa Brown

Flashbacks of a Fool is blonde Bond Daniel Craig's first stab at the old producing lark. And so, perhaps unfairly, you can't help but hold him slightly responsible for the feeling of perplexity as the credits roll at the end of his latest offering. It's not that the film is bad. On the contrary, in fact, the majority of its 113 minutes is thoroughly enjoyable, but you cannot fail to spend a lot of time wishing it along, almost in the same way one leans into corners on fantasy X-box car games which, ultimately, makes absolutely no bloody difference to the outcome.

The film (directed by Baillie Walsh) follows has-been actor Joe Scott who is wasting his life on drink, drugs and naked romps (any Daniel groupies will no doubt be kept happy simply by the opening sequence in which his nude buttocks feature prominently). Following the news that his old childhood friend Boots (Max Deacon) has died, along with a harsh reality check from his agent, Joe flees to the beach where he reflects on his childhood back in England, and where we see for the first time the loves, lies and tragedies that shaped his adult life.

Craig's portrayal of Cole is convincing but you can't help thinking that this is because the part is, basically, him. And not only that, but it's also not particularly different from the other parts he's played: robotic, straight faced, and pretty much lacking any emotion. The film is moving in parts, but this comes mostly from the heartbreaking flashbacks to Cole's teenage years, where the younger character is played by Harry Eden.

The ultimate problem with this film is the timing. It seems to take an age to get started and then, when it finally does, so little time is left for bringing the pieces together at the end that you leave the cinema feeling as though you're missing something. The friendship between Cole and his supposed best friend Boots is seriously underdeveloped, and the emotional scenes at the end feel rushed and not highly prioritised.

Despite all this, though, Flashbacks of a Fool will do well. It's stylish, well-written and captures well the nostalgia and pain of a difficult childhood. There is also a cracking, retro-style soundtrack to be enjoyed that moulds perfectly with the look of the film. Bryan Ferry fans – get yourselves along.

REVIEW: NEW FOUND SOUND

2008-04-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Katie Smyth

Being SquareOne’s regular theatre lovey’s a hard job but somebody’s got to do it. Interval wine, plush red velvet seats and schmoosing with Edinburgh’s theatrical darlings has become the name of the game, leaving gig reviews and all things hip to our very own Uncle Hammond. But in an attempt to “keep it real” and offer our avid readers a different perspective we’ve mixed it up with a little role reversal. So having cringed his way through a Nigel Havers production at the King’s Theatre earlier this month Hammond reaped his revenge, dragging me away from my carefully carved niche at the Lyceum to the Wee Red Bar for a night of electro rock.

Glam it isn’t but there’s something rather endearing about the sheer scumminess of the ECA’s cramped union. While the toilets are best not visited without a PhD in hygiene or detonation, the gin’s cold and there’s enough cute indie boys to keep the skinny jean industry in trade for the foreseeable future.

We were here for a showcase of fresh, up and coming new talent - eccentric enough to fit in with the 20 art students who formed the bulk of an intimate yet enthusiastic audience. So glow-sticked up we took our places for the first set by Juno, a band of naïve young pups with logo tee-shirts, obligatory uber-stylish haircuts and a distinct lack of bottoms.

There’s something to be said for the guts and tenacity of a band who keep playing even when they blatantly can’t handle their own technology. The truth is jumping and spinning like the proverbial whirling dervish does not mix with a tin-pot synth which spluttered and shrieked before throwing up half way through the first song. Not to be deterred Juno skilfully rearranged their rubix cubes, adjusted their fluorescent spectacles and kept on leaping. When all else fails resort to retro kid’s toys and maracas. Eventually the technology monkeys got the system up and running and we were treated to the soundtrack of a cheap Japanese porno, complete with a token Sesame Street sample. Definite crowd pleasers Juno’s insatiable energy and flamboyant dancing was reminiscent of a theatrical show.

Keeping with the theatrics theme the Futuristic Retro Champions opened their set with a display of frontwoman Cecelia’s knickers as she executed handstands to the evident joy of Manson, the band’s resident groupie. An eclectic mix of keyboard, bass, trumpet and a singer who fancies herself a bit of a Debbie Harry - FRC are cute and kitch, if a tad sloppy. The sound just wasn’t clean enough with a bit too much going on, especially the orgasmic screaming in “DIY Lovesong.”

Following the antics of the first two groups Weegie headliners Kobai were left a mere 15 minutes to show the others how it’s done. The ethereal Placeboesque voice of the lead singer was beautifully juxtaposed by the hairy yetis moshing and headbanging on the synths and keyboards. Starting rocky, the set crescendoed through cow bells, finishing with a track verging on classic techno that left you reminiscing about the glory days of Underworld and making shapes in a dodgy back alley club in Prague. Finally the glow-sticks were explained.

A 10pm curfew cut short one great and two mediocre sets and we left Manson deciding which FRC girl, (or boy) to sleep with tonight with ringing ears and a healthy interest in Kobai’s prospects.

INTERVIEW: BARRINGTON STOKES PUBLISHERS 2

2008-04-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Features

by Karen Combe

Part Two

Crime writers and male interest subjects seem to dominate the 2007 catalogue somewhat, but Murray insists this is what reader's want: "It just so happens that the authors who are interested in us are crime writers, and we are looking for good authors. Ninety per cent of our readers are male, so many of our titles do have male leading characters. But we do have some titles such as No More Victims by Natasha Cooper and One Mistake by Joanna Hines, with female leading characters that will appeal to all readers."

Zanily titled gr8reads, for ages 12-16 but with a reading age below eight, deals sensitively with the grown up issues of pregnancy, love and serious illness. But in Deadline, by John Townsend, a terrorist intent on blowing up a plane en route to Washington with a portable anti-aircraft missile system gets his comeuppance and ends up well and truly splattered, definitely a story with a moral.

Classics are beginning to appear to balance out the range and exciting themes continue to keep reluctant readers interested. Murray is very keen to push forward in this direction and says: "This is a project we approached in conjunction with City Literature earlier this year. Robert Louis Stevenson's Kidnapped was adapted into a graphic novel by comic artist Cam Kennedy (better known for his work on Batman), with writing partner Alan Grant and was really well received. The next classic Jekyll and Hyde will be even better. It's got the perfect story for us and is it's due out in 2008."

They are pleased to say that their books are reviewed on a level playing field alongside mainstream books and Brown is clear about their position in the publishing world. "We were the Independent Children's Publisher of the year in 2006 and the books and the company are always received well. We do have much smaller book runs compared with large publishers, and are not seen as competition as we are a specialist publisher with schools constituting a quarter of our market. We don't accept unsolicited manuscripts, though people do send them in believing it is easy to write in this style."

Barrington Stoke continue to flourish, and unlike most other publishers are not restrained by what publishing guru Steve Ferris refers to as 'fashion, trends and crazes.' No doubt in their tenth anniversary year they will continue to forge ahead in their own unique direction. Murray says: "To celebrate our anniversary we are having a bumper publishing year with a new series Solo for really struggling readers and extra print runs from all our ranges. We will back at the Edinburgh Festival again with a theme relating to our new projects and of course we will be having a big party."

Seven of their authors are long listed for various prestigious book awards including James Lovegrove, author of Kill Swap, who is long listed for the Manchester book award 2008, will be celebrating too.

STAR WARS EPISODE SEVEN: ATTACK OF THE ALCOHOLICS

2008-04-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Opinion

by Dave Hynes

SquareOne daft news instalment I feel your presence.

A "chronic alcoholic" Welshman has attacked two Star Wars fans whilst he was dressed as the dreaded Darth Vader. Yes dressed in bin bags and Vader mask Arwel Wynne Hughes decided to vent his fury on some unsuspecting sci-fi-phile wackos. They weren’t just any Star Wars fans either, but founding fathers of the Jedi Church. Sometimes they write themselves.

Well of course he’s excused from any SquareOne recrimination; we’ve seen and heard much worse in our own office, so let’s celebrate him instead. Get a vivid mental picture of Episode Seven; Attack of the Alcoholics. Inebriated Welshman are a fearsome bunch at the best of times but even more scary when dressed as an evil intergalactic warmonger weilding a crutch and yelling "I’ll get you Skywalker boyo".

Still, this is strange, even for that odd little part of the galaxy. The valleys have been home to some renowned wacko’s before, but this might just take the biscuit; Arwel Wynne Hughes, from Holyhead, can’t even remember the attack and only found out about it after reading the next morning’s paper! Now I’ve had some shocking flashbacks in my time and committed some truly grave faux pas, but this one still has to be beaten. Still, humiliation damns whereas humility sanctifies, and in his defence he was ….. wellied!

As for the church? Well it seems to be a breeding ground for some strange form of nerdish sci-fi terrorism. Regular sermons on the ‘force’, light sabre practicing and meditation techniques being just some of the more unusual practices. What is it about Star Wars which gets people so excited anyway? It hardly ranks with classics like Police Academy 1-9 but there are an outstanding 70,000 Australian subscribers to this same Jedi religion. Madness.

Photo by Pingüim na Janela

GIRLS VS BOYS PART TWO

2008-04-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Katie Smyth

Katie’s Lads’ Film Reviews

Popcorn? Check. Pringles? Check. Kingsize box of tissues? Check. For years now I’ve been adept at putting together the perfect combination for a girlie night in. From the age of ten me and my girls have laughed and cried our way through about every rom-com released more and more with Bridget. So imagine my dismay when my fellow SquareOne monkey Hammond challenged me to a trilogy of macho, gore-filled DVDs. Having grown up the only girl with a pile of boy cousins I’ve seen my fair share of lads’ films but it’s been quite an achievement to reach my 23rd year without seeing the Alien trilogy. So without further ado here’s my female trip through the cannon of blokes’ tinsel-town.

Aliens

Starring: Sigourney Weaver and Michael Behn

Ellen Ripley wakens up after a 57 year hypersleep to discover she has to foot the bill for the last space ship she blew up. Trouble is no one’s willing to accept it was all done in the name of saving mankind from an unknown life-form and in the meantime have colonised the rock where the original hoo-ha kicked off. So when it all hits the fan and contact is lost with the colonials Ripley’s called back to kick some alien butt. In a film where the men are butch and women butcher this outstanding piece of 80s third-wave feminism will have you desperate to burn your bra, don a hideous jumpsuit and grab the closest flamethrower to hand. Brilliant, but couldn’t Ripley and Hicks please just get it together?!

Beerfest

Starring: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme and Paul Soter

Described in the blurb as “coarse, crass and crude,” Beerfest is a truly revolting insight into male binge drinking at its worst. Two American brothers rock up at Oktoberfest to scatter the ashes of their Bavarian grandfather, and in the ensuing chaos manage to expose every breast in sight and majorly piss off “ze Germans.” Vowing to return next year to drink the krauts under the table they recruit a Jewish nerd, fat hick and troubled rent boy, and belch their way through the next twelve months. Employing every racial stereotype in the book this two hour package of filth highlights everything that’s wrong with giving an American a keg.

Master and Commander

Starring: Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany

If there’s one thing Russell Crowe can do it’s testosterone-fuelled action hero but minus the leather “Gladiator” body armour and nippy crew cut he disappoints in this Napoleonic romp. Chasing a French man-of-war around Cape Horn in 1815 Captain Crowe drags his motley crew through battle, tempest and weevil-infested biscuits until they finally find port in the Galapagos. Though packed with cannon fire and amputations a-plenty Master and Commander never loses the niggling feeling that this is just second-rate Hornblower with a craggier, less pretty protagonist than Ioan Gruffadd. Though Bettany plays a convincingly sensitive foil to Crowe’s alpha male as the ship’s doctor the overall impression is undercut by wooden acting, poor plot and overly ambitious graphics.

GIRLS VS BOYS PART ONE

2008-04-27T02:43:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Chris Hammond

Hammond's Chick Flick Reviews

Chick flicks, the very thought of them brings back long suppressed memories of ex-girlfriends, Sunday night television before digital arrived and cinemas smelling like The Body Shop. Eager to see if my opinion had mellowed in my old age, I perhaps unwisely, challenged Katie to a lads vs ladies DVD duel. Selecting for her a historical war epic, gory sci-fi and depressingly crass comedy, I thought I had the upper had . . . till I saw what was in store for me!

Bridget Jones’s Diary

Starring: Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth

Zellweger plays a frumpy blonde who for some reason is romantically torn between uber-cad Grant and creepy, permanently morose Firth. Mishap follows mishap, occasionally raising a smile or chuckle. There’s a fight, not a very good one but a scrap nevertheless, some decent one liners and the occasional surprise cameo. And then it ends! Too soon? Not really .

For the record she should go for Hugh Grant every time . . .

The Devil Wears Prada

Starring: Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt and Meryl Streep

Ostensibly nothing more than an advert for impractical clothing and bad acting, The Devil Wears Prada is also duller than a week in the jail. For starters it’s pretty difficult to comprehend any film that requires sex on legs Anne Hathaway to say “I am not skinny or glamorous” in the first five minutes. The ‘story’ then revolves around Hathaways attempts to please her lukewarm employer Streep whilst trying to ‘keep it real’. If I’d been directing, the final scene would have involved a lorry ploughing into the tedious lot of them. But of course as a fish out of water feel good drama everything ends well for everyone. Utter s_t.

Footloose

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Lori singer and John Lithgow

Veering from camp to serious and back again this all dancing tale of religious repression, violence against women and bad hair is the ultimate in racy 80’s trash teen cinema. Kevin Bacon plays a brooding, hip, city hoodlum trying to boogie the night away with the local skirt. Things don’t go to plan though because first he must un-ban dancing. One thing that can be said in favour of Footloose is that it confirms to the world that if you wanna get the girl you’ve gotta be able to jive like a prat, kick the crap out of rival alpha males and generally act like a total prick. Profound.

FOOD FIT FOR A FELON

2008-04-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Edinburgh Sheriff Court Rooftop Restaurant

Edinburgh Sheriff Court’s innards resemble a throw away polystyrene set from the original Star Wars films, whilst its loitering denizens wouldn’t look out of place as extras. Everywhere you glance, bug eyed belligerents, swarm in packs around their beastly brethren, how much fun George Lucas would have had casting them is anyone’s guess.

Court reporting is depressingly odious, sitting there constantly having to hear that the likes of Jimmy McBuckfast can’t come in because he’s taken some drugs or Kelly McTeenpregnancy has slept in must be soul destroying for the victims, and more importantly idle journalists. One case follows another and before you know it you have to exit, if only to be able to breathe the air of civilised human beings. Then you clock it, a wall mounted placard suggested that you “dine at our brilliant Rooftop Restaurant.”

Rooftop it might be, restaurant perhaps but brilliant it was not. You have to jostle your way towards the self service area and enter the fray in a vain attempt to secure yourself some nourishment. Today’s most popular dish seems to be a square slab of meat in a bun, yum. After having the aforementioned lumped onto a stone cold plate you have to then battle with jaded solicitors to make use of a glorious metal shoebox which dispenses half cups of fake coffee.

Tables are few and far between in this eatery so sharing isn’t so much an option as a given. Opposite sits a skin headed fellow in army fatigues eating an egg roll whilst wearing leather gloves. Was this to be his last meal before sentencing? Was this the last civilised feed he’d have before a life of cigarette smuggling, lights off at eight and slopping out took over? You could barely hazard a guess.

Anyway down to the food. The square sausage is gristly, salty and has a texture not dissimilar to a brillo pad. You can’t bite into it for fear of losing a tooth so the consumption exercise is one of gnawing. Ketchup with the consistency of blood can’t even mask the fact that this isn’t suitable food for a human being. Worse yet is the roll which has been half toasted for what appears to be no other reason than to hide the fact it’s stale.

They are promoting Australian themed cuisine throughout the month. What this entails you can’t even begin to imagine. Does Australia have cuisine worthy of mention? The only explanation for this culinary promotion that seems feasible is that the kitchen staff are trying to get those yet to be condemned familiar with the sort of foodstuffs they’ll have to endure after their deportation to the colonies.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE VOLUNTEER ARMS

2008-04-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Booze

by Dave Hynes

So, still near the bottom(ish) of Leith Walk I volunteered to twist my arm for a pint at a new abode. The smoker’s outside seemed content enough to brave the cold and I always reckon you can tell a lot about a pub by looking at the smoker’s outside. These ones were old, cold and big Hibs men - I was later told. Better than Jambo’s I guess!

I felt more secure in a Scots accent, which I’m beginning to get good at, to order my drinks and say ‘areyt pal’ to the outside smokers; ‘hello chaps’ might have aroused suspicions of the auld enemy.

There were a few rough looking blighters propping up the bar, especially a man with the strangest nose I’ve ever seen; sort of like a pinnochio with a terrible cold. He was jovial but completely s_t-faced and I was terrified he might sneeze at one point.

The pub itself looks okay inside, with a real delight of a bar. A huge glass panel reflects the great variety of spirits available and three huge TV’s seemed happy enough to show the horse races. The punters seemed a betting lot, with most conversation directed towards the big screens. It felt quite cosy at first but the charm wore off after all of ten minutes.

The Volunteer Arms might be a decent pub if the punters ever seemed to win anything on the races; but non-stop news about betting odds and increasingly frantic old men screaming in your ears almost drives you into the unforgiving arms of The Central.

The best thing, though, about this pub was the rather gorgeous little angel behind the bar who seemed strangely unreceptive to my charms. She is very sexy, and if you volunteer to go to this pub and she’s not there, I’m sorry, because there ain’t too much else to see.

Would I volunteer to go in again? Would a certain alcoholic philanthropy drive me towards the bosom of this s_t-hole? Would an altruistic love of Leith and its insatiable desire to sustain s_t pubs let me recommend this one to you? Noooooooo, it’s s_t, and more than that, it’s typical Leith Walk old man crap where the pub is the same as the one they’d celebrated victories at Bannockburn in.

Not a great one this I’m afraid. Still, if that barmaid had liked me . . . might let them know in the next pub I’m a cheeky reviewer, get them to water down my drink a bit less.

GOING IT ALONE

2008-04-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Sport

by Pere Fornes

In the run up to the Olympic games, arguments about whether to have a GB football team are being called into question by Scotland's SNP leadership who want a separate national team competing at the events.

But if Scotland participated as a independent sporting nation in the next Olympic games would it be the first time this has happened? The answer is no. 100 years ago a Scottish hockey squad played as a separate entry in the London Olympic Games and won a bronze medal.

Scottish hockey historian Ernie Wall said: “Scotland gained the honour of playing in the first-ever men’s hockey Olympic match on October 29 1908, and also recording the first Olympic goals and victory in defeating Germany by 4-0.”

The reason for the split was that if Britain had participated as one country, there would have been only two rivals - France and Germany, Wall added: “The British Olympic Committee suggested that, to make a proper tournament, the other three Home Countries should be asked to participate.”

Scotland lost the semi-finals against England 6-1 with Ireland getting to the final after beating Wales by 3-1. The Scottish squad refused to stay another night to play Wales for the third place and both teams shared the bronze medals at the official dinner. The gold was won by England who thrashed the Irish by 8-1 in the final.

Wall concluded: “To finish the story of Scotland’s one and only appearance in the Olympics as a separate nation, the S.H.A. Council, which met in late November 1908, made no mention at all of the event! In the report to the 1909 A.G.M., the event is curtly dismissed in one sentence. Such was the tenor of the times.”

TARTENED UP

2008-04-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Atholl Simpson

What do the FBI, a famous Russian family and Chinese dignitaries all have in common? No, this is not the beginning of a rather questionable joke nor is it another conspiracy theory. The answer is a kilt, or to be more precise, tartan.

These distinctive organisations and groups all have their own registered tartan, which has been recognised and approved by the Scottish Tartan Authority.

There is no requirement that stops groups from having their own tartan according to the authority’s Director, Brian Wilton. Neither Scottish blood nor Scottish connections are necessary, although it must be a unique design which is used.

“Quite a few people come with their own ideas, but a lot of them ask us to design them,” Wilton told SquareOne. “Tartan is the only design in existence into which you can include personal significance. A lot can be incorporated into it.”

One example is a tartan Wilton designed for a famous Russian family called the Lermontov’s. After discovering they had Scottish descendants they wanted their own tartan to be made. Wilton used the colours from their Coat of Arms to create the design, incorporating into it the blue and white from the Scottish flag. Many people from all over the world are very keen to have their own tartan.

“There is a huge interest. The Scots have a tremendous reputation worldwide for being hard working, creative and having strong family ties. Although these might be a bit outdated, by choosing a tartan they are aligning themselves with the strengths that Scots are known for.”

Recently he created tartan designs for the O2 company but has also developed many for the US military including the American Navy submarine hunters, who when asked by Wilton why they wanted their own tartan, told him that although they have no Scottish connections, they feel like a big family.

From November of this year the government will finally participate in the registration process after years of campaigning by the Scottish Tartan Authority. Before this decision, the authority had been ‘de facto’ the official register. The change will mean that all the past, present and future tartan designs will be kept in an official government database in the National Archives of Scotland, which is something that did not exist before. The authority will still be heavily consulted according to Wilton, and will still be in charge of the registering for some time to come.

“It’s only in recent years that the economic and cultural value of the tartan has come to be recognised and protected. It’s good news for us!”

MARCHMONT BROTHEL REVEALED

2008-04-24T03:30:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Katie Smyth

Residents of Edinburgh's Southside have reacted with mixed feeling to the confirmation that a local sauna is a front for brothel.

The New Gentle Touch of Argyle Place, Marchmont poses as a massage parlour but its main trade is in prostitution. "We have the sauna and of course we do sex, £50 for a half hour, £70 for an hour," the proprietor, who wished to remain anonymous, told SquareOne.

Her statement ends years of conjecture which have surrounded The New Gentle Touch since it’s arrival in middle-class Marchmont. Eileen Dickson, spokeswoman for the Marchmont St Giles branch of the Church of Scotland Ladies' Guild said: "When it opened there was great trepidation. Everyone knew it was a brothel." However another Guild member who lives on Warrender Park Terrace, was shocked to discover this establishment exists in the neighbourhood.

Their concern coincides with that of Lothian and Borders Police who launched a new team in September 2005 to tackle exploitation and prostitution. In a press release at the time, Assistant Chief Constable Tom Halpin said, "We will be looking at people who are being lured over to this country on false pretences … Prostitution … is an area that we will be particularly focussing on."

David Anderson, barman at the Argyle pub, accepts the presence of a brothel in Argyle Place: "When it first came there was a lot of nose-turning, but now it is just one of those things. The most concerning thing is having Sick Kids and Sciennes Primary school down the road. The mothers are passing it with their kids all the time."However, he claimed The Gentle Touch does bother the people who live in the houses opposite it and one woman left the area after her public protest proved futile.

Despite certain practices surrounding prostitution's continued illegality in Britain other traders in Argyle Place were unconcerned by the confirmation of The Gentle Touch's status. Florist Monica Higgins said, "I don't have a problem with it. It's very discreet. I'm sure if there was a real problem the local bobbies would be on to it because we're a very close-knit community."

A year on from the Ipswich murders the general consensus in Marchmont is that it is safer if prostitutes operate from brothels. David Anderson said, "it takes it off the streets so it's not downgrading the area. Once you get prostitutes on the streets you then get drug-dealers. This way is better because it's regulated."

FILM OF THE WEEK: POLTERGAY

2008-04-24T03:13:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Lou Hardless

When love struck Marc (Clovis Cornillac) and Emma (Julie Depardieu) move into their dream house, they find it occupied by disco-queen poltergeists in what is an ambitious but dismal attempt at interlinking different aspects of people's lives with the
past and present.

The subject matter comes across as being extremely naive and dated, and a combination of flares, crappy dancing and 70s tunes only add to the headache that's forming. Though starting off with a fair bit of potential, the film loses its way before long with the storyline ending up all over the place. Worse still, some plot aspects have already been done to death, pardon the pun. Poor editing may also leave viewers wondering what it was all about as badly positioned subtitles only add to the agony.

I was however a little intrigued as to which audience group this film is pitched at, but on reflection it's hard to say - perhaps its humour was lost in translation?

INTERVIEW: BARRINGTON STOKES PUBLISHERS

2008-04-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Karen Combe

Part One

Reading is fun! Not many people would start up a company just to share this particular secret, but founders of Barrington Stoke, specialist publishers for struggling readers did exactly that in 1996. "Teachers, Patience Thomson and her daughter-in-law publisher Lucy Juckes, started the company in Lucy's front room," says Fiona Brown, marketing manager for trade at the company. "Patience's son Ben, married to Lucy, has severe dyslexia and because of their background and experience, they noticed there were few exciting books available for struggling readers, and were inspired to do something about it."

Thomson and Juckes have definitely surpassed their goal to provide, age appropriate, stylishly written books for reluctant readers. One and a half million of their books have been read by readers who may otherwise have had nothing to read, other than some very basic books aimed at younger children.

Nearly ten years later the Edinburgh company is no longer in Juckes' front room, but in the basement of a grand New Town terrace. The small open plan office is jam packed full of books and busy publishers working in close proximity, accentuating the company's family atmosphere. Brown share's the office with assistant editor Lisa Murray and editorial assistant Vicky Rutherford and marketing assistant for schools, Katherine Nish. All of whom are almost obscured from view by vast piles of books on their desks. They are part of an industrious team behind the books and behind the desks, not usually in the limelight.

Murray's enthusiasm and passion in her role is apparent as she explains their publishing process. "We approach writers through their agents and they write the book as they would do any other, then our language editors set to work making the language accessible for our readers and arrange the text to encourage a smooth and easy read. The books are printed on high quality off-white paper which is restful on the eye."

Attention to detail is apparent throughout the process and in a scheme unique to Barrington Stoke, the first people to get their hands on the manuscripts are the readers. Brown explains how writers must run the gauntlet of their reader's careful analysis: "We send them the manuscripts and they mark passages that they particularly like and underline words they have difficulty with. All the reviews are sent to language editors along with the collated marked up sheets. So far we have had pretty much positive feedback. We do this with every single book including adult books."

Brown produces a review, of The Vampire Grange by Terry Deary, from a schoolgirl in Fife. A gentle critique perhaps, but she is only eight: "It was bit scary. I thought Tom and Alice were quite funny when Alice pretended to be bleeding."

Sixteen year olds might find the books in the new adult list, launched in August, too raw. Murray wrinkles her nose in mock horror as she imagines what would happen if crime writer Alan Guthrie's latest novella, Kill Clock, was placed in the children's section in bookshops by mistake:

"She was maybe in her early 30s. Tiny, slim, delicate, pale, dyed blond hair. She wasn't bad looking if you are into the crack whore look," writes Guthrie cheerfully. "We print Barrington Stoke below the title on the spine of the books to ensure that a novel such as Kill Clock is placed in the Scottish fiction section just in case there are any mistakes," says Murray.

BOOZY BRIT SEEKS BELGIAN BLONDE

2008-04-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Booze

by Chris Hammond

Come May and June, even with the typically random nature of British weather, you can guarantee at least one or two days of reasonable sunshine. And with sunshine comes a stampede for barbecue friendly foods and icy cold beer. That’s what summer is all about, isn’t it?

As jet setting holiday goers are becoming increasingly adventurous, sales figures are suggesting that the days of warm English bitter of a balmy sun soaked eve are long gone. These days boozy Brits are hitting the stronger continental head splitters with aplomb. Recent reports indicate that after 40 years of lager being the undisputed tipple of choice, sales of Belgian specialty beers have risen by 30% in the past year, six times the rate of traditional bestsellers, including lagers and real ales.

One of the new favourites for those of us partial to a wee tipple is a blonde Belgian beast called Leffe, a strong straw coloured number with a not too shabby 6.6% ABV. For the British drinker who is used to a more neutered volume, beers like Leffe inevitably represent a faster path towards destination inebriation.

However tempting a few cold beers on those scant sunny days may be, health groups are warning sun worshippers they are at serious risk from dehydration if they ditch the H20 in favour of some hop laden, high volume, headache in a glass. If you aren’t painting the streets with sick due to over consumption, it could be down to dehydration. Signs of dehydration include light-headedness and dizzy spells, so are often masked, as the same symptoms are synonymous with feeling drunk.

So enjoy the finest imports from our EU buddies, indulge in a bit of sun worshipping, but be careful not to take things too far. Drink plenty of water, stay in the shade and watch what you imbibe, there can be too much of a good thing. Drunkenness and dehydration won’t just make you unwell, the worst case scenario will see you bed bound whilst your friends enjoy the last few days of cloud free skies till May 2009.

PLAYING YOUR WAY OUT OF WEDLOCK

2008-04-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Atholl Simpson

Online gambling and networking sites are causing more and more marriages to break up due to spouses amassing major debts or reuniting with long lost loved ones, according to top divorce lawyers.

“If the husband or partner is into gambling online, then it can suck them into a world where they don’t engage anymore,” said Peter Thomas, a divorce solicitor from The Law Practise. “And it can have a devastating effect.”

One recent case involved a city worker that had built up a debt of more than £100,000 over many years, using different online gambling sites to spread his debt. Once his partner found out, she filed for divorce using his dire financial circumstances as grounds to prove unreasonable behaviour on his behalf.

“Some people would rather spend time on the internet than spend time with their partner,” said Conrad Adams, divorce solicitor for Cumberland Ellis, told SquareOne. According to Mr Adams internet accessibility and the promise of instant gratification is what draws people to it. Most people can use it at home but also during their normal working day since most workplaces and companies are completely computerised. There is almost instant access to the web, allowing people to escape the real world for a virtual one in which they forget that normal rules apply.“Internet gives them an instant buzz that they don’t get in real life,” he said.

The number of divorce cases involving the internet has also been growing with the increasing popularity of online networking sites such as Friends Reunited or Facebook. Adams said they have helped partners get back in touch, either intentionally or by accident, with ex-girlfriends or old teenage flames. In many cases internet flirtation has led to an extra-marital affair and the subsequent break up of a marriage.

Thomas, from The Law Practise, told SquareOne he had even come across a case where a married man was engaged in a online relationship with another woman. His wife used the evidence on his hard drive to prove adultery and win her divorce plea.

“The internet can bring inclusion in social networking and in provision of knowledge,” said Hazel Wright, from The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships in London, “but if misused by addictive personalities, it has a potential for huge damage to personal relationships.”

Despite these findings, both the solicitors and the help centre agreed that these are just new and modern ways to justify a divorce.They only highlight a problem that probably already existed within the relationship.

LIFE AFTER GENOCIDE

2008-04-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Kate Smail

Mary Blewitt lost over 50 members of her family in the Rwandan genocide. Her brother John had his leg hacked off and bled to death in front of his wife and children. Only her young niece survived. She clambered her way out of the mass grave she and her family had been dumped in, and ran to her Hutu friends for help. They returned to the grave, slaughtered any remaining survivors and raped her. One year on, Mary sifted through the 200 decaying bodies in that mass grave to look for her relatives, and reburied them one by one.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about Mary's story, is that in the context of Rwanda, it isn't that remarkable.1 million people were murdered over 100 days during the Rwandan genocide of 1994. Men, women and children, mostly Tutsi's, were slaughtered by their Hutu friends and neighbours. Over 25,000 women were raped and deliberately infected with HIV and AIDS.

Horror on such an unimaginable scale is almost impossible to comprehend. It is hard to see how anyone could rebuild their life after such inconceivable tragedy. Mary has managed to not only rebuild hers, but that of countless others through her work as the founder and director of SURF Survivors Fund. SURF has helped those left behind, the orphans and widows, with everything from healthcare and education, right through to giving people an outlet for their grief and allowing their stories to be heard.

However, Mary explained to us why she is stepping back from her role at SURF this October, and why her new project, a Ugandan Spa, is to be her biggest challenge yet.

Speaking exclusively to Square One News, Mary said: "I've lived and breathed genocide for the last 14 years. Whatever I do with SURF is a reminder of losing my family. SURF has been great in dealing with practical day to day things, housing, education and healthcare. However, what the survivors need now is a space where they can escape the genocide, even if only for an afternoon."

"I've bought some land in Uganda and am going to open a spa. It will provide for paying customers, but also as a retreat for survivors of the genocide, who will be able to come and use the facility for free on designated days. I want to offer people a different way of dealing with their pain."

"Nobody is telling these survivors that life can move on, that it's ok to be happy. I want to create somewhere that gives people the space to deal with the trauma they have experienced. The spa will offer survivors the chance to do something that is just for them, a massage or a facial, something that lets them know it's ok to love yourself."

Mary hopes that by training locals in techniques such as massage and alternative therapies, they in turn will be able to teach other survivors, who will then be able to set up businesses and therefore help more people.

When asked what she wants the spa to achieve, Mary replies simply: "I want people to know there is life after genocide."

For more information on SURF visit www.survivors-fund.org.uk

MEAT MONARCH?

2008-04-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Food

by Chris Hammond

Gaudy, miserable and architecturally grotesque the initial aesthetics of Burger King leave a lot to be desired - and this is just the outside. Inside it’s busy, fully booked if you will and there’s a queue for service stretching right back to the door. And it’s whilst waiting that it grimly dawns on you that everyone round about has a very visible problem. Obese, scruffy, delinquent, psychotic even; it’s the advert for the human race mankind’s marketing department pulled. Someone has also trundled in an impressive amount of dog pooh. It snakes along the floor like a disgusting snail trail, whilst gormless minions of the corporate culinary colossus look at it with expressions of bemusement.

As the queue slowly dissipates and ordering is but moments away gag reflexes are tested further when you move uncomfortably close to the bald acne riddled cranium of the customer straight in front of you. Though horrified, curiosity takes over and shuffling closer to him you listen in as he orders: “Can I have a double whopper, no lettuce, no sauce, no nothing”. One can only assume he would later dispose of the buns and lather his visage in the grease of the congealing monstrosity handed over to him in an effort to cultivate his not unimpressive collection of swelling pussy plukes.

Whist the act of ordering might be traumatic, the eating process could bring a grown man to tears. The dining area looks like an open plan airport canteen. Huddled bodies sit in silence picking over their meals whilst a rather proper looking older lady prowls the ghastly linoleum floor with a clip board and hint of menace. The food is lukewarm, almost certainly cooked an hour ago and visibly as stimulating as Vanessa Feltz in a thong. It does contain meat however and it appears to have been flame grilled as advertised – but what type of meat? Racoon? Worse still is the cheese, lathered on like some sort of florescent paint it clings to the burger in a cloying sickly embrace.

Trying to wash away the stagnant taste with your drink is pointless, because the cup you receive at the counter is no more than a container for ice cubes. As you watch the flaccid asbo-collecting clientèle gorge on the plastic masquerading as food misanthropy descends. If hell were a restaurant it wouldn’t look too dissimilar to this; though something tells me anything flame grilled there would be a damn site more appetising.

THEATRE REVIEW: TRUMPETS AND RASPBERRIES

2008-04-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Katie Smyth

Rosa Brodie is having a bad time of it. It has been months since her husband Tony left her to take up jogging and wheatgerm with twenty years younger Lucy, “The Bitch,” and a relentless course of voodoo and book collecting have so far failed to return her beloved. Then one day Rosa is called on to identify the charred body of her rogue hubbie, so badly disfigured in a terrorist skirmish which led to his boss’ abduction, that only his “wee ears” are recognisable. But hope remains. A team of talented surgeons led by an eccentric German with a penchant for sedatives, sepositories and socialist women set about rebuilding Tony’s mangled face using the tissue from his buttocks.

All starts swimmingly and on the long road to recovery the former Fiat worker and union rep even extends his vocabulary to include “astronaut” and “concupiscence,” much to the frustration of his sloganeering spouse. The problem is he simply cannot recognise the woman he now calls madam as his wife. Matters are further complicated when a stranger with an identical face turns up and the investigation into Sir John Lamb’s abduction draws uncomfortably close.

In this intriguing, skillfully characterised McAvoy adaptation, The Lyceum masterfully transposes Dario Fo’s Italian farce to an Edinburgh sometime in the near future. Here David Cameron is Prime Minister, Paris Hilton a US senator and vibrating trams lend furniture a life of their own. Infidelity, mistaken identity and the ramblings of rehabilitation leave the audience gasping for breath in this rumbustious romp. Never has a meat grinder caused so many shoulders to shake, as the hapless Rosa force feeds Tony sausage through his nose. An inspired climax to the Lyceum’s impressive season.

Trumpets and Raspberries is showing at Edinburgh's Royal Lyceum until Sat 10 May

CHALLENGE DAVE: BODA BAR

2008-04-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Booze

by Dave Hynes

Wow! I’m impressed…seriously impressed. I think I owe you Leithers an apology; this is amongst the very best bars in Edinburgh - and I mean that. It's an unimposing and most- welcoming little haven resting unobtrusively about midway up Leith Walk and it would surely make any serious shortlist of Scotland’s best pubs.

The Boda is a bohemian little boozer, apparently with a subtle Swedish twist. It serves great beer in a great atmosphere; it’s upbeat, urbane and completely juxtaposed to the s_t which surrounds it. Instead of waving a white flag, surrendering to the overwhelming barrage of dourness present in many Leith pubs, it more than hold it's own. It quite stubbornly refuses to be a s_t pub, refuses so far in fact that it is an absolute gem hidden in the Walk of drinking woe.

The clientele are absolutely great; they seem to be mostly Leithers who refuse the usual serving of Leithness. On entering I overheard a happy-go-lucky young man trying to chat up a real stunner; "yeah we just sound like any other indie band". I knew I’d finally arrived in a Leith pub I could actually look forward to going into, with gorgeous women and only chat lines like that to compete with, Boda is like a great Swedish blond; a joy to be inside.

And talking about aesthetics, there is also an Aussie blonde bombshell barmaid who keeps the laughs going through the night, a true Boadicea but about ten times better looking. The barman is great too, really likeable, doubtless he'll not find employment anywhere else in the area.

The Boda also has the best music in town with chilled out funky tunes to keep your head nodding and your tail wagging throughout the day. But most of all though it’s the attitude of Boda which shines through the most. It’s attitude to being a pub on Leith Walk, its reaction against the homogeneity of its competitors, its ability to run a damn good pub and its ‘make sure you come back’ essence which simply puts the Boda on a pegging all of its own. BODAcious indeed.

CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH?

2008-04-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Pere Fornes

The new Public Health Scotland bill which will update health laws dating back to 1889 passed stage one of its ratification yesterday at Holyrood.

Health professionals have been working under rules that date back to the Public Health Act 1897 and the Infectious Diseases Notification Act 1889. The new bill is geared towards dealing with threats which have emerged in recent years.

The bill outlines the duties of health professionals to notify authorities when they suspect that a patient has a contagious disease. Infections cause a quarter of all illnesses in the world and they account for 10% of deaths in the UK. Old threats such as tuberculosis, that were thought to be eradicated, are re-emerging whilst there is a threat of infectious diseases and contamination being spread through terrorist attacks.

The legislation is mainly aimed at addressing individuals who refuse to take measures to avoid contaminating others. Minister Shona Robinson said: “Some contaminated people take measures to avoid contaminating others, but we need legislation on this. Although we recognise that there is to be a balance between our duty to protect the public and the right of people to their rights.” All but the Conservative party agreed on this point, Mary Scanlon Shadow Cabinet Secretary for Health and Wellbeing, said:

“I am not so sure about the balance between the rights of the individual against the rights of society. If there is a threat to public health, the rights of society have to prevail.”

The Law Society of Scotland had been consulted and have said that there are four sections which are not compliant with current Scottish Law. All parties agreed that there was a real need for the law to be updated and overhauled but that some amendments would need to be made before stage two.

Labour MSP Ken McIntosh also made a proposal regarding concerns over the safety and licensing of sun beds. The bill currently only focuses on contagious diseases, but the rest of the groups agreed that such amendment was needed. He recalled the recent case of a 13-year-old boy who, in his hometown, went to an unsupervised tanning shop. He put coins in the tan machine and stayed there for 20 minutes. As a result, he ended up in hospital with serious burns. It is not the first time this has happened, but more worrying is the long-term damage, skin cancer has trebled in the last 20 years as a result of the obsession with looking good and having a ‘healthy tan’.

McIntosh proposed three measures.

1- Outlaw unsupervised saloons.

2- Set a minimum age of 18 years old for tanning beds.

3- Provide information on the risks involved.

He said: “We need one clear message: “Sun beds can kill you.” Why don’t we treat sun beds in the same way that we treat alcohol or tobacco?”

Photo by Son of Groucho

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DON AND OUT

2008-04-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Sport

by Chris Hammond

You can’t sit, you’ve not been able to for over an hour. You feel tense, excited and physically drained. It’s cold, there’s rain and a wind which brings the lingering scent of alcohol with it. But for the huddled 22,000 enduring the elements on this December night in the North East the four goals Aberdeen would score against Danish heavyweights Copenhagen will be more than enough comfort from the elements.

Fast forward four months and a team largely consisting of the exact same players as that UEFA Cup glory night are strewn across a soggy Hampden pitch. Here they lie contemplating a 4-3 mauling at the hands of mid-table First Divison no marks Queen Of The South in a the Scottish Cup semi final.

Aberdeen manager Jimmy Calderwood, a mahogany skinned, rotund, gopher-like journalist's wet dream; stands on the touchline watching the players he jettisoned years ago scoring against and celebrating the defeat of a club once considered the best in the world. Red and white scarves rain down on the pitch as the north retreats from their battlefield rout at the hands of the south.

The week following sees Calderwood praise the ageing, decrepit Jackie McNamara, hailing him as the man to turn the club's fortunes round. This is despite the one time Scottish Player of the year being the poorest footballer on the park. Worse yet goal scoring pocket dynamo Barry Nicholson announces he won’t be staying at a club where he shines like a diamond in a morass of footballing faeces. Of course there were sacrificial lambs and noises made about new signings to appease the disgruntled fans. But largely those set for the chop didn’t play in the Cup debacle, and those seen as being the fast fix for the most rapidly declining force in football consist of two ex players who didn’t make a mark the first time round, a leaden footed former Rangers defender and a Dutch goalkeeper famous for a leaked video involving him enjoying bedroom deviance with a former girlfriend.

Before the season ends, Pittodrie an imposing fortress on the coast, prepares itself for three more scheduled raids. Willie Miller, a titanic, gladiatorial captain of former years looks on from his position as football director at a collection of troops which have shipped 8 goals in two semi finals this year, have no hope of a European Campaign come the autumn and are being managed by a man the fans accuse of picking a team through a “tactical tombola”.

Hewn from granite, the city of Aberdeen can merge with the sky on a dull day, leaving things an almost intolerably depressing shade of grey. Yet when the sun appears and the clouds depart, Aberdeen becomes a glistening beacon, a beautiful hub of elegance on a rugged landscape.

As this schizophrenic season of soccer shenanigans trundles to an end and a summer of rebuilding begins, the fans of Aberdeen FC have to ponder whether the next term will be silver or grey – Copenhagen or Queen Of The South. At the moment even the most optimistic would admit it’s grim up north.

ROWLING IN IT

2008-04-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Karen Combe

A signed JK Rowling book fetched over £1000 after being auctioned off at Napier University in aid of a clinic based in Malabo, Equatorial Guinea.

Napier’s Dyslexia Co-ordinator Monica Gibbon and Student Counsellor Frances McColm, along with students and colleagues, organised a fundraising event at the Merchiston Campus to buy medical supplies for the Clinica Esperanza (Clinic of Hope). A total of £2000 was collected through the auction, raffle and bric a brac sale.

Room B40 normally reserved for conferences was transformed into a fair with stalls offering home baking, complementary therapies, handcrafts and a raffle. Organiser Monica Gibbon said, “It’s gone very well this afternoon, I’m really pleased. It just shows how one moment of goodness from people can make a big difference to the lives of others.”

Former Napier student, cardio-thoracic nurse Morag McMahon will take medical equipment to the clinic where she will be working as a volunteer. This follows Napier tourism student Cinta Bravo, who has been working at the clinic for the last six weeks and helped instigate the fundraising.

The clinic was established independently in 2005 by founder Dr Nkomy with assistance from Dr Wright and other family members to provide affordable, quality healthcare for the local people in Malabo. The clinic based in the late founder’s family home relies on fees paid by patients who can afford to pay and from funds raised overseas. Run with limited facilities and supplies, the clinic according to the fundraisers is desperately in need of more resources.

Wendy Palmer a nurse and Masters of Information Systems student volunteered to help the clinic by setting up a web site. “I wanted to help them by offering a sustainable solution to the fundraising and as a resource for the clinic. The web site will hopefully be up and running by this weekend. “

For further information: www.clinic-of-hope.com

PUT A KILT ON IT

2008-04-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Katie Smyth

The Emporer's New Kilt: Review

Hans Christian Anderson's classic fairytale gets the Scottish treatment as Wee Stories Company cleverly transpose The Emperor's New Clothes to the fictitious Isle of Kiltie. The ridiculous Laird of the Isle who owns "all the trees and the hills and even the grass" is in a flummox deciding what to demand for his special birthday surprise. Worse still the man whose wardrobe is replete with a kilt for every day of the year petulantly announces, "I've got nothing to wear!" Enter the scheming Mr Harris and Mr Tweed, producers and purveyors of a cloth so special only clever people can see it. They set about to expose the vain and pompous laird in his birthday suit as the play in turn exposes the oppression of inherited privilege, tenancy and greed.

Not that the target audience were struck by the inadequacies of materialism and the capitalist, semi-feudal system in place on Kiltie. To the kids of the Kings Theatre audience The Emperor's New Kilt was nothing more than a romp complete with singing sporrans, a Big Jessie and a stag with an identity crisis. And while there was surely something rather wrong and unsettling about an auditorium of kids encouraging a "true Scotsman" to strip down to his hand-crafted polar bear fur sporran, much of the other double entendres and dirty jokes were thankfully the strict reserve of the mums and dads.

An outrageously camp Iain Johnstone lorded it up in the titular role demanding a kilt worthy of a king or Queen while co-writer Andy Cannon entertained as Ramsay the ill-fated sheep destined for the Laird's birthday haggis. An imaginative woven set, fast-paced role changes and elements of the pantomime combined to spark a cacophony of hoots, chortles and big belly laughs from kids and grown-ups alike.

The Emperor's New Kilt is showing at Kings Theatre, Edinburgh until Saturday 19 April

Photo by pamelaadam

EDINBORING

2008-04-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Opinion

by Dave Hynes

Edinburgh Castle has just been painted pink for the rest of 2008, with a proposed change to deep purple in 2009. Leith Walk will be turned into a blue and yellow Champs Elysee once the tram is finished. Plans to turn the Cowgate a light turquoise are being discussed at Holyrood today. Or maybe not.

I love Edinburgh, I really do. It’s a city that offers so much; culture, entertainment, the arts… battered mars bars. It has some beautiful buildings too, so beautiful in fact the city seems to sparkle with colours of every hue. Well, actually, no it doesn’t because unfortunately Edinburgh is almost uniformly grey. The use of granite may make Scottish buildings practically eternal, but I think the city is in dire need of a facelift.

The architecture of cities often reflects a civic personality and speaks a lot about its citizens and its history. Greyness may say a lot about Edinburgh; hard, proud, no- nonsense, intelligent- even beautiful. But it also says another thing . . . boring! What Edinburgh needs is an Antoni Gaudi to spruce up the place, someone with a vision that goes beyond the dour greyness of Edinburgh’s esteemed edifices. Where is Edinburgh’s imagination? Why do our buildings have to be so serious?

Give me black or give me white, but I’m afraid I’ve had enough of grey. A greyness which in the short winter days kinds of adds to the dourness of the season. Between George IV Bridge and the Royal Mile colour is so scarce it’s as though a grey sheet of architectural fog has descended. Edinburgh has surely one of the greatest cityscapes in the world; Princes St and South Bridge overlook a magnitude of beautiful architecture but my goodness aren’t they mostly grey.

Grey, grey, grey is what Edinburgh is today. Where is Edinburgh’s Pompidou Centre or its Sagrada Familia? Edinburgh’s cityscape needs imprecision and audacity, and most of all it needs humour. In some ways Holyrood Parliament has at least attempted to tickle our funny bone but it’s unfortunately the jokes is a bit s_t.

Colour is light-hearted and I would prefer another architectural catastrophe than a more traditional, sublimely built but dull grey monolith. What Edinburgh needs is a little imagination, and one that goes beyond the trams. We need a facelift, a make-over which looks towards Edinburgh’s future rather than taking pride in its past. We need colour, especially during winter. Edinburgh’s buildings should reflect the vibrancy of life in this city; they should stand out not so much for prestige but for daring and endeavour. Let’s have a bright ochre statue in George St, and a maroon pyramid on Charlotte Square. Let’s turn our theatres bright green and our libraries shining white.

Not everything in life is black and white. But sometimes it should be and in Edinburgh’s case, shades of grey are no compromise at all. Just add colour!

Got any good suggestions for where Edinburgh could do with a lick of paint. Fancy the castle painted like a rainbow during festival time? Should we renovate the Cowgate into deep crimson or how about an ocean blue for Holyrood Palace? Let the SquareOne News team know.

SquareOne - Scottish Cities In A Word

1 Glasgow - mental

2 Edinburgh - grey

3 Aberdeen - cold

4 Dundee - why?

5 Inverness - rural

Photo by absolutwade

EDINBURGH MEADOWS FESTIVAL RETURNS

2008-04-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Pere Fornes

SquareOne can reveal that, following a two year absence, the popular Meadows Festival will return this summer.

The event, which ran for 30 consecutive years until 2005, will see a variety of stalls, activities and performances run on the weekend of 7 and 8 June, and for the first time will be run by the Meadows Festival Association.

The charity takes over responsibility for the event after the bank account and official documentation for the festival were formally accepted during its AGM in November. At a recent meeting, Linda Hendry, chair of the association said: "The Meadows Festival was run for 20 years by a family that decided to quit in 2005. There was a two-year gap and some people tried to organise it but this couldn’t be done until after November."

There will be different attractions at this year's festival, like stalls selling crafts, second-hand clothing and jewellery. Food will be available and local school children will participate in a football competition. There will also be performances, such as African dancers and a kids' area will offer face painting and story telling sessions.

This year the festival plans to be more environmentally friendly with a power pod being used for the first time to generate electricity.

Community councillors from the surrounding area are involved in the organisation of the event and are looking for volunteers to act as stewards, distribute programs or pick up litter.

A volunteer form can be found at http://meadowsfestival.blogspot.com/ or you can sign up at the Pavilion Cafe on the Meadows.

Applicants for stalls should send a stamped addressed envelope to PO Box 12758, EH8 9YP.

Photo by Daveybot

PICK UP A PICASSO

2008-04-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Entertainment

by Atholl Simpson

Ever thought you would be able to buy a Picasso for under 900 pounds, or a work by Dali for under 7000 pounds? A recent auction at Christie's in London was offering art enthusiasts just that.

The Impressionist and Modern Art auction - which took place last week at Christie's South Kensington branch - offered a selection of ceramics and sculptures by the influential artists.

“Dali and Picasso are two of the biggest names when you think of 20th century artists” Deborah Park, Christie's Head of Department at the branch, told SquareOne. “They are instantly recognisable. People can see the piece and know it's by them.”

A Picasso ashtray was sold for 850 pounds while a sculpture representing Dali's Melting Clock auctioned off at 6500 pounds. Other pieces included ceramic plates - one of them representing Picasso's Don Quijote - and bronze sculptures made in the artists respective workshops.

Park said the works of art were made in editions of up to 450, which explains their low auction price. It was a chance for these artists to make their work more accessible to the public, especially for Picasso.

“He wanted to make his work more affordable to the masses,” said Park. “Back then people would pay for them with the money they had in their pockets, sometimes as little as 30 francs (3 pounds)!”

Park said Picasso moved to the South of France in the mid 1940's, where he continued making ceramics in a workshop in the small town of Madoura until his death in 1973. Dali would create a master cast of his sculptures and instruct how many were to be reproduced.

She said that the works of art were very popular among the buyers and are considered collectables: “It would be a good investment, one for the future. The sale price seems to be increasing."

The auction also included works by Jean Cocteau, Marcel Dyf and Marc Chagall. The most expensive piece sold was a painting by George Rouault, "La Sainte Face", which went for 60,500 pounds.

The next edition of this auction is in December, so you better start saving your pennies . . .

Photo AJ Fischler

LUCKY DEVIL?

2008-04-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

by Chris Hammond

After having been tipped off by Kate about the imminent clampdown on the fortune telling industry, SquareOne decided to send me 'deep undercover' in an attempt to expose some so called supernatural shenanigans as a scam.

I'll be honest I was champing at the bit to get stuck into this. I've always viewed the whole spiritualist-psychic world as being dreary, distasteful and openly exploitative. But then cadging cash off some people is fair game, that's how things work yeah? Yeah, but the bereaved, emotionally unstable and irredeemably thick are generally speaking not fair game, despite being predominantly the main custom of clairvoyants, tarot card readers and psychics. Fancy a chat with your dead husband? Insecure enough to believe you'll find true love in 13 days time? Dumb enough to think that everyone born on the same day as you displays the same inherent character traits?

Think I'm being flippant do you? Go and watch Baby Mind Reader, Colin Fry, Have I Been Here Before or any of the psychic television that floods the schedules and judge for yourself. Better yet see the link below for more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xGZnRgfTCo

Anyway, I was very careful to chose a highly respectable tarot reader for my visit, one with glowing references and lots of nice things said about them. Surely they'd give me an accurate forecast? Putting my fair-minded cap on I took a seat in their glorified mystic cupboard to have the next year mapped out for me.

I'll say this, she only asked me three direct questions. What is your name, when is your birthday and what do you do? I barely spoke for the ensuing session. So grudgingly I had to put aside all ideas of this being a barrage of confidence tricks; my tarot reader genuinely didn't seem to need my input.

The reading took part in three stages. An assessment of my character, a month by month fortune forecast and the answer to one single question. The first part I couldn't possibly comment on suffice to say it was ambiguous; whilst the second and third points I will document in a fortune diary - the first installment of which will be due at the end of April.

I'll say this despite my initial (and so far continued) scepticism and cynicism about the industry and its practices, it doesn't look like I'll be able to involve trading standards in quite the way I had first hoped. In fact I'd go as far as to say if April continues to pan out the way it has for me my tarot reader will have been eerily accurate . . .

BRITON KAN’T SPEL PROPURLY!

2008-04-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Atholl Simpson

The British and the Americans cannot spell basic everyday words such as “definitely" or "calendar", according to a recent survey.

Of the 2,500 native English speakers questioned from both countries, almost a third spelt “liaison” wrong and a further 40% misspelt “questionnaire”.

The survey was commissioned by the software firm WhiteSmoke - specialised in English grammar and writing software - and despite the alarming results, almost a third still believed their spelling was “excellent” whilst just under half claimed it was of a “good standard”.

Mobile phone predictive text-style writing was cited by over two-thirds of the participants as a reason for explaining their poor spelling.

“The poll shows that people are still making fundamental errors,” Ranbir Sahota, spokesperson for WhiteSmoke, told SquareOne. “A lot of them said they still needed another person or a dictionary to check their spelling,” she said. “It shows that people just can't spell. Spelling standards are getting more lax and are deteriorating.”

Sahota said that although their latest spell check software had been specifically designed for non-native English speakers, there had more demand for the product from people that have English as their mother tongue, in other words people like us.

The survey also showed that poor spelling skills are having a direct effect on people's lives, with one in five admitting that they avoided handwriting documents because their spelling is so bad. Almost 60% confessed to relying heavily on spell check programs to avoid mistakes.

The participants were also invited to give little anecdotes involving bad spelling they had come across in their daily life.
One of them mentioned a press advertisement that appeared in their local newspaper for a private school in which they stated that they prided themselves on their “accademic excelence” (for those of who are directly affected by this “bad spelling epidemic”, it should read academic excellence).

Another example, involved a recruitment officer in a large company, who admitted that he had refused applicants job interviews, even if they fitted the job description, because there were spelling mistakes in their CV’s.

Now, what you have all been waiting for, the top 20 most misspelt words:

1. Questionnaire

2. Accommodate

3. Definitely

4. Liaison

5. Existence

6. Occurrence

7. Referring

8. Occurred

9. Millennium

10. Embarrass

11. Calendar

12. Receive

13. Necessary

14. Separate

15. Cemetery

16. Library

17. Accidentally

18. Independent

19. Occasionally

20. Receipt

Photo by Mooganic

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: MATTHEW RYAN

2008-04-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

Matthew Ryan VS The Silver State (One Little Indian)

Pitching up with his latest effort singer songwriter Matthew Ryan looks to have put together the album which will see him break through to the big time.

Having consistently constructed some of the most well crafted, clever folk-rock songs of the past decade, Ryan has still somehow managed to fly in under the radar at every opportunity here in the UK. And it would be a travesty if things were to repeat themselves and someone with this level of talent was to remain largely unrecognised by press and public alike.

So what’s the deal?

The best way of describing Matthew Ryan’s general style would be to think of Nebraska era Bruce Springsteen (only better) crossed with the best work of Ryan Adams (only better) with a little bit of The Waterboys circa Fishermans Blues thrown in for good measure (only better).

So with this in mind you’ll be expecting an album crammed with impressive tuneage from start to finish. You won’t be disappointed. From the husky grandeur of American Dirt to the poignantly profound It Could’ve Been Worse there is not a second of filler on this lyrically rich, emotionally charged, musically superior eleven track masterpiece.

It’s brilliant. Absolutely, euphorically, unbelievable brilliant and it deserves to be heard by every single man women and child on the planet. Album of the week? Might even be album of the year, or the past two years or even the last five. I don’t know yet, but the more I listen to it the more I am convinced this is a true work of musical genius.

Right that’s me off for a cold shower and a lie down . . .

DIDN’T SEE THIS ONE COMING

2008-04-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News

by Chris Hammond

New consumer protection regulations look set to force a change in the way psychics and spiritualists conduct their business.

The British Government is seeking to bring the multi million pound fortune telling industry into line with other commercial enterprises by regulating its advertising practices and trading standards.

Under the proposed legislation it will be easier for members of the public to pursue legal action against mediums who are judged not to have delivered the service advertised.

In the previous twenty years there have been less than ten convictions for psychics practicing their trade fraudulently and dishonestly.

Last week SquareOne sent me to a well respected tarot reader for a little bit of fortune telling. Starting this coming Monday we’ll be running a regular ‘Fortune Feature’ detailing just how accurate or otherwise the predictions have been.

Excited? You would be if you were told to expect a job offer very soon . . . we’ll see.

EDINBURGH DEMONSTRATIONS

2008-04-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

Pere Fornes

SquareOne News

Today Edinburgh saw over 1000 protesters participate in three separate demonstrations held across the city.

In the morning, about 50 people demonstrated against the Church of Scientology in Hunter Square. At the same time a pro-Beijing rally took place in which over 1,000 people demonstrated in favour of the Olympics and against the recent violence involving the Olympic torch.

But the most unusual demonstration took place in the afternoon. A rally in favour of US Presidential candidate Barack Obama was supposed to start outside the Scottish Parliament. However the number of people taking part was much lower than the organisers had expected, with around 40 turning up. A demonstrator said: “I don’t have anything personal against Hilary Clinton but Clinton means past and Obama means change.”

What was intended to be a rally ended up being a small demonstration outside the Scottish Parliament. Still Obama will receive a symbol of support from Scotland for his campaign. Kez Degeale, rally organizer, said: “We have a big banner which people are signing in support for Obama. We will send him the banner with all those signatures.”

TAXI FOR STUPID PLEASE

2008-04-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

SquareOne News Feature

Dave Hynes

Following this week’s conclusion to the prolonged Diana inquest, the Royals really haven’t had much luck with drivers lately. One of them was so drunk he helped kill a Princess and the other, in astonishing sobriety, took one of Diana’s neices; Lady Kitty, on a wild goose chase across the country. Somehow in a feat even Travis Bickle could not have manufactured, a taxi driver from Northampton based Mayfair Cabs picked up the Earl of Spencer’s daughter from the prestigious Althorp Estate, with orders to take his esteemed passengers to Chelsea's Stamford Bridge football ground for the big match against Arsenal. Somehow, quite how no one knows but somehow, they embarked upon a 292-mile six-hour pilgrimage to the sleepy village of Stamford Bridge in York. Although the vehicle’s SatNav was used to find directions to Stamford Bridge, neither driver nor passengers noticed the mistake.

At SquareOne we pride ourselves on being a fair jury to the news we hear, so we have put all those involved on trial to find who is the most guilty.So where does the blame lie?

SquareOne Suspect Number One: Lady Kitty
Was Lady Kitty so immersed in texting that she failed to notice the Bradford Junction turn off on the M1? Did she not realise that Chelsea play in London being …..erm…. a London club? Does she even know where London is or what it might look like? Perhaps, say, not slap bang in the middle of the Yorkshire Dales; Eeh ba gum, that Chelsea, best team in Yorkshire I tell thee. To be frank I’d be surprised if any of the Earl’s daughters knew whether Chelsea was in London or even whether York was in Yorkshire, I’d be surprised if they even knew what a taxi was. Why is that black horse on wheels daddy? Another thing, given the SatNav’s complete domination over the common senses of its passengers, weren’t they lucky there was a Stamford Bridge in York? Would they have stopped had they passed north of the border if there was a Stamford Bridge in Scotland. "Aye ye need directions d’ye pal? Chelsea ya say? Ya ken John O Groats? Thone Chelsea boys hiv been beatin a'body in the Heilin League this year, that Didier Drogba’s hoorna gid".

SquareOne Suspect Number Two: The Driver
Considering the likely tip from such a long trip with such esteemed passengers, he’s (I’m presuming it’s a he but a female driver could explain a lot in this debacle) had something of a nightmare journey. Couple this with the lost petrol money, the compensation and the lost business of some rather rich clientele he’s about as likely to be used again as second hand toilet roll. What was he thinking? Did he go to school? What does he attribute as the major cause of the problem, his lack of geography, his lack of football knowledge, his complete trust in the SatNav or his GNVQ in David Beckham studies he just finished this year as a distance learning objective? Perhaps he is just an Arsenal fan who knows that Drogba has hit a fine run of form?

SquareOne Suspect Number Three: The SatNav
Was it human error or was there something sinister going on here? Did it ask the driver which Stamford Bridge he meant or did it presume even a numpty like him couldn’t screw this journey up? Maybe SatNav’s are gonna need extra gadgets to streamline operations; like passenger sensitivity cognition, "if you’ve got a Royal in the back make sure you stop and ask the next person where the hell you are" for example. At SquareOne we’ve been trying to conjure up ways to blame the SatNav but we’re clutching at very thin straws indeed, it was probably the only thing that came out of this with any dignity.

SquareOne Verdict

Innocent: We think the SatNav just about escapes indictment and that the Earl’s daughter could always get off on an insanity plea.

Guilty: The Driver, with a hefty fine, two years driving a Renault Reliant and put in charge of getting Prince Philip around Nairobi in a push chair.

CHALLENGE DAVE: THE POND

2008-04-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

Despite risking being thrown out of Leith for being a traitor, the man we call Dave (principally because that's his name), continues to drink in unfashionable pubs, so you don't have to. This week, a hidden gem bucks the trend.

by David Hynes

SquareOne Booze

My tour of Leith pubs continues with a dip in the Pond, and I have to say that I found myself submerged in quite an agreeable little boozer. Its splendid isolation at the end of Salamander Street seems to have protected the Pond from the tsunami of cack upstream on Leith walk.

The selection of beers is fairly outstanding considering where it is and what other pubs near it serve. The Pond truly has everything you could want; German, Czech, Chinese beers, the lot and all at good prices. I got a decent amount of change from a fiver for two Krusovice on tap.

Sometimes you have to regress to progress. Surprisingly it ain’t up Leith walk that you find a pearl in the ocean because all the clever little fishes are biting the bait down at the Pond. If your looking for a quality pub at the foot of the walk please don’t go to the actual pub Foot of the Walk, swim downstream and cast your attention to this little gem. The only problem is its isolation downstream from Leith Walk. Still geography isn’t everything and considering its surroundings it’s something of an Atlantis for Leith.

HOCKEY HUNGRY FOR SUCCESS

2008-04-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

by Pere Fornes

SquareOne Sports

Scottish Hockey plans to make all senior players full-time by 2011, SquareOne News can reveal.

It is a key point of Scottish Hockey’s corporate strategy in a long term plan between 2008 and 2014, which also includes raising coaching standards and a development programme for umpires. The main aim is to focus Scottish Hockey’s resources to build a team capable of winning a medal in the 2014 Commonwealth Games.

Callum McLeod, Scottish Hockey’s Performance Manager, said: “The world’s best countries, such as Germany, have full time players so our aim is to be at their level of performance.”

If the strategy is successful, Scotland would have full-time hockey players three years before the Glasgow Commonwealth Games and one year before the London 2012 Olympics. In the Olympics, however, Scottish players will play in the Great Britain team and Scottish Hockey is working to ensure that there is integration with Great Britain Olympic programming.

The down side of the London Olympics is the reduction of lottery funding that sports will directly receive, funding that has already declined over the past years. McLeod added: “Now we receive less money from the government and we need more money to improve players' performance as well as to have better qualified coaches and umpires. What we are trying to do to achieve our goals is to get more sponsorship.”

If successful, the strategy could put Scottish hockey at the same level as other leading countries, therefore boosting participation and interest.

Find out more about scottish hockey at www.scottish-hockey.org.uk

CANNONBALL FUN

2008-04-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

The Breeders, Glasgow ABC 8/4/08

by Kate Smail

SquareOne Entertainment

Girls with guitars get a bad press. Unfairly shunned by men who think they don't rock hard enough, and often side-lined by women who prefer a lead singer worth throwing their underwear at.

However, judging by the packed audience at the ABC in Glasgow last night, The Breeders are band that transcend stereotypes. Men and women in equal numbers crowded in to see the legendary rock outfit fronted by the inimitable Kim Deal, of Pixies fame, and her merry cast of oddballs.

Deal took to the stage wearing a man's jumper and no make-up, looking a lot like a wholesome mother earth type. That is, until she opened her mouth and a gravelly stream of expletives rolled out followed by a raucous, infectious laugh.

The set consisted mainly of tracks from their first new album in six years, Mountain Battles and keen not to disappoint, a few tracks from their most famous offering, Last Splash, were thrown in for good measure.

The crowd were a little restrained for the first few songs, especially by Glasgow standards, until the first few chords of No Aloha rang out. The mood changed, and a healthy exchange of banter between Deal and the audience ensued. It's not easy to win over a Glasgow crowd with wit, but Kim and her sister Kelly had the audience lapping it up with their dry humour and sharp one liners.

By the time Cannonball arrived their work was done. The venue was rocking, despite the fact that it was full of professionals in their thirties and forties, clearly reliving their misspent youth.

My only bugbear with an otherwise flawless set? Their new material is so much softer than The Breeders of yesteryear. Why is it as bands age that they feel the need to experiment with folk and country influences? Some of us still want to rock out. Even if we are old enough to know better.

THEATRE REVIEW: VANITY FAIR

2008-04-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

By Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment

Every day the news seems to herald one financial catastrophe after another. It has become ever more difficult to flick through the channels without hearing the FTSE closed today down by however many points, something or other was hedged while the Bank of England plans to free up however much liquidity to aid such and such. For those of us not well versed in the jargon of finance the overall effect is too often one of frustration, confusion or, worst of all, apathy. To stave off business information saturation some may run for the theatre, where for two hours at least we can surely forget the impending doom, no? Not according to Steve McNicoll, currently starring on stage at Edinburgh’s Lyceum. To him the present credit crunch has reached its theatrical incarnation in Vanity Fair. Here McNicoll and his co-star Sophia Linden tell SquareOne why they believe this nineteenth century masterpiece is enjoying continued social relevance.

To many people the works of William Makepeace Thackeray are entities firmly rooted in the past and as such any dramatic adaptation can be blithely consigned to the wasteland of the Sunday night period drama slot. Something to curl up in front of for two hours as corsets, breaches and starched petticoats wash over us in a haze of taffeta and lace. Such is the common misconception of those entering the Lyceum’s auditorium according to Sophia Linden, the 24 year old actress presently bewitching all in the central role of Becky Sharp. She explains this adaptation presents Thackeray’s sprawling novel in a much more stylised form.

For those unfamiliar, Vanity Fair examines the petty intrigues of “Society” against the backdrop of Waterloo. The action follows the lives of Amelia Sedley and Becky Sharp. While Amelia commits herself to a life of misery marrying the worthless cad George Osborne, the penniless Becky sets out using her feminine charms to entrap Captain Crawley and together the pair carve out a place in society, living on “nothing a year.”

Edinburgh seems to have caught the Vanity Fair bug so what accounts for the apparent continued cultural relevance of such an historical play? While McNicoll and Linden both heartily laud its success they experience an artistic clash of opinion in explaining it. For him Vanity Fair works so well in today’s society because it addresses the issues of financial strife. For her it’s all about the cult of celebrity.

The practice of living on borrowed money is nothing new, a fact Thackeray knew only too well. The author writes with full authority on the plights of his characters, warning the reader that to emulate the man who lives on nothing a year, “will cost you something considerable.”

The contemporanity of the various characters’ precarious financial positions is not lost on McNicoll. He claims, “Vanity Fair deals with issues that are still very much with us, especially the credit crunch.” The play took to the stage the same week as the Bear Stearns crisis and McNicoll draws comparisons between that situation and the one his character’s father, Old Mr Sedley, finds himself in. McNicoll claims that just like modern investors Sedley too has bought into an insecure market so that when the various battles of the Napoleonic Wars strike his capital is shaken and eventually collapses. McNicoll claims, “With people today living on borrowed money how could Vanity Fair fail to be of relevance?”

At this point however McNicoll and Linden cross swords. Playing one of literature’s most infamous anti-heroines it comes as no surprise that Linden accounts for Vanity Fair’s continued relevance in the universal appeal of Becky Sharp: “Young women love Becky. She represents characters we see in the media today. Look at Jordan, Chantelle etc. These are women who know where they want to go with no real talent or trade in mind.” For Linden then Vanity Fair holds a mirror up to modern day life where meek women such as Amelia flounder while the ballsy, coquettish Becky-types trade on their pretty faces and sex appeal to woo society. Just as Becky carves out her niche in the Mayfair set Victoria Beckham has grappled her way to Hollywood on a pout and a marketable husband.

Whatever the secret to the play’s continued charm and appeal there is no denying its ability to captivate. Playing to sell-out audiences every night it is the combination of calculating protagonist and contemporary relevance that makes it a hit. Just don’t go if you’re seeking solace from the Stock Exchange.

Vanity Fair is playing at the Lyceum, Edinburgh until 12th April

WOMBAT GETS NAUGHTY WITH DRONGO'S FRECKLE?!

2008-04-07T11:20:00.001-07:00

Kate Smail

SquareOne News

Last week a New Zealand man was charged with wasting police time after he called emergency services, claiming he had been raped by a wombat. Not surprisingly, the operator was not convinced. Everyone knows you don't get wombats in New Zealand.

The man claimed he was unharmed after the incident, except for "now only being able to talk Australian." A deeply distressing affliction for any self-respecting Kiwi. He received 75 hours of community service after the defence lawyer explained that alcohol played a major part in the man's life.

This is not the first time animals have found themselves under the scrutiny of the courts; Square One brings you our favourite examples from the twisted world of animal justice.

In the United States last year, a convicted paedophile claimed his actions were the result of a deeply traumatic childhood experience, and was therefore not responsible for the crime committed. Gene Morrill told the court in Virgina that he was raped by Bigfoot as a teenager, and had suffered flashbacks ever since. The judge remained unconvinced and sentenced Morrill to twenty years.

A Florida man got more than he bargained for when he decided to shoot his unwanted puppies. Having shot and killed three of his four targets, Jerry Bradford picked up the remaining pup, which then jumped on the trigger, shooting Bradford in the wrist. Bradford survived and was promptly charged with animal cruelty. Puppy power indeed.

A woman sued her best friend after she slipped in his pet dog's urine in his kitchen and twisted her ankle. Her reasoning? If he was really her friend, he would have cleaned it up when he knew she was coming over. Unbelievably, the pair are no longer friends.

The parents of a man found naked and dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World, Orlando, have dropped a lawsuit alleging Sea World caused his death by portraying the dangerous orca as safe and cuddly. It transpired the man was under the influence of alcohol, had broken into Sea World at night, and voluntarily jumped into the tank to play with the whale.

Two animal handlers who say they were fired for refusing to expose their breasts to a 300-pound gorilla have settled their lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation charity. Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller claimed that Gorilla Foundation president Francine Patterson pressured them to indulge Koko the gorilla's 'nipple fetish,' as a way of bonding with the 33-year-old female. The charity denies the claims.

FILM OF THE WEEK: THERE WILL BE BLOOD

2008-04-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

by Katie Smyth

SquareOne Entertainment

Sensing I’m the only person left in the UK who had not until this week seen There Will Be Blood, I may be preaching to the converted but if, like me, you too have resisted this hyped-up gem of a film, go and see it while you still have a chance.

Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day Lewis) a self-professed, self-made oil man drags his son and heir HW around every craggy crack and pit in California on the look out for black gold, a quick buck and an unsuspecting community to rip off. An unscrupulous reptile, Plainview oozes charisma promising the God-fearing people of Little Boston corn, schooling and a new church, all the while planning on pumping their oil to the sea. However this time he may have met his match in the fanatical, sometimes possessed preacher Eli and a long lost brother keen to jump on the bandwagon.

Day Lewis captivates right from the start, sucking in viewers and villagers alike with his combination of fatherly tenderness, rhetoric and sheer gall. Unlike many other Academy Award darlings There Will Be Blood lives up to the hype. Brilliant.

THE WORST FOOTBALL GROUNDS IN BRITAIN

2008-04-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

SquareOne Sport

by Dave Hynes

The SquareOne team have been racking their heads for some time now. In fact, tensions are running high as the announcement looms. We’ve all been to those torrid away games where it feels like you’re in the visiting end of hell, the slightly colder end where misery wreaks havoc and they have the pomposity to serve crap pies to you. Ah yes, it’s with some nostalgia that I picture them in all their glory, the stadias of shabbiness, cold seats, zero facilities, broken turnstiles, leaking roofs- and that was if you were lucky!

Let me make you privy to the scientific investigation that has gone behind this piece. To help Dave on his quest, the SquareOne News team has conducted its own survey, based on the traditional SquareOne practice of getting the right interviews and going straight to the heart of the story. Our extensive network of football fans, our own writers and editors, lots of people on internet chatrooms and, of course, folk down the pub have all been consulted.

The Top Ten worst grounds are there mostly on merit; they received either the most or the harshest mocking of people who’ve had the misfortune to visit them. The perspectives are basically from those at the Visiting End apart from a magnanimous exception in the gracious John McLean, the Chesterfield fan who nominated his own club.

We’ve taken into account the many factors that go towards making a crap ground and my God there are many – leaking or even non existent roofs, whether the seats were designed for jockeys or really small jockeys, ticket prices, lack of atmosphere, PA announcers with speech impediments, the barbed wire mesh, the charm of the natives, crumbling terracing, the portaloo’s and overall value for money.

A couple are based purely on my experiences and I’ve let our editor nominate a couple of others. All the rest are the fruits of democracy, drum roll please . . .

1) Bayview, East Fife FC: East Fife's home matches are played at Bayview Stadium, capacity 2,000 they hope. The ground has one stand and is open at the three remaining sides. The far side is overshadowed by the derelict Methil power station.Yes, this one wins it for me. See Below.

2) Central Park, Cowdenbeath: is situated just off the High Street in the centre of the town. Bang in the centre of town. It’s only 50 metres from the sea with a huge racetrack around it! Not sure if this one meets SPL standards! Not sure if it meets any standard really.

3) Recreation Park, Chesterfield: This one seems most unpopular with the English responses we got. Derek Shaw, chairman of Preston North End told SquareOne it was:

“By far the worst in England is that heap they call Recreation Park, I couldn’t think of a more inappropriate name for a football ground”

4) Priestfield, Gillingham: Never fails to live down to expectations.

5) Kenilworth Road, Luton: Football ground meets penitentiary. See for yourself.

6) Stair Park, Stranraer: A hut in a park would be far too kind. Needs a bomb.

7) Blundell Park, Grimsby: With many areas of seating without any view of the pitch, it is one of those prestigious grounds with no redeeming features.

8) Gayfield Park, Arbroath: You Fifers ain’t doing too well here. This ones a pure smoky mess.

9) Pittodrie Stadium, Aberdeen: The coldest ground in Europe. Who chooses to build a stadium slap bang next to the North Sea? If you sit in the South Stand and survive the dire football, you’ll die of exposure as you make a dash for one of the surrounding watering holes on 90 minutes. Sadistic. You can't feel the freeze in this picture, but the photographer did. R.I.P my friend . . .

10) Ochilview Park, Stenhousemuir: Another hell-hole from Scotland.

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: R.E.M

2008-04-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

by Chris Hammond

SquareOne Entertainment

R.E.M – Accelerate (Warner Brothers)

Last century an R.E.M release would quite literally have signalled a collective orgasm for the music press and public. Smart, unique to the point of weird and sublimely listenable R.E.M were the intelligent mainstream band of choice. 'Were' being the key word here; because inevitably success bred expectation levels which could not easily be met.

Monster, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, Up, Reveal, Around The Sun. . . hardly essential listening. I suspect for the first time ever R.E.M knew they had to deliver in order to remain reasonably relevant.

So it's with as sort of resigned inevitability I can confirm that Accelerate is better than their previous three efforts combined but only half as good as Out of Time. Make of that what you will.

Song for song it sounds typically R.E.M. The wickedly addictive Mr Richards harks back to the halcyon days of the mid 1980's when the group evolved into a quirky, grungy, indie behemoth whilst Supernatural Superserious is as breezy a summer pop song as you'll likely hear this year.

More of the same only better next time, thanks lads.